clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

GENERAL SHERMAN’S MARCH TO THE SEA: MIAMI HURRICANES

New, 16 comments

Today the Miami Hurricanes stand trial for dereliction of duty

YEAAAAAHHHH!!
LSUFREEK via EDSBS!

Welcome back to SHERMAN’S MARCH TO THE SEA. After annihilating USF in Tampa, I redirected my loyal arson brigade south to sunny Coral Gables, the home of the University of Miami.

First off, shouldn’t a University named for a city actually be in that city? Lame. As if I needed another reason to burn this shithole to the ground.

The University of Miami allegedly played football from 1926 to 1979, but I think the football program was a slush fund designed to get coeds and football to South Beach. Fearing NCAA discovery of said slush fund, the school hired Howard Schnellenberger, a good ol’ boy with a corncob pipe who actually knew what the hell he was doing and didn’t get in trouble doing it......This will NOT be a recurring theme.

Recruiting the city of Miami, Schnelly brought loads of good players to the Orange Bowl, and had some success against my Nittany Lion and Cornhusker regiments, eventually winning a National Title. Inexplicably, good ol’ Schnelly departed to the USFL , which folded largely due to mismanagement a blonde haired overleveraged New York City real estate millionaire. OH SCHNELLY, WHAT A YUUUUUGE DISAPPOINTMENT.

With each subsequent coaching hire, the Miami Hurricanes became more and more lawless. Jimmy Johnson came in with his helmet hair and led the Canes to more success, at least until General Paterno and his Nittany Lion regiment sent those thugs back home. I remember General Paterno as a private in the Civil War, and I was proud of the way he went on to dispatch the best team money could buy. I was almost as proud as I was creeped out by his defensive coordinator, but that’s a story for another day.

Next, Dennis Erickson came in to coach the Canes, and had further success. HOWEVER, MUCH LIKE MARK RICHT (keep reading), HE LOST CONTROL OF THE PROGRAM.

Erickson claimed to be oh so blissfully unaware that Luther Campbell and several NFL players were paying Canes for hits. You may remember Campbell as the lead MC of 2 Live Crew, who became famous when their album was declared obscene by the courts. IN ALL THAT HYPE, NOBODY SEEMS TO HAVE LISTENED LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE THESE DUDES WERE SOME REALLY SHITTY RAPPERS. MC HAMMER WAS RAPPING CIRCLES AROUND THEM, AND THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE LISTENED TO THEIR SHIT WAS TO SEEM EDGY. Also, there was Pell Grant fraud and other shit, so the NCAA severely punished the Canes.

New head coach Butch Davis took over in the mid-90’s and rebuilt the Canes despite crippling sanctions. Davis was an outstanding recruiter. Then he had the bright idea to go coach the Cleveland Browns, so his assistant Uncle Fester (Larry Coker) took over.

Coker was given a roster so talented that it won a national title despite being coached by Larry Coker in 2001. Still among the most talented teams ever assembled, the 2002 Hurricanes couldn’t repeat as champions because they couldn’t contain Craig Krenzel and the Ohio State Buckeyes. HEY GLENN SHARPE, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET FLAGGED FOR PASS INTERFERENCE, DON’T COMMIT PASS INTERFERENCE. TRIED THAT YET?

Miami was too good to be true, because SUBWAY ALUM NEVIN FUCKING SHAPIRO BOUGHT THE WHOLE DAMN TEAM. HE PAID FOR HOOKERS, AN (alleged) ABORTION, BOOZE, PLAYERS, MEALS, TVS AND TONS OF OTHER SHIT I’D REMEMBER IF I WASN’T HUNGOVER.

GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!!!
Manny Navarro, Miami Herald photographer

Once again, Miami was whacked with sanctions. You think these fuckers would learn to behave, but NOOOOO, they’re at it again! The anointed savior Mark Richt, fired from Georgia after failing to convert the best talent pool in the country into wins, has lost control of the program before he’s even coached a game.

APPARENTLY FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL PLAYERS HAVE BEEN DRIVING BENTLEYS AROUND CAMPUS IN VIOLATION OF NCAA RULES

After linebacker Juwon Young crashed his Bentley, people started wondering where he got it. So now the news is that Miami is looking into a "potential NCAA violation." GEE. YOU THINK? THAT’S THREE OR MORE TIMES YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE NCAA, AND YOU SHOULD BE SUBJECT TO THE DEATH PENALTY.

But wait. Perhaps the NCAA doesn’t even need to intervene. See, back when they were winning everything, the Hurricanes enjoyed an incredible home field advantage in the legendary Miami Orange Bowl in Little Havana. But then, when the Marlins threatened to leave town, the university got in a pissing match with the city of Miami that ended with everyone losing. The city is paying billions of dollars over decades to fund the Marlins’ park where the Orange Bowl once stood. Hurricane football moved 21 miles north to Insert Sponsor Here Stadium (seriously, it currently doesn’t have a sponsor), and all these people followed it there:

HOW CAN THE NCAA KILL MIAMI FOOTBALL WHEN IT’S ALREADY DEAD? THIS ARTICLE IS THE LAST THING THAT WILL EVER BE "ALL ABOUT THE U."

Miami’s Next Date with the B1G: Saturday Sept 21st 2019 against Rutgers.

Sherman’s next destination: Statesboro, Georgia