In a definitely-real press conference on the banks of the Raritan today, Rutgers Athletic Director Pat Hobbs and head football coach Chris Ash announced that the Scarlet Knights had scheduled two more games for the 2017 football season.
The Knights will play host to the Arkansas State Red Wolves on December 9, a week after hosting the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets in a December 2 showdown in Indianapolis that will immediately precede the Big Ten Championship.
“Due to NCAA regulations which require teams with 2 FCS games to reach 7 wins,” Hobbs said, “we did not see a point in scheduling one of the Southern FCS schools who lost a game to the hurricane. We tried Morgan State anyways, but they’re not returning our calls.”
“I appreciate the efforts of our administration as well as the administrations, Coach [Blake] Anderson at A-State, and Coach [Paul] Johnson at GT to get this game scheduled,” head coach Chris Ash said. “It was unfortunate for their teams to lose their twelfth game due to Hurricane Irma, and all three of our teams deserve the chance to achieve bowl eligibility. Any time we have the opportunity to play in High Point Solutions Stadium in front of our fan we are excited. However, this week our complete focus is on covering the spread against Penn State.”
Upon being told that Georgia Tech and Arkansas State had both already achieved bowl eligibility and would probably beat the shit out of the Scarlet Knights, Ash, confused, held back tears, and Dobbs called an abrupt end to the press conference while ordering the wise-ass to stop playing Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” from their phone.