It’s time for the annual Closing Arguments series here on Off Tackle Empire. Back in the olden days, when this site was called Rivalry Esq, only lawyers were allowed to write on it. That’s why our preview series is courtroom-themed; lawyers don’t know how to discuss things without relating it to their boring jobs.

Anyway, another annual tradition is starting out the Closing Arguments with Purdue, since the Boilers are perpetually the last place team in the B1G. Since I am a Purdue fan, do not expect an exciting article. Expect sadness (lots of it).

I. Case History / Opening Statement

A. Case History

The Darrell Hazell Era at Purdue has not been a success. In three years, Purdue has notched two conference wins, three wins over FCS teams, and one win over a non-conference FBS team. A total record of 6-30! Not good.

After the overachieving 2014 team managed to pull off a dazzling 3-9 record, the 2015 squad fell back to earth and ended up 2-10. The two wins were against FCS Indiana State and Nebraska (which is pretty much an FCS team).

B. Opening Statement

They say that bad things happen in threes. Well, for the third straight year, a new starting QB was inserted midseason. And for the third straight year, some things worked a little better offensively for a short time after the change, and then cratered again. And for the third straight year, I did not go into any Big Ten Saturday expecting Purdue to even do so well as lose a close game.

So, if bad things happen in threes, then the bad things are over, right? Is that what you think, members of this fake jury?

Well, the offense has been awful for three years. There is a new offensive coordinator this year, after the much maligned John Shoop was let go. There are also new co-defensive coordinators.

And for the third straight season, the QB who ended last season as a starter is back. Will David Blough be replaced midway through 2016 by Elijah Sindelar?

I’m not going to waste too much of your time talking about specific players, because you probably don’t care. The exception is Markell Jones, who had a solid freshman season as a running back.

II. Discovery

A. What We’ve Written About Purdue This Offseason

Cocktail Party Preview

Personnel Files

Rating Purdue Traditions

Purdue Will Field a Football Team in 2016 (Bill Connelly article)

B. What We Can Learn From Pop Culture

Michael Jackson’s Hair Catching on Fire During Pepsi Commercial Filming

Presented without extra comment.

III. Emotional Plea

Bad things happen in threes. Purdue has had three abysmal seasons. So will 2016 be mediocre?

Man, I hope so. A nice 5-7 season would be like winning the Rose Bowl at this point. I don’t see it happening though. Anybody who does might need to get their head examined.

IV. The Verdict

Here are the predictions of the all-knowing OTE “writers”: