clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: SOUTH ALABAMA JAGUARS

New, 4 comments

To have your city insulted online, go to the General and save some time.

Eric Francis/Getty Images

I have at last returned to THE SEA and reached the "city" of Mobile, Alabama. The outskirts are apparently home to over a million people...depending on your definition of the word "people." Here is a crew from the BBC attempting to traverse the greater Mobile area:

So in 1963, a university was established here in a hopeless attempt to educate the populace. It is now the second-largest employer in Mobile...two spots ahead of WalMart. YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY, MOBILE.

in 2009, USA started a football team. USA? THAT'S NOT YOU. THAT'S AMERICA. YOU CLAIM TO LOVE AMERICA YET YOU FLY CONFEDERATE FLAGS. CALL YOURSELVES SAU. YOU CAN'T USE USA.

So, this infant football program went to a bowl game in only its fifth season of existence. The main reason this program exists is to give Ladd-Peebles Stadium something else to host besides the occasional SEC game, the occasional bowl and the Senior Bowl.

This team calls itself the Jaguars, but they should probably be called the Beat-Up '84 Ford Rangers With Rust Issues And A Muffler Barely Hanging On, Complete With A "Calvin Peeing On Chevy Logo" Window Stickers if Southern Alabama really wants to reflect the local taste in vehicles. I don't know what I'd be more surprised to see in Mobile: a Jaguar XJ or an actual jaguar.

The Union Army took Mobile by sea shortly before the end of the Civil War. Of course, the city didn't surrender until several days after Robert E. Lee's surrender at Appomattox. However, with my armies bearing down on them, they raised the white flag to avoid being burninated. This was a futile effort, as a month later Mobile would burn anyway as a result of a massive explosion in an ammunition depot.

WE LIKE TO PRETEND MOBILE, ALABAMA DOESN'T EXIST AND NOW YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOUR WAY INTO OUR COLLEGE FOOTBALL? SHAME ON YOU, MOBILE. I HAVE VERY FEW WORDS FOR YOU BUT THEY ARE ALL CONTEMPTUOUS.

South Alabama's Next B1G Matchup: August 31st, 2019 at the home of the Nebraska Cornhuskers regiment

Sherman's Next Destination: Tampa, Florida