THE LSU TIGERS ARE UNWORTHY TO ENTER B1G COUNTRY: SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA

Having had to deal with an insurrection within the borders of my empire emanating from Bowling Green, Kentucky Ohio, a much more imminent and significant threat was called to my attention.

I picked up some brews from Great Lakes, stormed through Kentucky, acquired much whiskey and drove my troops to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, home of the very same LSU Tigers who plan to oppose my Wisconsin Badgers regiment.

Let it be known that my armies are undefeated in this city. The cowardly Confederates abandoned the Red Stick, fearing the wrath of the Union back in April of 1862, but would later launch a failed offensive to retake it.

But enough about the glory of the Union armies. Let's talk about the fact that you tried to get rid of Les Miles, the only coach to win 100+ games and a national championship at LSU. Those involved in the halftime meeting of the Texas A&M game said the decision was made due to "a combination of reasons and factors," mostly stemming from Jimbo Fisher's desire to remain at Florida State.

On one hand, there's plenty of reasons to think the grass-chewing, hard-clapping weirdo should be sent packing. There's his fairly amazing clock management skills, displayed below in the time he wasted 17 of the last 24 seconds before signaling in to spike the ball with one second remaining, ending the game, and then claiming he had no idea who sent in that signal.

Which seems strange, but for Miles, it was just another Saturday.

Then there's the more glaring weakness, which is that somehow, in the middle of recruiting entire teams full of future NFL stars, he could not dredge up a quarterback. The lone exception was Matt Flynn, quarterback of the 2007 national championship team. He made a ton of money by lighting up a bad Detroit Lions secondary for one game in 2011. He'd be far and away the best they'd get.

Flynn's predecessor was JaMarcus Russell, the greatest NFL draft bust in history by a wide margin. Pushing 300lb as a quarterback is likeable when you're Jared Lorenzen (The Pillsbury Throwboy) and the expectations are low. JaMarcus Hustle, however, was taken #1 overall because the level of talent around him at LSU made him look so good that purple drank barely seemed to hold him back.

Then there was Ryan Perrilloux, who upon signing with LSU held a press conference declaring himself LSU's starting quarterback over "JaMarcus who?" and predicting a Heisman as a true freshman. How he planned to win the Heisman while redshirting I'll never know, but in 2007, he overcame being named a "person of interest" in a federal investigation to start the SEC championship game, leading an NFL squad to a seven-point win over one of the worst Tennessee Volunteers squads Phil Fulmer ever put together. This would be his only start, as he'd be kicked off the team in the offseason.

After Andrew Hatch suffered every imaginable injury in three starts, the famous two-headed monster of Jordan Jefferson and Jarrett Lee emerged. Lee was the statuesque quarterback Miles sent in when he wanted to throw from the pocket. Jefferson was the mobile quarterback he'd send in when he wanted 2 or fewer yards on an option run play. Even with this patchwork system at quarterback, the 2011 squad was so talented it went to the BCS title game.

Seriously, ONE QUARTERBACK WAS ALL IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN.

Zach Mettenberger was an admirable facsimile of a quarterback (though throwing to Odell Beckham didn't hurt) but then upon finding the NFL managed to get into a beef with J.J. Watt.

AND YET!

None of these are good enough excuses for LSU to fire a coach who's kept them at or near the top of college football for over ten years. They were almost that stupid, but they ran up against the limits of human stupidity. Miles would have found employment within hours after he was fired. Hell, our own Michigan Wolverines spent many years with a crush on Miles full of twists and turns worthy of a soap opera.

Somehow, an intelligent person entered that halftime meeting. Your savior must not have been descended from any of the folks who built a capitol city in a remarkably flood-prone area, because the next move by LSU was to attempt to poach the secrets of Wisconsin's defensive prowess by throwing cash at Dave Aranda.

REST ASSURED THAT THE TRAITOR ARANDA COULD NOT STOP THE WISCONSIN BADGERS EVEN IF 5-YARD INCREMENTS WERE NUMBERED AT LAMBEAU TO HELP OUT TEAMS THAT CAN'T TELL WHERE THOSE 5-YARD-LINES ARE. ONLY ONE TEAM IN THE COUNTRY NEEDS THAT. NOTICE THAT THERE'S NO "X" ON THE END OF LAMBEAU. GEAUX GO TO HELL. YOU'LL FIND NO BAYOUS, SWAMP FOLKS, VARMINTS OR OIL SPILL FALLOUT IN MY TERRITORY, JUST THE INDOMITABLE SPIRIT OF GOD'S COUNTRY AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. BURN, TRAITORS.

LSU's Next Big Ten Matchup: This Saturday at 2:30 Central against Wisconsin