SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: SAN DIEGO STATE AZTECS

I had no vehicles stolen in Fresno, so I decided my troops should enjoy a vacation: namely, a relaxing oceanside ransacking of San Diego, home of the San Diego State Aztecs.

SDSU is, of course, named for the Aztec Empire, an influential civilization formerly in central Mexico nowhere near San Diego. Facing pressure to drop this name, I'm hopeful that San Diego State adopts a new nickname to honor those currently in control of central Mexico. Picture it in your mind: "Let's hear it for the Mountain West champions, your San Diego State Los Zetas!"

BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU WANT TO NAME YOURSELF AFTER SOMETHING THAT NEVER EXISTED IN SAN DIEGO, TRY "WINTER" OR "ADVERSITY" OR "PERSPECTIVE."

WORRY NOT, LOYAL FOOTSOLDIERS; TEQUILA IS ON THE WAY TO MY CONVOY AS WE SPEAK.

I find it intriguing that a Mountain West team is the sole tenant of the 70,000+ capacity Qualcomm Stadium. It's almost as if there had been an NFL team there at some point. THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, SAN DIEGO FOOTBALL FANS. THIS IS YOUR TEAM NOW. 11 WINS LAST YEAR WAS THE HIGH POINT IN HISTORY, AND YET JAMES FRANKLIN AND THE PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS WERE STILL SIXTEEN POINTS BETTER.

Of course, I suppose if bush-league football isn't your thing, there's baseball, where the Padres are trying to continue one of the longest postseason droughts in the majors by eating most of James Shields' contract and trading him. WHY IS YOUR TEAM NAMED THE DADS, SAN DIEGO?

Your most egregious offense, however, is producing enough results with Brady Hoke at the helm to fool the Michigan Wolverines into signing the man to be the next head coach. Your anti-B1G agenda proved fruitful, as Hoke was able to sabotage and embarrass one of my proud programs, but his damage was in no way irreversible and once he was dismissed, my Wolverine regiment rapidly recovered. YOU CANNOT SO EASILY OVERTHROW THE POWERS THAT BE, SAN DIEGO STATE. NOR CAN YOU ATTAIN B1G-TYPE BASKETBALL SUCCESS BY HIRING STEVE FISHER.

If SDSU is a top-five seed in the NCAA tournament under Steve Fisher, you can essentially pencil them in to be upset.

MY TROOPS AND I CHARGE YOU, SAN DIEGO STATE, WITH HAVING AN IRRELEVANT TEAM NAME AND ANACHRONISTIC MASCOT, ATTEMPTING TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE B1G BY HIRING A DISGRACED STEVE FISHER, ATTEMPTING TO SABOTAGE MICHIGAN WHEN YOU COULD NOT STEAL THEIR POWER BY SELLING THEM A DEFECTIVE BRADY HOKE, AND GENERALLY BEING TRASH. BY CHARGING YOU WITH THESE CRIMES, SAN DIEGO, WE HAVE BECOME THE ONLY SAN DIEGO CHARGERS THAT EXIST IN 2016.

SDSU's next B1G matchup: None are scheduled, as they fear our wrath.

Sherman's Next Destination: Tuscon, Arizona