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Sunday Morning Coming Down

Iowa’s Re-Entry

Iowa v Wisconsin Photo by Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Ten B1G Things

  1. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Iowa’a offense scores points
  2. Just like that, the Iowa woodwork fills right back up.
  3. Kevin Wilson would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers as he recovered from his bout with amnesia. He now remembers the existence of his running backs.
  4. Mike Weber would also like you to know that the reports of Mike Weber’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.
  5. Hope Sparty got a good windmill in after that big scoring play.
  6. Trace McSorley set the PSU all-time TD record against Rutgers this week.
  7. The PSU dairy store is now selling milk cartons with pictures of Saquon Barkley’s Heisman campaign on it.
  8. Congrats to Mike Riley and Bob Diaco for making Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska album the second-most depressing ensemble performance to bear the name of the Cornhusker state.
  9. Rodney Smith’s opening kickoff return was the first Gopher opening kickoff TD in nearly 20 years. Twenty. Years.
  10. Minnesota hasn’t scored 54 points in football since they hung 63 on Indiana 11 years ago. B1G Least, amirite?
  11. Maryland Quarterback has now replaced crab fisherman on the list of most dangerous jobs.
  12. Harbaugh is trying to go through QBs just as fast. Perhaps his brother-in-law can give him some pointers on how to open up space on the roster for new potential...
  13. First B1G win for the Hoosiers!
  14. So, the B1G is getting left out of the playoffs, right?

The Rundown

Iowa at Wisconsin | Stanley lays a steamer, Wisconsin rolls 38-14

Iowa is consistent proof that reversion to the mean is a real phenomenon. To wit, Nate Stanley threw for 41 yards on 8 completions. Iowa ran for 60 sack-adjusted yards. Wisconsin did whatever they felt like, rushing for nearly 250 and throwing for 135. The Badgers won by three-and-a-half TDs after giving the ball away 4 times to the tune of 14 automatic points. Go Iowa Awesome, indeed. Ferentz just got offered another $10 million and some Papa John’s.

Creighton: I don't have anything insightful to add. Iowa played pretty well on defense. The offense had the worst game all year, which is saying a lot. Kinnick Hawkeyes and Away Game Hawkeyes are two completely different teams. Props to the Badgers for being able to dictate the entire game when Iowa had the ball. The only silver lining is that Iowa didn't have to take home the False Idol Trophy.

Stewmonkey: Not just the worst game all year, that was the worst offensive performance under Ferentz, period. That year the went 1-10? Yeah, they never had a game this bad on offense. That's a damn low bar. This a week after dropping a double nickel on Ohio State.

Josh Jackson is amazing.

Fuck wisconsin. They're still clownfraud trash.

Speth: Hornibrook is terrible but we have the best defense in the country. 10-0.

Michigan State at Ohio State | Sparty skulldragged through Oval, 48-3

Well, that was interesting. MSU was who we thought they were, and OSU didn’t let them off the hook. Rather, OSU slammed Sparty’s eye sockets into the hook repeatedly, stole their wallet, and left them behind an Arby’s on Olentangy River Road. MSU looked every bit as bad this week as OSU did last week. Well, that’s not totally true. OSU scored touchdowns last week. Sparty looked every bit as bad this week as Rutgers did this week. Well, that’s not true either. Rutgers scored two field goals. Perhaps 30 yards out of LJ Scott and 16 yards out of Madre London and a lone offensive field goal is its own kind of B1G bad?

Alvin-Simon Theodoreski: Ehhhhh welp, that was over quickly at least. Nothing worked for MSU against a pissed-off Buckeye squad - not on offense, not on defense, not on special teams. About all that can be said is none of MSU's remaining opponents will be anywhere near as good, and hopefully this is an experience this young team uses as motivation going forward.

GF3: Told y’all thinking that OSU would play another Iowa game was a bad bet.

Rutgers at Penn State | You know the drill, 35-6

On the plus side, Trace McSorley’s 3-TD performance means he has now surpassed some guy almost no one remembers (Daryll Clark) to secure the all-time PSU touchdown record. On the not-so-plus side, his team looked less than intimidating offensively in what we might call a “moderate flogging” of perpetual whipping boy Rutger. PSU fans will point to Ryan Bates’ injury, somewhat suspiciously, as the reason for Saquon Barkley’s 35 yards on 14 tries. Regardless, Rutger is bad and remains bad. The Knights achieved one first down in the second half—on their last drive, which ended in a turnover on downs. Vintage Rutger.

