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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: FRESNO STATE BULLDOGS

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Sherman reaches the car theft capital of America

My troops have reached the cesspool that is Fresno, California, where we shall ride swiftly so as to avoid staying the night. If we do, our cars will be stolen. Fresno is the car theft capital of America, and though statistics aren't available for horses, I shall play it safe.

CALIFORNIA AMUSES ME IN THAT THEIR CITIZENS KNOW ALL THE SOLUTIONS TO SOCIAL PROBLEMS IN AMERICA BUT CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE WATER TO THE ENTIRE POPULATION. I SHALL MAKE IT EASIER BY LEAVING YOU WITH ONE LESS CITY, CALIFORNIA.

The Fresno State Bulldogs have been playing since 1921 and have accomplished a remarkably small number of things on the gridiron since then. Perhaps they've decided to let the whole "car theft" thing be what makes them unique, since it certainly isn't the name. With 39 other four-year schools calling themselves the Bulldogs, Fresno State has the third-most common team name in the U.S. They did, however, endeavor to bring a unique perspective with their mascot, Timeout the Bulldog. I am not making this up: they named their mascot after the preferred child punishment method for upper-middle-class Caucasian parenting.

Perhaps Timeout should relocate to Fort State College so that General Franklin might understand how to use him properly. But I digress.

Notable NFL draft bust David Carr managed to elevate Fresno State to the top 25 in the early 2000's, but could not sustain that success without a #1 overall draft pick at quarterback. This led to Tim DeRuyter taking the reins, and with Derek Carr at QB he won conference championships in 2012 and 2013.

Though he was brought up as one of the coaches for bigger programs to hire following 2013, DeRuyter decided not to cash in and managed an impressive 6-8 season in 2014 before going 3-9 last year. LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL MID-MAJOR COACHES WHO ACHIEVE BRIEF RENOWN: GO ON, TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN.

YOU DISAPPOINT ME, FRESNO STATE. NEARLY A CENTURY OF GENERICALLY-NAMED FOOTBALL HAS PRODUCED VIRTUALLY NOTHING OF ANY NOTE, EXCEPT PERHAPS A 55-19 LOSS TO NEBRASKA IN A SEASON WHERE THEY FIRED THEIR COACH. IF YOU END A SEASON AS FRESNO STATE'S HEAD COACH WITH YOUR TEAM RANKED, YOU SHOULD TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN. YOU'LL HAVE TO RUN, SINCE YOUR CAR WILL BE STOLEN.

Fresno State's next B1G matchup: September 3rd, 2016 at Nebraska

Sherman's Next Destination: San Diego, CA