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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: UTAH STATE AGGIES

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Where was Gary Andersen before he became a shameful deserter?

YOU CALL THAT A PUNT?
YOU CALL THAT A PUNT?
Chris Nicoll-USA TODAY Sports

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IS IT JUNE ALREADY? DID I WRITE THIS?

ohhhhh my head. I NEED A HUNDRED BEERS.

UTAH?!?! WHY ARE WE IN UTAH?

Ah, now I remember. This is the home of the Utah State Aggies, formerly coached by cowardly deserter General Gary Andersen. The only thing that enrages me more than Atlanta not being on fire is cowardice and desertion. I shall salt the earth from whence General Andersen came, and I shall pursue him all the way to the Conference of Communists on the West Coast.

So, what is there to say about a team called the Aggies that isn't Texas A&M? For starters, prior to this year they played in two different venues called Romney Stadium, named for Dick Romney. I thought it strange that official sources would refer to Mitt Romney as Dick given that he's the most notable thing to come out of Utah.

After revisiting the issue it seems that Dick Romney was actually a former coach of Utah State, who once led them to a bowl in which they were shut out 20-0 by the San Jose State Spartans.

Among Utah State's rivals is Utah itself. Take "rivals" for what it's worth, as they are 29-79-4 against the Utes all-time. The bowl history of Utah State includes no wins over P5 conference teams, and a record of 3-2 against the MAC. Congratulations on going 3-2 against the MAC. This makes you Ron Zook. Most recently, just last year, Utah State became the first team to ever lose a bowl game to the Akron Zips.

Speaking of embarrassing losses to things in Ohio, I must revisit General Gary Andersen, whose promotion to the command of the Wisconsin Badgers regiment to replace the traitor Bret Bielema came as a bit of a surprise to me. 26-24 over four years at a WAC school, even with a WAC championship in the final year, is hardly qualification enough for the glorious post he received. True to form, Wisconsin continued to win games without anybody even knowing who the coach was.

However, though the Wisconsin machine continued to churn out wins, General Andersen never fit in. Perhaps it was the not-so-dry nature of Madison; perhaps he felt unworthy to bask in the glory of the Big Ten Conference. As these were pre-existing conditions, they could not excuse his next move. Humiliated by the Badgers' 59-0 defeat in the 2014 Big Ten Championship Game, General Anderson embraced his cowardice and fled to the safety of the Oregon State Beavers head coaching position, where Mike Riley had proven that toiling away in mediocrity is perfectly acceptable. His frustrations with Wisconsin admissions were later found to be a contributing factor. Funny how the same issue doesn't stop Pat Fitzgerald from winning ten games at Northwestern nor does it stop Lovie Smith from taking the Illinois job. You'd think he didn't bother to learn anything about the job he was taking.

General Andersen's Beavers finished 2-10 with no conference wins in his first year at Oregon State.

FOR SHAME, UTAH STATE, FOR SHAME. YOU PRODUCED INEPT COMMAND LEADERSHIP AND THEN LOST TO AKRON IN A BOWL GAME, AND COULDN'T EVEN DRINK AWAY THE SORROW. I SHALL POUR GIN UPON YOUR CROPS THAT YOU MIGHT TASTE SWEET FREEDOM. SPEAKING OF WHICH, LET'S LEAVE THIS VAST EXPANSE OF WASTELAND THAT HAS SOMEHOW PASSED FOR A STATE.

Next B1G Matchup for Utah State: September 2, 2017 at Wisconsin. How lovely and apropos.

Sherman's Next Destination: Boise, Idaho.