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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: CHARLOTTE 49ERS

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AFTER MANY YEARS WITHOUT BURNING ANYTHING I HAVE AWAKENED WITH A FURIOUS LUST FOR CARNAGE, LIBATIONS, AND POSSIBLY CARNATIONS

QB #8 for the 49ers scrambling. Steve Young?
QB #8 for the 49ers scrambling. Steve Young?
Jim Dedmon-USA TODAY Sports

GREETINGS, LOYAL FOOTSOLDIERS OF THE EMPIRE. IT IS I, GENERAL SHERMAN, HAPHAZARDLY RECONSTITUTED WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE INTERNET FOR REASONS BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING. THOUGH CATS EXIST IN ABUNDANCE HERE, SO TOO DOES BACON. NEVERTHELESS, MY APPETITE SHALL NOT BE SATED SO EASILY.

I REQUIRE A BOTTLE OF GIN.

Now then. Welcome to SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA. The perpetual media disparagement of my glorious Big Ten Conference, the chosen league of the Union, has filled me with such rage that I have returned to ride once more for the honor of my nation's greatest institution. WAR IS THE REMEDY THAT OUR ENEMIES HAVE CHOSEN, AND I SAY LET US GIVE THEM ALL THEY WANT!

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the Charlotte 49ers. Why I've begun my quest in Charlotte, I do not know, but it seems that 126 years after my birth, the city finally managed to establish a public university. I DID NOT EVEN BURN THIS CITY; WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG? Eventually, it would be adopted by the noted bastion of academic integrity in Chapel Hill.

Curious as to what could possibly drive Charlotte to call itself "the 49ers," I stumbled upon this Wikipedia entry:

The nickname "49ers" derives from the fact that the university's predecessor—Charlotte Center of the University of North Carolina (CCUNC – established in 1946) was saved from being shut down by the state in 1949 by Bonnie Cone, when the Charlotte Center became Charlotte College. Due to this "49er spirit" that Cone felt embodied the University, referring to the settlers that endured much hardships in traveling across the United States to seek fortune in the California Gold Rush, students of the fledgling UNC Charlotte chose "49ers" as the school's mascot. The fact that the site of the U.S.'s first major gold discovery, Reed's Gold Mine, is located nearby may also be a contributing factor to the nickname. The fact that the University's Main Campus front entrance is located on North Carolina Highway 49 is pure coincidence.

So, CCUNC (itself no IUPUI as far as lengthy abbreviations are concerned) was saved in 1949, causing the student body to empathize with people who sought fortune thousands of miles away a hundred years prior? THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST NICKNAME IN FBS FOOTBALL.

The plucky university has finally decided to revisit football, starting a full 117 years after the initial foundation of the Big Ten. That's right, Charlotte enters only its fourth season ever this fall, having spent 2 years as an FCS independent and earning such success (10-12) that Conference-USA jumped at the chance to include this upstart team. Not a single conference game was won, and in fact, in its entire history Charlotte has never won a conference game.

I HEREBY PISS ON YOU, THE STRANGELY NONDESCRIPT CITY OF CHARLOTTE THAT SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD BE MUCH MORE FUN THAN IT ACTUALLY IS, AS WELL AS YOUR INFANT FOOTBALL PROGRAM.

CHARLOTTE'S NEXT DATE WITH THE BIG TEN: October 2nd, 2021 at the hands of the Illinois Fighting Illini regiment in Champaign.

SHERMAN'S NEXT DESTINATION: Las Cruces, New Mexico