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SMCD // Week 12

Going Through the Motions

Michigan v Wisconsin Photo by Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Ten B1G Things

  1. Hornibrook has thrown an INT in every B1G Game.
  2. Harbaugh had better start “whispering” faster and louder.
  3. The PSU dairy can stop putting Say-Say Barkley on milk cartons...we found him.
  4. Mike Riley should’ve left an application at said dairy. Just to be safe.
  5. J.T. Barrett emerges a winner from his 300th and final game at Ohio Stadium
  6. Lovie should be able to assemble a functioning player from the remains of Chayce Crouch and Kendrick Foster.
  7. I’d say the shine is off PJ Fleck, but at the rate his hairline is fleeing his forehead he’ll be nothing but shine pretty soon. Coaching the Goophs ages a man.
  8. Minnesota hasn’t scored at Ryan Field since 2013.
  9. Nothing will ever explain how Iowa scored 55 points this season, on OSU no less.
  10. Purdue Harbor doesn’t just happen to good teams, clearly. Iowa is also eligible.
  11. A big performance raises MSU’s two week running points tally to 20...
  12. Maryland had the best passer in this game by far. Maryland. On their 83rd QB this season.
  13. Chris Ash for Coach of the Year, mostly because he finds the will to keep trying.
  14. IU’s irrational hate for Rutgers is like your one-eyed, diabetic cat hating the doormat.

The Rundown

A mercifully short SMCD for Clunker Saturday, in which only Wisconsin and Michigan was worth the opportunity cost of viewership...

Michigan at Wisconsin | 2015 Iowa Wisconsin wins 24-10

Thanks to the magic of Fox broadcasting, we all had a tree’s-eye-view of the only compelling matchup of November for the Badgers. Harbaugh, in spite of his reputation as the magic fairy-dust-sprinkler of offenses, offered a ponderous one-dimensional attack against the Badger defense. The plan...did not work. The always questionable Hornibrook was merely sub-par (an exceptional day for him), going 9/19 with and INT and one really impressive TD throw. Otherwise, this was a B1G bout for the purist in you: 20 pass completions, 77 runs, and lots of 3rd down stops. It may have even snowed a bit.

Nebraska at PSU | The Prodigal Son Returns, PSU wins 56-44

Nebraska scored 44 points. Yes, 20 came in the 4th quarter when things were long since decided, but still...44 points. Saquon Barkley unseated Lydell Mitchell to claim the all-time PSU TD record. That’s about all you need to know from this one. Oh, and Mike Riley is as dead inside as anyone in America right now.

A-A-Ron: So you're saying that if Penn State and Michigan State played in the snow instead of the rain, then Brian Lewerke would have been effectively useless? Interesting. I thought that Tanner Lee might be in for a big game against a woeful Penn State pass defense, and I was right. Fortunately, most of the damage came after Saquon Barkley, Trace McSorley, and Juwan Johnson shredded the Nebraska defense with five consecutive first-half touchdown drives. Of course, no one is going to mention that James Franklin took his foot off the gas pretty early in this one, because that wouldn't fit the fun little caricature that the media has crafted for him. That's not an excuse for the poor defense, but it is an excuse for Penn State scoring fewer than 60 points.

BRT: Well, that final score wasn't what I expected it to be at any point this week, or at halftime. I watched exactly four minutes of this game, all of them at the end, which was an excellent decision on my part, because it appears those were some of the better minutes of the game for Nebraska. As my esteemed co-writer Aaron casually mentions and is in no way making excuses for his team, PSU "could have won by more, but chose not to." This is possibly true; but, the beauty of this game is that no one outside of Pennsylvania and maybe some of Nebraska watched it, and all anyone will see is the final score, which makes it look like #10 Penn State failed to kill a very bad Nebraska team, and that's pretty funny.

Also funny, is Iowa getting Purdued at home during a season when every Big Ten East team has become a fervent believer in "Kinnick Magic." As a refresher, only two "writers" picked Purdue for this one, and it's definitely because we are both geniuses and not because we happen to hate Iowa:

Illinois at OSU | OSU wins 52-14

No need to waste electrons on this one, other than to say JT Barrett now owns the B1G passing TD record going away, and eclipsed Braxton Miller for the most rushing yards by a QB in school history.

Thump: What a pointless exercise.

GF3: Agreed.

Minnesota at Northwestern | Cats by a laughable margin, 39-0

Gophers, are you even trying at this point? I mean really. Stop rowing and start bailing.

