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Hey Terrapins...Take Your Flag and Go Home!

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Maryland...I thought we were done with this fucking school in 1993...

Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Maryland? Aww shit...how in the hell did you get in here? I thought we dumped you guys decades ago.

You're like that stalker chick that we can't get rid of...stop showing up at our door every time you get drunk.Let me spell this out for you...you just aren't our type.

You are a bad football school, with bad fans, a stupid mascot, and ridiculously bad taste in all things. You are terrible and you should be ashamed of yourselves for coming here.

Since 1917 PSU and UMD played 39 football games. Maryland's results? Thirty six losses, two wins, and one tie. That's an 8% win rate...that's not even a passing grade at Chapel Hill.

Really, what the fuck are you doing here?

Fat Turtle

Beyond just being a bad football team. You have fan problems. What's with the fucking flag on everything? Who are you...the Canada of the east coast? You wear the Maryland flag so people don't mistake you for a fucking Rutgers fan? You sound alike...look alike...and have the same delusions about future success, so maybe you do need that distinguishing feature. But jeez...it's ugly. Maybe just stick to a simple red Testudo, instead of that scrambled egg with ketchup vomit stain you put on everything.

movement

And it isn't just the flag...you have a serious attendance problem. Your 54,000 seat stadium is rarely full. You average about 40,000 "official" fans per game. Which is a bullshit overcounting...your officials count like Tarpwestern's. There's no way you put 40k in seats. That stadium is as vacant as Vodka Samm's stare. It's so pathetic, your fans don't even get up for Big Ten games. You had more "official" attendance for the Richmond Spiders than you did for Indiana.

And don't give me that shit about not showing up because Indiana is a bad team. That's a conference game, good fans go to conference games. And you lost (LOL)...

Here's what I mean about a real B1G football school's fans. Ohio State put over 107,000 butts in seats to see the Buckeyes plaster your sorry asses. Good teams' fans show up...rain or shine.You want success? Get your ass in a seat and root for your team. This isn't the ACC anymore. I don't give a fuck if it's rainy in Baltimore...go to the game.

Look, this isn't about me, it's you. Here's one of my favorite Maryland rants, courtesy of one of your own Delta Gamma sisters...

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?
Yes, Maryland fans are blind. Proof? Oh yeah, I've got your proof...

And these...

UMD Shorts

And these...

UMD Undies

And nothing makes me think "SEXY TIME!" like these...

UMD Sexy Time

And what in the hell is this?

UMD WTF?

Yeah, you're blinded by your flag. And you make seriously bad choices...But you aren't Wisconsin, so you ARE sober sometimes. That means these are conscious choices. Let me suggest another conscious choice to add to your repertoire...go to the fucking football games.

Let's talk about Testudo, the mighty Terrapin mascot. Testudo is a Diamondback Terrapin, a small turtle native to the brackish swamps of the eastern U.S. It's scientific name is Malaclemys terrapin, which, translated from the Latin means: Really Fucking Bad at Football.

What's funny to me is that Maryland is bad and has been for years. Yet never, in the history of college football has so much smoke been made from so little actual fire.

Let me back that up with a little data. Compare the number of Maryland players drafted by the NFL to those drafted from Purdue:

Period Purdue Maryland
2010 - 2015 7 8
2005 - 2009 13 13
2000 - 2004 19 13
1995 - 1999 7 6
1990 - 1994 8 8
1985 - 1989 12 22
1980 - 1984 17 15

Since 1980, Purdue had 83 kids drafted by the NFL...UMD had 85. Congratulations Maryland, you are Purdue.

However, unlike Purdue fans, Maryland fans lack perspective. It's fine to be a fan, but come on. Nobody at Purdue is running their mouths anywhere near as much as Terps fans. It's a constant spew of attitude, without any merit. And god it gets old.

Here's the script:

Helpful Observer: "Wow, Maryland...you suck at football."

Terp Fan: "Durr, Coach Hype Sux!"

Helpful Observer:"No really, your offense is bad."

Terp fan: "Hurr Durr, Penn State Sux."

Helpful Observer: "You're losing your best defensive players too, how will you do this year?"

Terp Fan: "Shuddup...Penn State...Coach Hype...Paterno pooped his pants!"

Helpful Observer: "Are you really in the B1G?"

Terp Fan: "We Winning!"

The thing is, this isn't new. when they were in the ACC, they were ranked as the worst fans in the conference, described as "crude, disgusting, and at times dangerous".

Nice.

In a conference with the likes of Duke, UNC, Clemson, and Florida State...that's a seriously impressive victory. That's the only impressive victory for football in a long, long time.

I for one am looking forward to the hilarity of your season. You could legitimately win a single conference game this year. In fact, if Rutgers weren't so fucking helpless, I could see you having no conference wins this season. And I predict you'll join that sad club of conference teams that lost to Darrell Hazell.

Congratulations.

If I were you, I'd go into the season with the understanding that you won't be in many of these games. New coaching staff, big turnover on D. Go to Ann Arbor, to Lincoln, to Bloomington, and to State College with an open mind. The stuff on the field won't be fun, so watch the other team's fans.

You have a lot to learn...might as well start now.

Your Friend,

Townie