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SMCD // The End is Nigh

The Penultimate Week of B1G Football

NCAA Football: Ohio State at Michigan Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Ten B1G Things

1. It’s probably time to stop pretending that Andrew Luck was anything but a statistically insignificant outlier in Harbaugh’s ability to develop QBs

2. A body—minus head and hands—will be dredged from the Detroit river soon, weighed down with a camera.

3. Seriously, that JT Barrett injury saga and Urbz’ reaction are both incredibly odd.

4. Congrats to Wisconsin on the perfect B1G West season. If 2015 taught us anything, it’s that a perfect run through the B1GW is the litmus test for a great team.

5. When James Franklin gives up on your Heisman campaign, he really gives up on your Heisman campaign.

6. Maryland’s seniors gave themselves the day off in recognition of four years of hard work.

7. It’s nice to see the Nebraska program finally live up to its own billing in terms of being nice to a coach on his way out.

8. Is Nebraska still evaluating where Iowa is as a program? Asking for Shawn Eichorst.

9. Still riding that “sellout” train, eh Huskers?

10. Does Illinois even have a trophy case?

11. Indiana: an object lesson in why you don’t find your next head coach down the hall.

12. Purdue’s biggest worry is making sure the right Brohm is still there next year.

13. 3rd place is a lot better than 4th place, and definitely better than 3-9. Nice to see you back to the middle of the pack, MAMU.

14. The unflushable toilets in Rutgers’ stadium are the best possible allegory for the entire B1G’s Rutgers experience.

The Rundown

A slightly abridged-due-to-travel look at a season that ended with many a whimper...

Ohio State at Michigan | The dominance continues 31-20

Jim Harbaugh has had Alex Malzone on the roster for 3 years. He had Shane Morris for two years before he transferred to CMU and finished #2 in the MAC in passing. Yet his preferred options this year all average 100 ypg passing or less. Maybe the problem isn’t the QBs, but the man whispering to them. Even with J.T. Barrett being knocked out by a nefarious Harbaughsian scheme and LG Jamarco Jones going down to a leg injury, the good guys prevailed. At what point does Michigan just accept that they’re the Northwestern of the East? Not academically, obviously, but in the “always a bridesmaid” sense? The white alternates weren’t great but they weren’t awful, and they sure as hell weren’t maize. Michigan’s saving grace in this game was the tried-and-true Buckeye plan of forgetting running backs exist for a quarter or two.

And since Michigan fans love to complain about refs, here’s how their best thrown ball of the day started:

In closing, Michigan sucks and I’m glad they’re paying nearly every dime they could muster for the privilege. Also, Dwayne Haskins already has a head start on beating that ass.

Also, here’s what your eleventy-gazillion dollar QB whisperer gets you:

Enjoy some bowl game brought to you by a website and/or a Two-for-$20 menu, Michigan. You’ve earned it.

Wisconsin at Minnesota | Bagders win...again...31-0

Watching this slow-motion mulching of the Goophs really made the weekend with the Minnesewda in-laws.

WSR: No big deal. I declined a chance to play WR today, and you can see how that impacted the team. Wisconsin went about it's business and soundly beat a depleted Minnesota team. At the end of the day, this game and season won't mean much for either program, but Badger fans will get to run their mouths for another winter. On the plus side, nobody died. Having seen the Badgers in person, I have no problem saying I'm still not impressed with them. They're not a playoff-quality team. 2015 Iowa was better, and hopefully this squad gets humiliated in the B1GCG and saves the conference from further embarrassment on a national stage. At least until they lose to UCF in a New Years 6 bowl.

TSpeth: 12-0 12-0 12-0 12-0 AXE AXE AXE AXE. Fun fact- Wisconsin shut out Minnesota at home for the first time in 95 years and has an undefeated regular season in 105 years. Also known as roughly the last time Minnesota was a actually relevant nationally. Row the damn boat because you guys suck. Watching the Minnesota offense in the first half was hilarious because of how incompetent it was. Hornibrook looked good, one can only hope this continues into the post season Minnesota isn't having. Also LOL at Rutgers for not having basic plumbing at their stadiums. Send them back to the shithole conference they came from

Penn State at Maryland | 66-3

What can we even say about this? Other than the backup QB ran for 113 yards on 12 carries, which is odd since Greatest Running Back Of This Century And Last™ Saquon Say-Say Hang Clean Barkley managed 77 yards on 16 carries. “Well, see, the offensive line...”