MNW: THAT WAS FUN. A couple days after telling GoAUpher that Northwestern had yet to play a complete game in 2017, the 'Cats put together an absolute shit-kicking of a one-dimensional Gopher offense and a suspect Gopher defense, rolling up 277 yards on the ground and an efficient 83 yards passing on 9 completions for 3 TDs. Demry Croft completed 2 passes in the first 3 minutes and 3 in the next 57...the only problem was, all three of those were to Northwestern defenders (Minnesota turned it over 5 times on the day). Justin Jackson the Ball Carrier became the second rusher in Big Ten history to have four consecutive 1,000-yard rushing seasons. Clayton Thorson is poised to become NU's all time leading TD passer, with 3 of them on just 13 passes. The scrubs were in late in the 3rd and Glen Mason thanked the production crew with 12 minutes to play in the fourth.

At least Mason never lost to Northwestern by 39. Couldn't sprint from 20 to 20 at the end of the third quarter in under 6 seconds, though.

LPW: Yeah, I echo everything MNW said. This game was supremely satisfying to watch, and thank you Minnesota for the turnovers. Justin Jackson is in elite company and he has two more games to move further up the ranks. It’s fun being able to bulldoze opposing teams and establish the run and shove opposing teams off the field. Next week: :tophat::tophat::tophat::tophat::tophat:

WSR: Worst loss to Northwestern in program history. Nothing else really needs to be said because this game needs to be lost to history.

Rutgers at Indiana | Hoosiers win 41-0

Now the gang of keyboard-molestors over at Crimson Quarry can put their big-boy britches on for another year and crow about how Rutgers doesn’t deserve to be in the B1G. This was IU’s second conference win.

Candy: Last week, the feeling was relief. This week, the feeling is elation. Utter fucking elation. Indiana finally put it all together, and it was GLORIOUS. Every phase of the game went well, and even a late game lightning delay couldn't stop Indiana's offense from putting points on the board. Prepare for a stats dump: This was the first time IU pitched a shutout on Senior Day in almost 60 years, the first time IU has had two shutouts in the same season since 1993, and the first time Indiana has shut out a Big Ten team since 1993 (yes, it totally counts, shut up). Enjoying this win is going to take up most of the weekend, but there's one more thing to do, and that's defending the Bucket next week against Purdue.

Zuzu: Sangria. But we did get to see flickers of a potentially decent future pass game for Rutgers when Coach Ash put in Jonathan Lewis at QB. Enjoy the win Crimson Quarry. Congrats on being 2-2 against us, Indiana.

Purdue at Iowa | A Harbor’ing We Shall Go, 24-15

That Iowa woodwork has to be getting crowded at this point. It seems the Hawkeyes can only score with the wind at their back, but those gusts weren’t enough to help Ferentz sail out of the Harbor. Sindelar had a career day with 3 TD passes, while Stanley got sacked six (6!) times by a Purdue defense known for...well, nothing really. Savor that OSU win, Iowa. Winter has come.

Stew: Iowa's offense no-showed on senior day. The defense did well enough outside of the 3rd quarter when Purdue had the wind and simply threw wherever Josh Jackson wasn't. That simple enough strategy areas good enough to get two touchdowns which effectively put the game out of reach, because Ferentz would rather lose running outside zone to the boundary than win.

Maryland at MSU | MSU wins a stinker 17-7

Take heart, MSU. According to one commenter, your program is half the reason the B1G is so well-regarded among conferences. Maybe that takes the sting off the last two weeks? Speaking of two...Brian Lewerke completed two passes. Two. That’s like one, but twice. Two. And one was a shovel pass. Good god, man.

Antimony Kryptonski: Well, that certainly was a game. I don't know what all you cheaters are doing with this forward pass nonsense, and neither did MSU, sportingly playing with one hand behind their collective backs and ending up with a mansome 2/14, 20-yard passing line in a game they somehow nonetheless dominated. The snow globe effect in the stadium was a lot more interesting than the action on the field. And of course, MSU looks to be lining up a disastrous Holiday Bowl matchup where Mark Hollis' weather machine will have the most work to do.

Next Up:

COLUMBUS, OH - NOVEMBER 24:  Zach Boren #44 of the Ohio State Buckeyes celebrates after sacking quarterback Devin Gardner #12 of the Michigan Wolverines in the first half at Ohio Stadium on November 24, 2012 in Columbus, Ohio.  (Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images) Getty Images

And some other games too, I guess?