Harbaugh Denies Hawaii Entry to Visitors Locker Room (Satire)

Only a day after it was revealed that University of Michigan Head Coach Jim Harbaugh had refused to provide the University of Hawaii coaching staff with any scrimmage tape of his team, the eccentric head man at Michigan has upped the ante by denying Hawaii use of the visitors locker room until 15 minutes before game time.

“These guys are used to being on the road” Harbaugh was quoted as saying. “They live on an island like a Swiss family. They’re resilient. They have foldable tiki huts they bring on the road. Very very smart people. The best.”

Asked for to give a reason for barring his opponent until hours before the game, Harbaugh deflected. When pressed by reporters on the subject he became visibly angry and threatened to end the press conference, clearly upset by queries from reporters that went beyond his favorite Drake album or which Olympic swimmer he’d most like to arm wrestle.

Following a question from an unnamed AP correspondent as to whether the choice had anything to do with ensuring he didn’t start 0-1 for his second year in a row at Michigan, he sailed clipboard across the room and stormed out. Sources say they heard him muttering words to the effect of “No Mormon tricksies on Jim Harbaugh again.”

When reached for comment, interim Hawaii head coach Chris Naeole responded with a shrug. “Yes, Hawaii has a large mormon population, it’s true. But he seems really wrapped around the axle about it. He’s really fixated on it, like he suffered some major trauma in the past. You have to feel for the guy. He may need to get some sun...for his health, I mean. Very, very pale.”

Asked if being barred from the locker room would affect his team’s chances, Naeole was confident it would not. “Look, we played Cal last week in a shootout and lost. This week we get to try again against another yellow and blue team, but this one doesn’t have a quarterback. We’re pretty excited at the opportunity. “Plus,” he added, “we get to see Detroit.”

Naeole and his wife have a taste for dystopian tourism, a bug he first caught as a player for the New Orleans Saints.

“Last week, the Australians were surprised we didn’t get to the game in dugout canoes, and that our cheerleaders weren’t hula dancers. We’re used to the stereotypes and what-not,” the cheerful coach opined.

Harbaugh’s decision to lock the Warriors out of the visiting locker room comes on the heels of his staunch refusal to abide by every coaching norm and provide game tape to your opponent as a show of sportsmanship.

Naeole shrugged again. “We know they’ve got that Peppers kid who’s a preseason All-American at about four different positions, so we’ll watch out for that. We know he gets around...the field, I mean.”

As for his team’s friday warm-up practice, Coach Naeole has a plan. “We’ll just pitch the tiki huts in a Walmart parking lot. At least we’ll meet some of their fans that way.”

Michigan hosts Hawaii at 12:00 EDT on Saturday.

This article is satire, but the fact that you wondered has to tell you something.