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- Splinters
- Spilled milk
- Lost luggage
- Nickelback (yes, Iowa, you are worse than Nickelback. Let that marinate for awhile.)
If Iowa was a hair situation, it would definitely be whatever is happening on Chad Kroeger's head and face.
- Post-game traffic
- Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor
Mmmm douche fumes.
- Stepping on earthworms after it rains
- Losing to Purdue
- Hail
- Spilling food on yourself during a first date
- Getting a run in brand new tights
- The state of Mississippi
SEC! SEC! SEC!
- Cavities
- Stubbing your toe
- Mosquitos (Iowa is, admittedly, close to being the preferable of the two on this one, so, uh, yay Hawkeyes?)
- New Coke
- Sugar-free candy
Let's send some of these to Putin.
- Jeepers Creepers 2
- The Jonas Brothers
Wow, I somehow made them worse.
- Road construction
- Delayed flights
- Blind dates
- Ingrown toenails
- Jar Jar Binks
- Facial waxing
This isn't even the terrible part.
- Hitting all the red lights
- The kid who pushed all of the elevator buttons
- Modern art
Modern Art: Great Con, or Greatest Con?
- The word "moist"
- Chicago O’Hare
- Disney World in July
Taken either at Disneyland, or maybe among a group of Hawkeyes immediately after the last Rose Bowl.
- Dersh
- Buick’s commercials
- Hangnails
- Tammy II
Poor Ron.
- Reading Derrida
- Scooping a litter box
- Guy Fieri (Like Nickelback, I don’t say this lightly, but so that Iowegians may fully understand the gravity of their situation.) GUY FREAKING FIERI.
Working theory: he has Hawkeyes on his belly with FLAMES. FOSHO! FLAVOR TOWN!
- Unripe avocados
- Flo from Progressive
- Spam (electronic)
- SPAM (square meat)
- Those few months where Draft Kings et. al. were legal and ubiquitous
- Bran-based food
- Any episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Wow, can we start canonization early?
- Televised fishing
- Pimples
- Couples who run their names together, ie: Brangelina, Bennifer
Responsible both for the name mashup phenomenon AND Gigli, Bennifer the First has a lot to answer for.
- Sunburns (Pro tip: Do NOT Google image search sunburns)
- Losing your keys
- Any Alvin and the Chipmunks movie
- The Friday music video
- Seasonal allergies
- February
- Rachael Ray’s pet food brand being named "Nutrish"
Okay, but my dog doesn't even like peas, so go away, Rachael Ray. Also, I'm not sure it was strictly necessary to label the dish "Dish."
- Rachael Ray, celebrity chef for humans, having a pet food brand
- Rachael Ray
- Wearing thong underwear with jeans
- Landing an apartment next to THOSE neighbors
- Being on an elevator when someone farts
Instant access to images like this totally validates the existence of the internet.
- Illinois
- 100-degree heat
- Sour milk
We've all lived this dream.
- Political ads—commercials, robocalls, mailers…all of it
- Parking tickets
- Millennials
Ugh.
- Baby boomers
Ugh.
- Skunk scent
- The last few seasons of The Office
- Uggs
- Baby names made up entirely of gratuitous y’s and random syllables in a misguided quest for uniqueness
What did the letter "y" ever do to this woman?
- Commercials telling you to "Hurry!"
- Mildew
- Bad hair days
- Burned toast
Add a little Nutella, it's fine.
- Yugos
- Flat soft drinks
- Realizing you’ve unknowingly had something in your teeth all day
The natural follow-up to "women eating salad and laughing." Thanks Internet!
- Flip-flop blisters
- Head colds
- Rain on your wedding day
See also: Ride, free, when you've already paid. Advice, good, that you just didn't take.
- Speeding tickets
- Not being able to guess your own passwords
- Computer freezes
- Screaming babies on airplanes
- Pennies
Like rabbits, they multiply effortlessly.
- Women who shop at Lululemon
- Lindsay Lohan’s current career
- Wet dog smell
- Doing laundry
Won't someone get this woman some detergent pods and save her from herself!?
- The Rose Bowl lol
- Getting pepper in your nose
- Slicing onions
- Pauly Shore
- Grown men who go by "Pauly"
Noted Rutgers fan Pauly D.
