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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: ARIZONA WILDCATS

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GET ME OUT OF THIS GODFORSAKEN DESERT

Casey Sapio-USA TODAY Sports

With an ample supply of tequila, my troops prepared to cross Arizona and quickly found themselves in Tucson. Unfortunate though this turn of events may have been, we decided to exact our revenge upon the city of Tuscon for the crime of existing. This is not normally a crime, unless you are Tuscon.

This bustling metropolis exists largely to staff the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, which mostly consists of the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base Boneyard, the largest American repository for disused military planes. In other words, Tuscon exists to take care of a gigantic field full of old planes.

boneyard

I SHALL COMMANDEER THESE VEHICLES AND USE THEM TO DESTROY ATLANTA ONCE MORE.

But first I'd have to make it through Tucson without having my shit stolen or destroyed, and statistics are not on my side. Not only will your property be destroyed or stolen by the residents if you live here, your tax dollars will mysteriously disappear as well. Of course, sometimes they'll be put to good use, like a futile effort to rid your city of its legendary stench. Between these factors, an average June high temperature over 100F, massive dust storms and valley fever, I can't understand what would possess someone to live here...unless it was the only gig they could get after being fired from Michigan.

GENERAL RICH RODRIGUEZ, HENCEFORTH REFERRED TO AS "DICKROD," WENT 15-22 AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.

Once Arizona grew tired of having a lesser Stoops at the helm, they snatched up the fired DickRod and in 2014 managed to win an incredibly weak PAC12 South. They carried this momentum into 2015...where they went 3-6 in conference play. ONCE A DICKROD ALWAYS A DICKROD.

I can't pretend that nothing has changed about the Arizona Wildcats in the DickRod era. Their Nike design team found the "Gradient" tool in Photoshop:

gradient arizona

Usually, numbers that are difficult to read in practice looked kind of cool in concept. Not so in this case. Another thing that's changed under DickRod is the subtlety of sideline signals.

punt flag

What hasn't changed is that you're still an afterthought in a miserable excuse for a city in a fairly Godforsaken part of the country. I was surprised to learn that Arizona has a winning record against Arizona State, and I think most people would be. This is because Arizona State actually seems to matter every once in a blue moon and has a recognizable brand. Yet another team called the Wildcats can only sit in the desert and try to pretend that "Bear Down" is mainly associated with them and not the Chicago Bears.

Entering their 39th season in the PAC12, the Wildcats can lay claim to only half a conference championship in 1993. And since they weren't picked for the Rose Bowl, this means Arizona has never played in the Rose Bowl despite joining the PAC12 thirty-eight years ago!

ARIZONA, I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER AT LOOKING AFTER MY RETIRED PLANES THAN YOU ARE AT FIELDING A NATIONALLY RELEVANT FOOTBALL PROGRAM. WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE ROSE BOWL...IF YOU EVER EVER GET THERE. THAT IS, IF YOU EVER WIN THE CONFERENCE TITLE AND THEN MAKE IT OUT OF TUSCON WITHOUT DYING OR GETTING ALL YOUR EQUIPMENT STOLEN.

Arizona's Next Date with the Big Ten: September 16, 2028 at Nebraska. If their charter jet hasn't been stolen by then.

Sherman's Next Destination: El Paso, TX