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A Non-Exhaustive, Yet Exhausting, List of Things That Are Terrible, But Somehow Still Not As Terrible As Iowa

Iowa is THE WORST. We all know this, it is the original tale as old as time. But sometimes, nothing drives a point home like pure quantity. So here is a list of things that unquestionably suck--but somehow, still don't suck as much as the Iowa Hawkeyes.

What a mess.
What a mess.

  1. Splinters
  2. Spilled milk
  3. Lost luggage
  4. Nickelback (yes, Iowa, you are worse than Nickelback. Let that marinate for awhile.)

    If Iowa was a hair situation, it would definitely be whatever is happening on Chad Kroeger's head and face.

  5. Post-game traffic
  6. Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor
    Juan Pablo

    Mmmm douche fumes.

  7. Stepping on earthworms after it rains
  8. Losing to Purdue
  9. Hail
  10. Spilling food on yourself during a first date
  11. Getting a run in brand new tights
  12. The state of Mississippi

    SEC! SEC! SEC!

  13. Cavities
  14. Stubbing your toe
  15. Mosquitos (Iowa is, admittedly, close to being the preferable of the two on this one, so, uh, yay Hawkeyes?)
  16. New Coke
  17. Sugar-free candy
    Sugar Free Candy

    Let's send some of these to Putin.

  18. Jeepers Creepers 2
  19. The Jonas Brothers
    Joe Bros

    Wow, I somehow made them worse.

  20. Road construction
  21. Delayed flights
  22. Blind dates
  23. Ingrown toenails
  24. Jar Jar Binks
  25. Facial waxing
    Facial Waxing

    This isn't even the terrible part.

  26. Hitting all the red lights
  27. The kid who pushed all of the elevator buttons
  28. Modern art
    Modern Art

    Modern Art: Great Con, or Greatest Con?

  29. The word "moist"
  30. Chicago O’Hare
  31. Disney World in July
    Sad at Disney

    Taken either at Disneyland, or maybe among a group of Hawkeyes immediately after the last Rose Bowl.

  32. Dersh
  33. Buick’s commercials
  34. Hangnails
  35. Tammy II
    Tammy II

    Poor Ron.

  36. Reading Derrida
  37. Scooping a litter box
  38. Guy Fieri (Like Nickelback, I don’t say this lightly, but so that Iowegians may fully understand the gravity of their situation.) GUY FREAKING FIERI.
    Guy Fieri

    Working theory: he has Hawkeyes on his belly with FLAMES. FOSHO! FLAVOR TOWN!

  39. Unripe avocados
  40. Flo from Progressive
  41. Spam (electronic)
  42. SPAM (square meat)
  43. Those few months where Draft Kings et. al. were legal and ubiquitous
  44. Bran-based food
  45. Any episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians

    Wow, can we start canonization early?

  46. Televised fishing
  47. Pimples
  48. Couples who run their names together, ie: Brangelina, Bennifer
    Bennifer I

    Responsible both for the name mashup phenomenon AND Gigli, Bennifer the First has a lot to answer for.

  49. Sunburns (Pro tip: Do NOT Google image search sunburns)
  50. Losing your keys
  51. Any Alvin and the Chipmunks movie
  52. The Friday music video
  53. Seasonal allergies
  54. February
  55. Rachael Ray’s pet food brand being named "Nutrish"

    Okay, but my dog doesn't even like peas, so go away, Rachael Ray. Also, I'm not sure it was strictly necessary to label the dish "Dish."

  56. Rachael Ray, celebrity chef for humans, having a pet food brand
  57. Rachael Ray
  58. Wearing thong underwear with jeans
  59. Landing an apartment next to THOSE neighbors
  60. Being on an elevator when someone farts
    Elevator Fart

    Instant access to images like this totally validates the existence of the internet.

  61. Illinois
  62. 100-degree heat
  63. Sour milk
    sour milk

    We've all lived this dream.

  64. Political ads—commercials, robocalls, mailers…all of it
  65. Parking tickets
  66. Millennials


  67. Baby boomers
    Baby Boomers


  68. Skunk scent
  69. The last few seasons of The Office
  70. Uggs
  71. Baby names made up entirely of gratuitous y’s and random syllables in a misguided quest for uniqueness
    White girl baby names

    What did the letter "y" ever do to this woman?

  72. Commercials telling you to "Hurry!"
  73. Mildew
  74. Bad hair days
  75. Burned toast
    Burned toast

    Add a little Nutella, it's fine.

  76. Yugos
  77. Flat soft drinks
  78. Realizing you’ve unknowingly had something in your teeth all day
    Something in my teeth

    The natural follow-up to "women eating salad and laughing." Thanks Internet!

  79. Flip-flop blisters
  80. Head colds
  81. Rain on your wedding day
    Rainy wedding

    See also: Ride, free, when you've already paid. Advice, good, that you just didn't take.

  82. Speeding tickets
  83. Not being able to guess your own passwords
  84. Computer freezes
  85. Screaming babies on airplanes
  86. Pennies

    Like rabbits, they multiply effortlessly.

  87. Women who shop at Lululemon
  88. Lindsay Lohan’s current career
  89. Wet dog smell
  90. Doing laundry

    Won't someone get this woman some detergent pods and save her from herself!?

