It’s Friday. Truth be told, I’m pretty ambivalent toward Michigan State, considering my feelings for other, actually objectively terrible schools like Iowa and Wisconsin. But tradition is tradition, and since I neither know nor care what happened with the original hate piece, Sparty fans, why don’t you come in and sit down.
Here, pick one.
Now you might be thinking, MNW, that’s strange, because that’s the team on the other side of the state whose fans shop at Wal-Mart. And to that I say sorry, but I fear my computer screen would burst into flames if I went to K-Mart.com or DollarGeneral.com, where most of your fans likely actually shop.
You see, Sparty, while your Wal-Mart Wolverine jokes are adorable, they’re all you’ve got. We don’t remember you for Rose Bowls or that Duffy dude, we remember you for 38-0. For Johnelle. For that other shitty coach who came after Saban.
And that’s just it. Everyone not found in the shithole that is Michigan’s pinky and ring finger is ready to forget about you all over again. Your chips, your nice work release program for 18-22 year-old deliquents, right down to your Phoenix Suns-coach-turned-Sam the Eagle.
Now we’ve got our excuse. Whether he wins or loses, HARBAUGH is swooping right back in and stealing your headlines. URBZ will get right back to stealing your ‘croots and actually winning things in the post-season. Penn State will still be more of a hashtag brand, even as James Franklin runs it into the ground. Nebraska will still have your number because you can’t stop forcing receivers out of bounds.
And as a Northwestern fan, I love it. I love every last minute of it, even if my team wallows in mediocrity. Because at the end of the day, when you thump your chest about another SUPER AWESOME LEADER at QB who is actually just a 22 year-old embodiment of the petulant old man coaching your team, you’ll return to your K-Mart chair and your little brother life and talk about beating Michigan.
Because that’s just it: Your success will perpetually be defined by Michigan’s relevance—note that I said relevance, not even success—because not only is that how the world defines you, that’s how you define yourselves.
Go ahead, put on tinfoil hats and complain about the Big Ten and conspiracies. Post your 5-game win streaks or argue that it was the brilliance of Dantonio that led Blake O’Neill to bobble that snap (it wasn’t, and you’re an idiot for thinking it was). At the end of the day you know, in your heart of hearts, that even at your most relevant you were still defined by the 4-8 relic of a program just 65 miles away.
Today in the Fanshots, GF3 provided this, and I think it’s pretty accurate:
MSU Hate, Succinctly
1. You aren’t an elite program and never will be.
2. Your greatest seasons still end in abject embarrassment.
3. You hustle for OSU’s table scraps.
4. Connor Cook ... has no leadership ability.
5. The Nebraska receiver got forced out.
6. PSU makes better ice cream.
The end. Fuck you MSU.
Even when you were winning, you were little brother. Now it’s so much greater than that—we can go back to forgetting you were even there, too. The mass exodus from OTE once Sparty goes 8-4 will no doubt help; if one loss to Alabama caused one, I can’t wait to see what returning to irrelevance does. Goodbye, knockoff Michigan. Good riddance.