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Creighton’s Wife Previews the National Championship Game

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Creighton didn’t have time to preview tonight’s championship game, so he outsourced it

CFP National Championship Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Hello everyone. We’ve got a very special guest commentator today. My wife, who we’ll call C.W. (Creighton’s Wife) for short, knows nothing about football, or really any sport for that matter. She prefers more useful pursuits than eating chicken wings and drunkenly screaming at the TV all night. I do the nerd stuff and the sports and she's the smart one and the academic who does things that are actually useful. It works.

If we've learned anything in the last year it's that knowing absolutely nothing about a topic doesn't disqualify you from giving expert opinions on the matter loudly on television or the internet, and so I've asked C.W. to give a few thoughts on tonight's championship game. Please enjoy, because after this I’m pretty sure my punishment will be having to hang out with her peers and give my opinions on Dostoyevsky in a similar manner.

C.W.’s Championship Preview

Tonight's big game is between the Alabama team and the Clemson Orange Tigers. It is going to be the last time I'll have to watch football until August except for the Super Bowl. I thought the big game this year was the Outback Steak Bowl that Iowa played. After that game Creighton was mad all week until a coach named Greg who isn't the main football coach quit. But I digress.

The Alabama team was very good this year. They won every game they played by a lot of points. The notes Creighton gave me say the Alabama team's coach is "A very tiny, very unhappy little dude who couldn't hack it in the NFL" named Nick Saban.

The University of Alabama is very good at playing defense. They don’t let the other teams make very many touchdowns or field goals. Additionally, they score a lot of points by doing turnovers, which is when they make an interception on the ball or when the other team does a fumble, but doesn’t pick the ball back up.

In the last game Alabama beat the University of Washington football team, so now they get to play in the championship football game against Clemson.

The Clemson University Orange Tigers are in South Carolina. They play in the ACC conference, which is different from where Alabama plays. They also won a lot of games, but they lost one to the Pittsburgh. Most people thought it was funny that Pittsburgh beat Clemson University, but Penn State University fans thought it meant that their team was really good somehow.

Clemson University’s best player is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson is very good at playing quarterback, which is the player that throws the ball to the wide receivers. Quarterbacks don’t usually run with the football, but sometimes Deshaun Watson does and this makes him hard to play defense against. His major is Communications Studies, but he will probably play in the NFL so that isn’t very important.

Clemson University’s main football coach goes by “Dabo” even though his Wikipedia page says his name is “William”. Creighton thinks this is stupid and it makes him hate the Clemson Orange Tiger team, but I don’t really understand why. Sports are weird.

Most people think the Alabama team will win the game because all of their players are better and they win the championship most years. The people who think Clemson will win probably think the quarterback Deshaun Watson will be really good passing the ball to the receivers. He will have to play a good game because the Alabama team has really good defense players, so they are very hard to score touchdowns on when the halfback runs the ball.

My prediction: the Alabama team will score 30 points and beat the Clemson Orange Tigers who only score 22 points. Alabama might not do a lot of points on offense because the main coach Nick Saban got mad and kicked their offense coach Joey Freshwater off the team, but the defense will be very hard to play against. Deshaun Watson is a good quarterback, but the Alabama team does really good defense and there are 11 Alabama defense people for every 1 Deshaun Watson.

Sports are kind of dumb and you all need a better hobby than watching other people exercise all day. Did I write enough yet?