GREETINGS, LOYAL CONSTITUENTS.
I write to you from a vast expanse of desert somewhere in either Texas or New Mexico. I'm not even sure. What is sure is that despite meager rations and a grueling pace, this is taking forever. I anticipated this, and with so many targets to hit I decided to call up my old colleague General Ulysses S. Grant. I was fully aware of his legendary drinking problem, but such issues never stopped me from doing work.
Still, I considered this carefully and offered to him a low-risk target: the Georgia State Panthers in Atlanta, a team entering its seventh season of existence with the all-time lowest winning percentage in FBS football. I'd hoped for a battle report by this morning.
I tried to keep in close contact to monitor his progress and heard nothing until I checked my texts this morning:
General Grant's army was reportedly terrorizing Daytona Beach all night. Authorities found Grant himself passed out on top of a golf cart on the beach wearing a women's swimsuit several sizes too large for him. One of his intelligence officers managed to find his uniform for sale on Craigslist. Grant is reportedly still sleeping it off.
GENERAL GRANT, YOU ARE HEREBY RELIEVED OF COMMAND. GEORGIA STATE, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY TO HAVE BEEN SPARED, THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHY A WEIRD COMMUTER COLLEGE DECIDED IT NEEDED AN FBS FOOTBALL TEAM. ATLANTA, I'M COMING FOR YOU.
Georgia State's next Big Ten matchup: September 17th, 2016 at Madison, home of the Wisconsin Badgers regiment.
Grant's Next Destination: Rehab
Sherman's Next Destination: Lubbock, Texas