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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: FIU PANTHERS

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Hilariously poor coaching decisions de-claw these panthers.

Michael Hickey/Getty Images

I have now pushed into Florida. Hooooooo boy. Florida. A place where someone will actually throw a live alligator into a drive-thru window. If you'd like to see the extent to which Florida embodies the worst of America, check this out:

I pushed all the way south into Miami, whose illegal pet trade has at long last brought us a terrifying scenario in which Florida is being overrun by Burmese pythons. This is in no way a joke: enough Burmese pythons escaped into the wild that there is now a substantial wild breeding population. Nobody knows how many there are, since they're Burmese pythons and are hard to track, but there may be over 300,000 of them. They're already wiping out all the mammals in the Everglades and once they're all gone, humans will be the next mammal they target. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MIAMI. THE ONLY COURSE OF ACTION LEFT IS TO BURN FLORIDA TO THE GROUND AND SALT THE EARTH.

Founded 100 years after the end of the Civil War, FIU debuted its football team, the FIU Panthers, in 2002. They accomplished very little in their first few years, save for the emergence of their greatest hero, A'Mod Ned, in the infamous FIU-Miami brawl of 2006.

Ned

Ned doesn't let his injury stop him. He crutches his way towards the brawl.

FIU made a massively popular hire in Mario Cristobal in 2007. In 2010, the Panthers would win the Sun Belt title and their first bowl game, following it up with a second consecutive bowl season in 2011. Cristobal was incredibly popular, and despite slipping to 3-9 in 2012, he would continue to actually, they fired the young, successful and popular Cristobal to hire Ron Turner.

Yes, the same Ron Turner who coached the last winless Big Ten team (0-11 Illinois in 1997) and led the Illinois Fighting Illini to the Sugar Bowl in 2001 to a 1-11 record in 2003. He produced a 1-11 season in 2013 and has yet to return to a bowl game in three seasons.

The same athletic director, Pete Garcia, who made this stroke of genius happen went to that Big Ten well before. In 2009, he hired former Indiana star Isaiah Thomas to coach the men's basketball program. It's difficult to overstate how poorly he did. The high point was year 2, when they went 11-19 with a 5-11 conference mark. He would be fired after year 3, having gone 26-65 (14-36). EDDIE JORDAN LOOKED AT THAT RECORD AND WENT "DAMN."

Garcia then hired LIttle Richard Pitino away from an assistant job at Louisville, and after he led them to a winning season he was quickly hired away by Minnesota. I GUESS ONE YEAR WASN'T LONG ENOUGH FOR HALF HIS TEAM TO BE SUSPENDED.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL, YOUR RACE TO THE BOTTOM WITH FAU HAS REALLY HIT ANOTHER GEAR. YOU'RE KNOWN ONLY FOR A BRAWL WHILE BEING SHUT OUT AND THE SPECTACULARLY BAD ISAIAH THOMAS ERA, AND I DON'T THINK RON TURNER IS GOING TO SAVE YOU. YOU'RE ALREADY BEING PASSED UP IN THE SUN BELT BY TEAMS THAT WEREN'T IN FBS THE LAST TIME YOU WON THE CONFERENCE.

OH AND ONE OTHER THING: WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES.

FIU's Next Date with the B1G: September 9th, 2016 when the Maryland Terrapins invade and destroy.

Sherman's Next Destination: Tampa, Florida