- Cleaning gutters
- Removing painter’s tape and taking your freshly finished paint with it
- Kale (vegetable)
- Kale (child’s name)
- Oversleeping for work
It's o'shit o'clock!
- Getting braces
- Papercuts
- Co-workers who trim their nails at their desks
- Real Housewives of Wherever
This one might actually have some potential.
- Gum on the sidewalk
- The existence of an Angry Birds movie
- Chatty strangers on planes
- Cutting the side of your mouth on Flavor-Ices
How casually these two flirt with danger.
- Iowa State
- People who don’t use their turn signals
- Watching Frozen for the 34,235,493rd time because your five-year-old is addicted to it
Remember those halcyon days when you didn't know verbatim the story of two estranged sisters overcoming their differences?
- Your remote control running out of batteries
- Judge-y moms
- Bad pizza. (It’s just such a waste.)
- Bathroom scales
- Sleet
- Finding yourself in the slowest checkout lane
All the People magazines in the world can't save you.
- People who stand right by the entrance of the building and smoke
- People who stop just inside of a building entrance, impeding everyone else
- When your hands dry out in the winter
- Rompers for grown women
For those occasions when you want to look like a toddler AND fully undress before you can pee.
- Sweat behind your knees
- The way they ended How I Met Your Mother
- People who call casseroles "hot dish"
- Runza deniers
- Your co-worker who microwaves fish in the break room
- Hangovers
- Getting water up your nose when swimming
- Stepping on Legos in bare feet
Was this discussed at the Geneva Convention? Shouldn't it have been?
- Dog farts
- Airport seating
- Houston
- Cleaning the refrigerator
- Kenny G
Hey boo.
- Split ends
- Old mattresses
- Undercooked pasta
- Forgetting to return a library book for…awhile
- Shaving mishaps
Pictured: Iowa fan on a Friday night.
- Dead phone batteries
- 65 mph speed limits on interstates
- Snails crawling out of your mouth (h/t April Ludgate-Dwyer)
- Doctors’ waiting rooms
- Heartburn
- All that Gladware but never being able to find the right lid
- Wheel of Fortune
- Bird poop on the windshield
- People who abuse the "Reply All" feature on emails
- Frat bros
Please go away.
- Those SPCA commercials with the sad dogs and Sarah McLaughlin
- Any photos of yourself from ages 11-17 or so
With those socks, how could he not?
- Bee stings
- Flying in the middle seat
- Losing on a Hail Mary
For you, MNW, as always. :)
- Losing because your punter drops the ball and the other team runs it back as time expires
Man, that would suck.
- Your terrible aunt who makes everyone unhappy at Thanksgiving
- Getting corn stuck in your teeth
- Loud cubicle neighbors
- This trophy
Iowa gonna Iowa.
- Running out of hot water in the shower
- The second Harry Potter movie
- Portable toilets on a hot day
At least the fourth time on this list I've been glad I can't smell through the screen.
- Meetings that should have been emails
- Going to the dentist
- Removing band-aids
- When you notice the empty toilet paper roll too late
Probably kill the guy who used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll?
- Pennsylvania’s liquor laws
- One red sock in a load of whites
- Unnecessarily animated gifs
Whoever made this, you should be ashamed.
- Mark May
- Snagging your favorite sweater
- Applebee’s
- Going gray
- Going bald
Adieu, mon ami.
- Forgetting to put the trash out for pickup
- Loose meat sandwiches
- Velveeta
- Banana-flavored candy
- Playing Monopoly with your significant other
I maintain that Free Parking money is a thing. Come at me, bro.
- 84% of all movie sequels
- "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney (seriously, wtf Paul)
- Office coffee
- Birds as mascots
Herky on a good day.
- Accidentally baking a cake with salt instead of sugar
- Telemarketers
- Running out of gas
- Dusting
- Manspreading
Nobody likes you, sir.
- IKEA on a Saturday afternoon
- People who insist on taking up two (or more!) parking stalls
Looks like someone bought a little more truck than he could handle...
- Forgetting to water your plants
- Morning people
- Unruly children in public places
- Those bumper stickers dumb people have with Calvin peeing on some corporate logo
- Pete Mote
- This list