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Last Week’s Unintentionally Hilarious Picks

“Can Michigan State pull off the upset of Penn State? Can Kinnick Magic catapult Iowa over Ohio State?” As we all predicted, the answer to both was “YES.”

Penn State v Michigan State
How we feel when we miss picks, kind of. Not really. We’re used to the despair.
Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

As we know, you all come here to read our learned and well-informed picks about all things Big Ten, particularly football games, about which our knowledge is literally limitless. You respect us for it, and we are happy to serve.

But amazingly, last week was not great for us. You, wise readers, no doubt saw last weekend’s chaos coming, as any smart person definitely did, but we, alas, for the most part did not. And some of our predictions, consequently, did not age well. I have annotated our idiocy for your enjoyment.

Please enjoy this rare instance of us nearly all being wrong. Savor it, because it will never happen again, obviously.

Penn State at Mount Ararat Akron-East Lansing Michigan State

What happened: After a 40-day rain delay, MSU bested PSU 27-24

What we got right: There were lazers pew pew pew

As you can see, one “writer” really did swing for the fences and see her crazy prediction make her look like a genius. Is she a sorceress, or someone whose marrow-deep hatred for PSU paid off big time? The world may never know.

Jimmy Buckeye, Dead_Read, and Andrew Kaasdfadslsrenwr;lldkfjas;ldfkjsadflski get partial seer credit for at least envisioning a competitive game where MSU kept it within the 7.5 point spread.

And now for the rest of us:

Thump: Lewerke will not be mistaken for J.T. Barrett any time this season. Low-scoring game that Penn State controls from the get-go and covers.

Hmmmm... swing and a miss for Thump. Lewerke, of course, looked better than J.T. Barrett, but then, so did Maryland’s 15th string waterboy or whoever is playing QB for them now. The control envisioned for PSU failed to develop.

BRT: Penn State should certainly be able to beat UAEL. Unless they're so demoralized from last week that they collapse in on themselves like a dying star, which wouldn't be hilarious at all.

Got the pick wrong, but the dream scenario came true. If the star collapsing wants to continue next week to Rutgers or the week after to Nebraska, well, feel free to keep the hilarity rolling, PSU.

DR: The Spartans have an impressive defense and I think Dantonio's blood is up after the loss to NW last week. PSU may find it difficult to match its intensity from last week. PSU wins, but MSU's defense keeps it close.

A pretty good take from Dead Read. Nothing to mock here, sadly.

AK: With profound doubt, I'll take the points. Maybe this is one of the games where Dantonio gets the team to overperform.

Maybe.

Stew: I just can't see MSU being able to score enough. The dam breaks, PSU covers.

Was the dam breaking a weather reference? If so, good prognosticating, Stew. If it was in regards to points for PSU though, not so great.

CM: So is Michigan State still Akron, or are we not doing that anymore? Whatever, Nits unfortunately win.

It appears the Akrons have gotten a little feisty lately.

MNW: Andrew brought up the point in the podcast (which y’all should go listen to!): Michigan State was not. good. stopping Northwestern from racking up YAC in whatever the hell that game was. There’s, uh...there’s that Saquon Barkley fella. Penn State, 31-17.

Whatever happened to that Saquon Barkley fella anyway?

Ohio State at Iowa

What happened: Strictly speaking, we’re still not really sure. An alien abduction involving Kirk Ferentz has not been ruled out. But the final score was 55-24 in favor of the Hawkeyes. Also, the Ferentzii made everyone stop talking about Brian’s potty mouth. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.

What we got right: That the 2015 Iowa fans did not actually vanish from the earth, but merely retreated into dormancy until such a time as... this. Like those cicadas.

Quite a few “writers” felt that OSU as a 17-point spread on the road was a little much, and so were a little less wrong than the rest of us, because, it turns out, it was a little much. But no one believed in Iowa/hated OSU enough to pick them straight up. Let’s see how dumb we were:

Thump: Dat Iowa home magic....is not going to get it done. Iowa loses 17-10.

Given previous history, 17-10 wasn’t a bad score to guess for an Iowa game. But it turns out that Kinnick Magic is a lot darker than Thump (or anyone) thought.

