A Totally Serious List of Possible Replacements for Greg Davis

Yesterday afternoon Iowa’s athletic department released a statement announcing that offensive coordinator Greg Davis was retiring, effective immediately. Kirk Ferentz will speak more on the matter at his press conference on Monday, but right now we don’t know much about who Davis’ possible replacement would be.

Iowa has had enough trouble hanging on to recruits this year, and with national signing day less than a month away, Ferentz needs to replace Davis quickly or risk missing out on more players due to uncertainty.

There are going to be a lot of rumors and speculation about the new offensive coordinator, so we’ve thrown together a brief list of possible new hires to help you keep track.

Brian Ferentz

Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Pros

• Was mentored by Bill Belichick, just like coaching greats Eric Mangini, Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis
• Would probably fire Bobby Kennedy, aka “The Greg Davis of Positional Coaches”
• Is already coaching football at Iowa, so Kirk wouldn’t have to conduct a coaching search, interview people, pick one, show them where Pancheros is, tell them the rules, show them the facilities or any of that other exhausting stuff that is part of his $4.5 million/year job description
• Nepotism jokes could take some of the heat off of the contract extension jokes
• Was Rob Gronkowski’s tight end coach at New England

Cons

• Was also Aaron Hernandez’s tight end coach
• Has been extremely successful as Iowa’s run game coordinator the last 2 seasons, which probably makes him a bit too flashy to lead Iowa’s offense
• Will insist on throwing the ball past the first down line on third down, and I’m not sure our brains can process that after all these years
• Not sure we really need Anthony Becht and Beth Mowins talking about the “football-vs-family” aspect of Brian and Kirk’s relationship for 30 minutes in each of the 7 Iowa games they do commentary for every year

Al Borges

Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images

Pros

• Helped make Michigan football hilarious and adorably bad for a while instead of the perpetually overrated maelstrom of pompousness we’re all accustomed to
• Somehow made a name for himself as a master of quarterback development despite having mentored Matt LoVecchio, Denard Robinson and Devin Gardner
• Has a killer recipe for Eggs Benedict

Cons

• Famously spoiled the Red Wedding from Game of Thrones in a team meeting
• Has already demonstrated an inability to win games in Kinnick Stadium
• Was basically Greg Davis before Greg Davis was Greg Davis

Elvis Coachman

Pros

• Impressive resume boasts of a Harvard education, multiple Superbowl wins, a former career as a studio guitarist for Rush, and many impressive sexual conquests
• Claims the idea for the Big Mouth Billy Bass was stolen from him by a former colleague
• Drives a sweet Camaro
• Casually dropped the fact that he has a pilot’s license while telling a story about a golf trip he went on
• Owns every season of Airwolf on DVD

Cons

• Upon closer inspection...yep that’s definitely just Tim Brewster with a mustache

Chip Kelly

Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Pros

• Somehow made Nick Foles look like a serviceable quarterback
• Iowa doesn’t have a “visor guy” on their coaching staff yet
• His teams actually showed up in the Rose Bowl

Cons

• Has been known to park in handicap spots
• Possibly a racist
• How would Kirk Ferentz find the time to punt the ball when his team is scoring so many touchdowns?

Ian Clarksdale

Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Pros

• Won a national championship both as a player and later as an assistant coach
• Proven to be one of the greatest offensive minds of our time
• Played in 2 Super Bowls, demonstrating a winning mentality
• Ability as a quarterback guru and elite recruiter could add some much needed firepower to Iowa’s offense
• Was granted 3 wishes by Les Miles after saving his life on a fishing trip in Ontario
• Terry Bradshaw once called Ian “The sexiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on” while drunk at a Christmas party
• His wife is from Iowa, making him a perfect target for Kirk Ferentz

Cons

• I made him up on the spot. Shame on you for pretending to know who I was talking about. Think for yourself, you sheep

Cuisinart Leverless 4-slice toaster

Pros

• 3 year warranty
• Bagel setting only toasts on one side
• Sleek, modern design with LCD display
• Can also be used with waffles, Pop Tarts, Toaster Strudel, English muffins and a variety of other breakfast items
• Literally incapable of being a worse offensive coordinator than Greg Davis was

Cons

• No slot for cooking hot dogs