  91. The Rose Bowl lol
  92. Getting pepper in your nose
  93. Slicing onions
  94. Pauly Shore
  95. Grown men who go by "Pauly"
    Pauly D

    Noted Rutgers fan Pauly D.

  96. Cleaning gutters
  97. Removing painter’s tape and taking your freshly finished paint with it
  98. Kale (vegetable)
  99. Kale (child’s name)
  100. Oversleeping for work

    It's o'shit o'clock!

  101. Getting braces
  102. Papercuts
  103. Co-workers who trim their nails at their desks
  104. Real Housewives of Wherever
    Real Housewives

    This one might actually have some potential.

  105. Gum on the sidewalk
  106. The existence of an Angry Birds movie
  107. Chatty strangers on planes
  108. Cutting the side of your mouth on Flavor-Ices
    Flavor Ice

    How casually these two flirt with danger.

  109. Iowa State
  110. People who don’t use their turn signals
  111. Watching Frozen for the 34,235,493rd time because your five-year-old is addicted to it

    Remember those halcyon days when you didn't know verbatim the story of two estranged sisters overcoming their differences?

  112. Your remote control running out of batteries
  113. Judge-y moms
  114. Bad pizza. (It’s just such a waste.)
  115. Bathroom scales
  116. Sleet
  117. Finding yourself in the slowest checkout lane
    Longest checkout

    All the People magazines in the world can't save you.

  118. People who stand right by the entrance of the building and smoke
  119. People who stop just inside of a building entrance, impeding everyone else
  120. When your hands dry out in the winter
  121. Rompers for grown women

    For those occasions when you want to look like a toddler AND fully undress before you can pee.

  122. Sweat behind your knees
  123. The way they ended How I Met Your Mother
  124. People who call casseroles "hot dish"
  125. Runza deniers
  126. Your co-worker who microwaves fish in the break room
  127. Hangovers
  128. Getting water up your nose when swimming
  129. Stepping on Legos in bare feet  

    Was this discussed at the Geneva Convention? Shouldn't it have been?

  130. Dog farts
  131. Airport seating
  132. Houston
  133. Cleaning the refrigerator
  134. Kenny G
    Kenny G

    Hey boo.

  135. Split ends
  136. Old mattresses
  137. Undercooked pasta
  138. Forgetting to return a library book for…awhile
  139. Shaving mishaps
    Shaving mishap

    Pictured: Iowa fan on a Friday night.

  140. Dead phone batteries
  141. 65 mph speed limits on interstates
  142. Snails crawling out of your mouth (h/t April Ludgate-Dwyer)
  143. Doctors’ waiting rooms
  144. Heartburn
  145. All that Gladware but never being able to find the right lid
  146. Wheel of Fortune
  147. Bird poop on the windshield
  148. People who abuse the "Reply All" feature on emails
  149. Frat bros
    Frat bro

    Please go away.

  150. Those SPCA commercials with the sad dogs and Sarah McLaughlin
  151. Any photos of yourself from ages 11-17 or so
    Middle School

    With those socks, how could he not?

  152. Bee stings
  153. Flying in the middle seat
  154. Losing on a Hail Mary
    Nebraska Northwestern

    For you, MNW, as always. :)

  155. Losing because your punter drops the ball and the other team runs it back as time expires
    MSU Michigan

    Man, that would suck.

  156. Your terrible aunt who makes everyone unhappy at Thanksgiving
  157. Getting corn stuck in your teeth
  158. Loud cubicle neighbors
  159. This trophy

    Iowa gonna Iowa.

  160. Running out of hot water in the shower
  161. The second Harry Potter movie
  162. Portable toilets on a hot day
    Porta potties

    At least the fourth time on this list I've been glad I can't smell through the screen.

  163. Meetings that should have been emails
  164. Going to the dentist
  165. Removing band-aids
  166. When you notice the empty toilet paper roll too late
    Toilet paper roll

    Probably kill the guy who used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll?

  167. Pennsylvania’s liquor laws
  168. One red sock in a load of whites
  169. Unnecessarily animated gifs

    Whoever made this, you should be ashamed.

  170. Mark May
  171. Snagging your favorite sweater
  172. Applebee’s
  173. Going gray
  174. Going bald

    Adieu, mon ami.

  175. Forgetting to put the trash out for pickup
  176. Loose meat sandwiches
  177. Velveeta
  178. Banana-flavored candy
  179. Playing Monopoly with your significant other
    Monopoly stabbing

    I maintain that Free Parking money is a thing. Come at me, bro.

  180. 84% of all movie sequels
  181. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney (seriously, wtf Paul)
  182. Office coffee
  183. Birds as mascots  
    Big Bird

    Herky on a good day.

  184. Accidentally baking a cake with salt instead of sugar
  185. Telemarketers
  186. Running out of gas
  187. Dusting
  188. Manspreading

    Nobody likes you, sir.

  189. IKEA on a Saturday afternoon
  190. People who insist on taking up two (or more!) parking stalls
    Parking fail

    Looks like someone bought a little more truck than he could handle...

  191. Forgetting to water your plants
  192. Morning people
  193. Unruly children in public places
  194. Those bumper stickers dumb people have with Calvin peeing on some corporate logo
  195. Pete Mote
  196. This list