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SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA: BOWLING GREEN FALCONS

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Yet another insurrection that must be put down

Welcome back to SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA, where I, General Sherman, shall bring war to the enemies of the Big Ten Conference until they beg for mercy that they shall not receive. Though my latest activities have been in southern territory, the upcoming football season has brought to my attention an uprising within our very borders.

The MAC is a perfectly fine little conference to be used as a stepping stone to greater things, but in claiming victory over two of the worst Big Ten teams of 2015 in Maryland and Purdue, the Bowling Green Falcons went too far and must now answer to ME.

Stepping stone? Why yes, so much so that head coach Dino Babers bolted for Syracuse after two years. Upstate New York was a better destination. What was it that made him want to leave? Was it the barftacular orange and brown color scheme? Was it the fact that nobody knows whether Bowling Green State refers to the city by that name in Kentucky or the one in Ohio? Was it his desire to no longer live in a suburb of Toledo, which itself is basically a suburb of Detroit?

No, it was the cold hard truth that at Bowling Green State, he could never achieve anything beyond being the tallest midget because that is the destiny of all these upstart MAC teams. The most prominent Bowling Green alumnus in the NFL is journeyman kicker Shaun Suisham. That's the level of significance we're working with here. New coach Matt Jinks excites nobody beyond Velma. That's actually his name, by the way. Doyt Perry Stadium is named for someone called Doyt. WHAT IS A DOYT?

Your punishment for leaving the reservation and besmirching the name of the Big Ten Conference with two MACrifices last year is to face the Ohio State Buckeyes on Saturday to kick off the season. WE'LL SEE JUST HOW BIG YOU TALK AFTER MY MOST TALENTED REGIMENT GRINDS YOU INTO THE TURF AND SENDS YOUR CONTINGENT OF UNDERACHIEVERS, MOST OF WHICH ARE PROBABLY OF SUBPAR ATTRACTIVENESS, HOME TO THE SUBURBS OF TOLEDO IN TEARS.

Bowling Green's next B1G matchup: Saturday at HIGH NOON (Eastern) against Ohio State