DJ: We suck.

A-A-Ron: Penn State wasn't playing for a trophy because the powers that be would rather force a Maryland rivalry on us instead of going with the traditional Land Grand matchup that was a competitive game this year. And who knows? Maybe if the Lions played Sparty today instead of three weeks ago, the weather would have been different and the result would have been different. It doesn't matter. Penn State had its opportunity and it blew it, but that doesn't change the fact that the Land Grant Trophy should be defended on the final day of the regular season. Instead, Spartan fans who traveled east were treated to a stadium without functioning toilets. Lovely.

Iowa at Nebraska | Riley leaves no question, 56-14

“Hope they didn’t hurt your boys too bad” now comes in a non-AAU version.

BRT: All good things must come to an end. Happily, all bad things come to an end too, and the 2017 Husker football season is finally out of its misery. I'm happy I don't have to care about football for more than half a year now, because at the moment, I am over it. I wish Mike Riley a happy retirement, and hope he finds activities to fill his time that he enjoys. I hope Bob Diaco becomes an elementary school cafeteria worker.

GF3: That may be the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Dead Read: This statement is pejorative towards lunch line personnel, worldwide. I don't want Diaco handling food.

Stew: Iowa certainly has issues Especially on the offensive end. That first half was not exactly enjoyable. But holy hell, scoring 42 points in a half is as lot of fun. Iowa had now won 4 of the last 5 against UNL, and outscored them 124-44 the last 3 years. But in the final analysis, you have to evaluate where UNL is.

Northwestern at Illinois | Cats in the Hat 42-7

No, seriously, what would Illinois do with a trophy? I assume it just sits on the coach’s desk because it would be terribly wasteful to dedicate permanent space to trophies. I suppose the LOLHAT makes a nice objet d’art or paperweight. The Illibuck could be a hell of a doorstop (in theory).

Thump: Northwestern's only competition for "shittiest big ten team to ever win nine games" is the 2015 northwestern team. Hopefully playing dirty in garbage time makes them feel better about the fact that this is as good as they'll ever be. Piss off, dear reader. See you never.

LPW: Another complete game! Justin Jackson and Clayton Thorson climbed further up the record books, and Northwestern is onto somewhere warm this postseason. Thank you Illinois’s defensive coordinator couldn’t stop our jet sweeps. Wow.

MNW: Illinois bad. We good. Break out the scotch, the 'Cats are 9-3 and I don't give a fuck if you think it's fraudulent. At least our players aren't stupid enough to throw flags at refs. (Fun fact: Tito Odenigbo is the younger brother of former 'Cats standout Ifeadi.) Let's see if Northwestern can actually get lucky enough to jump a Michigan team with no quarterback whose best win is Purdue. Or a Michigan State team they beat. Here's hoping it's a Florida bowl game. Roll damn 'Cats.

Indiana at Purdue | Bucket wrested from Hoosiers’ sticky hands, 31-24

Brohm has Purdue bowling. Purdue. The butt of non-Rutgers jokes for years. That Purdue. What an amazing turnaround in one season for a program that Darrell Hazell seems to have been paid to assassinate. Indiana on the other hand...

Candystripes: I had forgotten rule 1 of Indiana football: If the game matters, Indiana's probably going to lose, and in as knife-twisting a fashion as possible. Arguably Indiana's best team in recent memory took a schedule where 7-5 looked eminently doable, and instead of breaking through the glass ceiling that has been over the program for years if not decades, crashed right back down into the basement of the conference and is likely to stay there for at least the next year if not longer. Hopefully Jeff Brohm proves to be too good to stay at Purdue long, otherwise we might not sniff a Bucket victory again until he leaves.

Michigan State at Rutgers | MSU ends the pain 40-7

New Jersey. An abundance of steaming waste. Insultingly bad architecture. Suburban malaise. Toilets don’t flush. Dantonio. Fin.

Atlastthis Krapisoverski: After gamely offering the host plenty of opportunities to make it a game, MSU eventually stopped shooting itself in the foot and disposed of Rutgers. The penalties and settling for field goals instead of touchdowns are getting a little old, and at this point in the season youth as an excuse starts to wear thin. Can't be upset with a sizable win to complete the record reversal and most likely set up the trip to Orlando, though, and even with the mistakes this was one of MSU's more complete games. Also, I disavow knowledge of or involvement in the collective malfunction of all High Point Solutions Stadium's toilets. I wouldn't know anything about that.