BRT: Have fun, Hawkeyes.

Note to self: Do not tell the Hawkeyes to have fun when they play Nebraska, because apparently, they took me v. seriously.

DR: I find it hard to imagine Iowa getting over 275 yards in this game. OSU covers.

You know, it WAS hard to imagine. But somehow, they got 487 yards, which is well over 275. More importantly, they also got 55 points off of all of those yards. The only thing OSU covered was the floor of a pink locker room with tears. I mean, probably.

AK: I think Iowa keeps it close enough to beat the spread.

Partial credit, I guess. They did beat the spread.

Stew: Why the hell is this only 17 points? Does Vegas think Iowa will be able to drag OSU into a rock fight? I just don't see this being anywhere near close without lots of OSU turnovers and the Ferentzii airing it out, and the running game somehow finding it's legs. So, yeah, OSU covers.

Oh Stew of little faith! Your team made you look very silly. Not that you care, probably. Your identification of the things that would need to happen in order for Iowa to have a modicum of success was pretty dead-on though. The Ferentzii shocked us all.

CM: Time for Ohio State to avenge their transitive loss to the Hawkeyes.

Well you know. Maybe in 2020.

MNW: The football version of Hilton Magic (yes, Iowa football. that is what you are, right down to large bearded men in weird overalls getting REALLY MAD about a DPI against Iowa in which the DB horse-collars the receiver before the ball is even thrown) keeps the Hawks in it. Somehow. But it’s never actually close. Ohio State, 28-14.

“But it’s never actually close.” If you’d only said this, you would have looked like a genius, MNW. Sadly, now you just look like another no-talent OTE “writer.” It is a hard fate, but carry on as well as you can.

This was all well and funny, of course, but unfortunately for you all, our uneducated guesswork seems to be rubbing off on you. So here are some excellent predictions you made! It’s like you don’t even watch the games.

bucksfan92: “OSU covers, but we might see the 500 yards of offense streak end”

You did see the 500 yards of offense streak end, but ultimately, that was kind of the least of the night’s problems, eh?

Hollywood Hawk Hogan: “I just had a major epiphany.

All those 10-17 games that Iowa recently played were in October, 2017. It’s November now.

OSU 17

Iowa 11”

Um, 55 is divisible by 11? Otherwise, this line of reasoning didn’t really work out.

And some who looked a little less silly:

bucksfan92: “B1G scheduling messed this one up, it’s hard to see LAZERZ at noon.”

Mark Hollis and his weather machine were here for YOU!

stevedarsh: “I dont think MSU is anywhere near as good as PSU, but PSU had to get up in massive fashion for two straight weeks. If there’s any prime setting for a letdown game, wouldn’t this be it? Right after a ranked matchup against HARBAW under the lights then a huge punch in the gut come from behind loss to OSU that stole PSU’s shot at the CFP from them?”

Apparently yes, this was in fact the prime setting for a letdown game.

Littering And: “Weird things happen to top 3 teams in November at Iowa...So it is a good thing OSU is ranked 6th. Think OSU will win, but Iowa covers at 31-21 or something like that.”

Weird things happen to Top 6 teams in November in Iowa, I guess.

dlrhawks: “PSU over MSU…something tells me this goes down to the wire”

Correct!

dlrhawks: “However…come out playing well and a flat/disinterested OSU shows up, keep it close at half, don’t come out jelly side down in the 3rd like Iowa has a few times this year to where you have something to play for in the 4th…who knows... I believe we’re also gonna see Iowa actually show some of this newfangled offense we’ve all pined for yet have seen so seldom so far this year. Kirk has always had a bit of sandbagger in him, saving stuff for big games…I think we see some of that offensively tomorrow...Lotta things need to fall into place to where this is a Rolaids Reunion. Stranger things have happened. And Iowa’s best two performances this year were against the best two teams they’ve played so far – and while they have yet to play a complete game, they’re also due for one.”

He shied away from actually predicting an Iowa win, but he should have went with his gut, because clearly, dlr was feeling it this week. He’ll be the only writer on OTE from now on. Enjoy the Power Polls, dlr. They’re a lot of work, but it looks like you’re up for it. :)