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GEORGIA SOUTHERN THREW A GAME: SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA

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Today, Georgia Southern stands trial for dereliction of duty.

Not even close
Not even close
Todd Bennett/Getty Images

I've finally led my troops out of Florida, for which they are incredibly grateful. For my courage and bravery in the face of hundreds of thousands of Burmese pythons, I shall reward myself by passing through Statesboro, Georgia.

During the Civil War and General William T. Sherman's famous march to the sea, a Union officer asked a saloon proprietor for directions to Statesboro. The proprietor replied, "You are standing in the middle of town." The soldiers destroyed only the courthouse—a crude log structure that doubled as a barn when court was not in session.

HOW ADORABLY QUAINT. I CONCLUDED THAT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE IN STATESBORO, AS NO CITY COULD BE SO DESTITUTE AND EMPTY. I WAS CORRECTED.

Statesboro has since become the home of the Georgia Southern Eagles, prolific producers of Southern Conference championships in the past few decades. Their name consists of three words. I hate Georgia, I hate things that are Southern, but I love eagles. This adorable team still runs the triple option that Paul Johnson installed in 1997. Football alumni include the Adrian Peterson that didn't beat his kids and Earthwind Moreland, owner of a great name and a short NFL career. After racking up only 15 career tackles, Earthwind was fired.

Perhaps, despite our differences, I could have developed a soft spot for this team, especially after they delivered a seventh loss to the hapless Florida Gators in 2013 while still playing in FCS. THE VILE GATORS OF THE ABHORRENTLY VILLAINOUS SEC WERE SUNK TO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF DESPAIR, AND NOT EVEN SPENCER HALL WAS SPARED.

Two years later, in 2015, Georgia Southern started off its second year in FBS competition with a shutout loss to the West Virginia Mountaineers, but would eventually find themselves 8-3 with that loss and an overtime loss to the Georgia Bulldogs as two of the three blemishes. To see them shake Georgia to its core was satisfying despite the fact that they didn't manage to pull it out. Then, in the first weekend of December, due to a shortage of six-win teams it became evident that some 5-7 Big Ten teams would qualify for bowls due to their academic superiority over all others.The Minnesota Golden Gophers and Nebraska Cornhuskers would expand the glorious ranks of the postseason Big Ten regiment to ten teams, and all the Illinois Fighting Illini needed to become the eleventh Big Ten team to bowl was for 21-point favorite Georgia Southern to lay the predicted beatdown upon the 5-6 Georgia State Panthers.

GLORY WAS WITHIN MY GRASP. I WOULD HAVE MORE TEAMS IN THE POSTSEASON THAN THE CONFERENCE'S NAME WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE EXISTED. BOWL SEASON WOULD BE TURNED UP TO ELEVEN.

Georgia Southern lost 34-7, so embarrassing Willie Fritz that he left to coach the Tulane Green Wave. When a 21-point favorite loses a rivalry game by 28, it's often pointed to as a reason you never know what to expect in such a contest. BUT WHEN THAT RIVALRY GAME INVOLVES THE TREASONOUS STATE OF GEORGIA AND IS TO THE DETRIMENT OF THE UNION, THE TRUE NATURE OF THAT RESULT BECOMES APPARENT.

GEORGIA SOUTHERN, YOU THREW THE GAME AGAINST YOUR IN-STATE RIVALS IN AN ATTEMPT TO LIMIT THE GLORY OF THE BIG TEN CONFERENCE AND THE GLORIOUS UNION IT REPRESENTS. YOUR ONLY DEFENSE AGAINST THIS ACCUSATION IS TO SINCERELY STATE THAT YOU REALLY WERE 28 POINTS WORSE THAN GEORGIA STATE. BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT, YOU CONNIVING BASTARDS.

Georgia Southern's next B1G matchup: September 23rd, 2017 at Fort Bloomington, home of the Indiana Hoosiers regiment.

Sherman's Next Destination: Columbia, South Carolina