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A Rival for Penn State

By ZuzuRU
Who should it be?

Onward State, Penn State’s famed student-run site that always publishes super quality, non-pretentious content, recently published this article saying that Pitt should not be Penn State’s rival and that Penn State deserves better. This article comes during the week leading up to what is most definitely being promulgated as a rivalry game between Penn State and Pitt at "the best ketchup brand" Field. To only the ignorant person does it makes sense that Penn State and Pitt should be rivals. The provided reasons for this contrived rivalry include, but are not limited to, both programs competing for the same recruits in the same recruiting grounds, being located in Pennsylvania, having an overall competitive history, a Wikipedia page dedicated to the “rivalry,” and that a neighborhood block in Pennsylvania could very readily have PSU and Pitt flags opposing each other. These are dumb reasons, however, for Pitt has not been touched by the gods the way Penn State has, so they could not possibly be actual rivals.

Penn State claims to be #Unrivaled, but it is theorized by top college football scientists that, to a Penn Stater, the word “unrivaled” simply means, “we want a rival, but a good (as determined by us) rival.” The language of the residents of Happy Valley is truly something to behold. I will utilize the remainder of this article to propose possible rivals for the Big Ten’s acclaimed eleventh member, Penn State.

List of Rivals for Penn State

  1. Nebraska. Both are non-original Big Ten members and neither has been relevant since the 1990’s, so I think Penn State could really appreciate having a rivalry with a team that they share some similarities with.
  2. Alabama. Cross conference, and I know Nick Saban sees Penn State as an equal and vice versa.
  3. Harvard. Penn State will probably concede that Harvard is at most on the same academic tier as they, so it could make for an interestingly well-rounded rivalry.
  4. Denver Broncos. The 2016 Super Bowl champs are probably good enough for Penn State.
  5. The Chicago Bears. They are apparently the winningest team in the NFL. 741 winning seasons. Surely they are worthy of being Penn State’s esteemed rival.
  6. Dallas Cowboys. After all, they are God’s Favorite Football Team!
  7. Barcelona. They’re both called football, right? Barcelona is the best in the world at the other type of football. Definitely Penn State worthy.
  8. Serena Williams. Completely different and solo sport? Who cares! Serena is definitely Penn State rival material.
  9. Pittsburgh Penguins. A different, better Pittsburgh team and 2016 Stanley Cup Champs.
  10. Cleveland Cavaliers
  11. Katie Ledecky
  12. Simone Biles
  13. Bulgarian Quidditch Team
  14. Galactic Empire
  15. Eleven from Stranger Things
  16. The Apes from Planet of the Apes
  17. Happy Gilmore
  18. New York Philharmonic
  19. Team Avatar
  20. Skeletor
  21. A T-Rex
  22. The Secret Service
  23. Starfleet
  24. The shark from Jaws
  25. Smaug
  26. Xenomorph(s)
  27. Average Joe’s
  28. Bowser and Koopas
  29. Aerosmith
  30. Nessie
  31. Team Valor
  32. The Night’s Watch
  33. Blue Eyes White Dragon
  34. A Jaeger from Pacific Rim
  35. Four Meta Knights
  36. King Hippo
  37. Mewtwo
  38. The Avengers
  39. The DHARMA Initiative
  40. Cowboys from Little Giants
  41. Hal 3000
  42. Optimus Prime
  43. The Others/Hostiles
  44. Ash’s Pikachu
  45. King Kong
  46. Michael Scott Paper Company
  47. Batman
  48. Godzilla
  49. Krakatoa
  50. Baylor. For no other reason than the fact that White and Blue just look so darn good against Green and Gold.

So, what are your thoughts on who should be Penn State’s rival? Leave a suggestion in the comments!