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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: TROY TROJANS

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The treachery of the Southerners knows no bounds

you got stunted on by Joel Stave after a rushing touchdown
you got stunted on by Joel Stave after a rushing touchdown
Christian Petersen/Getty Images

In this installment of SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA, I have advanced to Troy, Alabama, home of the Troy Trojans of Troy University. I sure have manufactured a lot of opportunities to say Troy. ONE MIGHT EVEN CALL ME A REGULAR TROY SMITH.

This was a town of a mere 600 in the days of the Civil War. Following the war, however, Troy became the home of one of the most disgraceful monuments in the history of human civilization. To this day, you can see the remains of what once was a monument to John Wilkes Booth, to celebrate him for assassinating Abraham Lincoln.

EAT SHIT AND DIE, TROY, ALABAMA, FOR ALL BUT CELEBRATING THIS. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE ALL YOU COULD TO ENSURE NOBODY EVER FOUND OUT JUST WHAT DEPTHS THE DEPRAVITY OF YOUR TREASONOUS CONFEDERATE FANATICISM REACHED. THE SUM OF EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER OR WILL EVER BE PRODUCED BY THE STATE OF ALABAMA SHALL NEVER ADD UP TO HALF THE GREATNESS OF PRESIDENT LINCOLN, AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE FORBADE ME FROM SETTING THE WHOLE STATE ON FIRE. I WOULD HAVE.

And apparently you have a cute little college with a cute little football team. Naturally, as the city is Troy, they must be called the Troy Trojans, named after the legendary army that somehow couldn't detect an entire army inside a huge wooden horse. The Trojan Horse lives on today in its namesake malware: Trojans are of course a computer ailment idiots get by clicking and downloading things only an idiot would click and download. WHO WOULDN'T BE INSPIRED TO BE A TROJAN?

Since joining FBS in 2001, Troy has managed a win against the SEC and two against the Big 12 (Mississippi State, Missouri and Oklahoma State). However, this ragtag band has yet to score a victory against the Big Ten. In fact, they have yet to even get close, most recently being pummeled 28-3 at the hands of the Wisconsin Badgers last year. Observe the header picture of Joel Stave stuntin on these Trojans after they allowed a Joel Stave Rushing Touchdown. Coach Larry Blakeney retired after 2014, and with him went Troy's tradition of winning.

Being the ladder-climbers they are, Troy doesn't have any longstanding rivalries (Troy and Abed are not rivals). The latest attempt to manufacture a traditional rivalry has been with fellow newly-anointed-FBS-team South Alabama. TROY, YOUR RIVALRY IS WITH USA. WHY DO YOU HATE THE USA? GET BACK IN LINE.

THE GLORY DAYS OF OCCASIONALLY BEING A THREAT TO TAKE DOWN A BIG 12 BOTTOMFEEDER ARE OVER FOR YOU, TROY, AND I HOPE YOU NEVER WIN ANOTHER GAME. HELEN OF TROY, ALABAMA IS PRESUMABLY THE ONLY WOMAN UNDER 250 WITH ALL OF HER TEETH AND A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA. NOW I'M GOING TO DO WHAT THE REST OF THE COUNTRY HAS DONE AND FORGET YOU EXIST.

Troy's Next B1G Matchup: September 15th, 2018 at the home of the Nebraska Cornhuskers regiment.

Sherman's Next Destination: Mobile, Alabama.