A-A-Ron Yorke: Penn State got off to a slow start to make everyone nervous and then rolled off five straight touchdowns to win handily. I’m not sure how much more there is to learn about this team in the regular season. At least we can stop with the Saquon Barkley Heisman hype, though. Maybe during the next game, James Franklin and Joe Moorhead can figure out how to get the running game going before Zombie Paterno rises up and eats their brains.

Nebraska at Minnesota | Gophers beat lifeless corpse of Tom Osborne’s creation with broken chair, 54-21

You wouldn’t think a team could score seven touchdowns against a P5 opponent without completing a TD pass, but there’s Nebraska in 2017 for you. Demry Croft set a Minnesota record for rushing yardage by a QB with 183 yards and 3 touchdowns. RB Kobe McCrary added three more. The Huskers occasionally converted a death spasm into points, thanks to Lee and Ozigbo. This one was all-RPO all-day for the Gophers, and Nebraska is just waiting to be given the Old Yeller treatment. At this point, you really have to feel bad for Mike Riley.

BRT: A very sorry performance. What more is there to say? They got their butts kicked by a bad team. This season ends, mercifully, in only two more weeks. Can't come soon enough, I'm sorry to say.

WSR: Minnesota took out some frustrations on a very lackadaisical Nebraska. The Gophs scored on 9 of 11 drives on the day, only being forced to punt once (from inside the 50, I might add B1G! B1G), and then getting stopped by the clock at the end of the game once. The defense was amazing against the run and was giving up nothing all day long, while the only bright spot for the Huskers, other than dreams of a bright future under Craig Bohl, was JD Spielman in his return to the Twin Cities. For the Gophs this just means we qualified for a bowl via being good at school if there’s a spot available and that not everything is terrible here in the retooling phase of the Fleck Era.

Minny Fratbro holds up a tallboy of Grain Belt during “The Circle of Life”.

Purdue at Northwestern | Northwestern avoids the Sindelarity, 23-13

The grass at Ryan Field is lush and long and nourished by melting snow. That just about exhausts the poetic potential of this write-up. Elijah Sindelar threw for 376 yards on 60 attempts. Sixty attempts. That’s ten sixes and that’s ridiculous. Thorson wasn’t far behind with 296 yards on 46 attempts. Northwestern led 20-0 late in the third by the time Purdue found the endzone. For a team with Sindelar at QB, that was basically an insurmountable lead. Justin Jackson the Ball Carrier™ ran for 46 yards on 25 carries, which is also bad. But, if we’ve learned anything from the erstwhile Heisman front-runner’s supporters, the blame can always be pawned off on the offensive line.

LPW: Purdue was a much improved team from last year and will cause some big teams serious problems later on. That being said, they’re not ready yet and Northwestern defeated them after a slow start and some of the godawful shitty refereeing I have ever seen. The first half took an hour and 45 minutes!!

MNW: Purdue is still shit. We knew this, and maybe Brohm will make them not losers. Kudos to NU for not just putting on airs of blowing a team out, though, and making us watch fucking hours of that horseshit football.

Meeechigan at Maryland | Harbz locks up 4th place with easy win, 35-10

Next verse, same as the first. Harbz jumps out to a 28-0 lead at the half and the Wolverines coast into another middle-of-the-pack finish for the most-winningest, most-storied, most-M Club Supports you program in college football history. Harbz’ latest QB experiment managed a 50% completion rate and two TDs. Chris Evans added two more. Maryland’s Ryan Brand—their 4th QB of the year—went 16 of 36 for 136, and didn’t come close to making a dent in the Michigan defense. D.J. Moore threw a pass, though. That was neat-o.

DJ: So, before we play, QB1, QB2, QB3, QB4 all injured. QB3 appears to be able to suit up for emergency QB but Durkin seems to have taken a page from Harbaugh and none of us know why Caleb Henderson still isn’t back or didn’t come in last week.

Indiana at Illinois | These I’s don’t have it, but IU prevails 24-14

Indiana wins

Illinois stumbles again

Both eat at Arby’s

Candystripes: I'm pretty sure this feeling is relief. Yup, definitely relief. Because honestly, of the three games that we absolutely must win to make a bowl (and not incite a surprising amount of frustration in a fanbase I wasn't totally sure was still paying attention), this was the easiest one. We should have won this one, and if we hadn't, the flames under Tom Allen's chair would have been lit. It's not the prettiest win you'll ever see, but at this point, I'd take ugly win after ugly win as long as they're actual wins. Best of luck to the Illini (and Thump's liver, whatever may remain of it) going forward; hopefully Lovie or [NEXT ILLINOIS COACH IN WAITING] can get you guys turned around here soon.

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