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MAILBAG ANSWERS!

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Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

Go Gophers.
Delivering all the finest “thoughts” and “writing” we could be bothered to come up with.
Photo by Alexander Koerner/Getty Images

Who had the 2nd-best recruiting class in the B1G West? - WSR

Stew: Minnesota, probably.

WSR: Iowa right now, but it may end up being Nebraska. What we’ll learn from this is that it will be the last time a coach that gets hired will be allowed to stay at his previous institute of employement for the bowl game becasue it puts such a crimp on a whole cycle with the new early signing day.

Jesse: It’s going to be Nebraska when it’s all said and done, but the late start really hurt them. Scott Frost did still land as many blue chip kids as the rest of the division, so that’s a plus. Sidenote, it’ll be really interesting to watch the holdouts for the traditional signing day. I’m curious how their egos go up as they are the ‘best’ remaining recruits.

(Which) five presidents from American history that you would want to have whiskey with? - Senator Grahammy Graham Filler

Stew: Let’s go with the Mount Rushmore 4, and FDR.

MNW: What a good-looking question. Here are mine:

  1. FDR
  2. Jimmy Carter, even though he banned it in the White House and didn’t drink. We’d have Billy Beer, though, not whiskey.
  3. Andrew Jackson
  4. Theodore Roosevelt
  5. Herbert Hoover

WSR: Teddy Roosevelt, JFK, Andrew Jackson, Lincoln, and Donald Trump. Spoilers: Whiskey for myself and 4 others, a bottle toss at the 5th.

Jesse: John Adams first because he would just argue with you for the sake of arguing with you. Probably Teddy next. FDR. Maybe Harding because I’d love to just ask him what the hell he was thinking. Also Kennedy because he’s literally the most entertaining one of them all is my guess.

BRT: 1. Abraham Lincoln—he’s the coolest and one of the smartest, and it would be an honor to meet him.

2. Barack Obama—but only if he brought Michelle. I had a dream once I had lunch with Michelle and it was AMAZING. I bet Barack is cool too, but I’m really here for FLOTUS.

3. James Garfield—a really fascinating guy who is forgotten because he wasn’t president long. I’d tell him to stay out of train stations and find himself a personal physician who believed in germ theory.

4. FDR—Dude saw a lot—how could you not? Another one that should definitely bring FLOTUS.

5. Trump—I’d kick him in the nads—really, it’s not so different from “grabbing them by the p____y,” so I shouldn’t think he’d complain. Then I’d enjoy my whiskey alone.

I kid, I kid. Of course I would not waste this opportunity on Trump. I’d round out my group with an early leader—Madison has always seemed like an interesting guy, so let’s go with him.

How would you write an enthusiastic rally speech for an ACC team south of Mason-Dixon and its fans to get them excited to go to Detroit the day after Christmas for the Motor City Bowl? - KetteringLex

Stew: I would not write such a rally speech.

Jesse: Detroit: It could be worse, you could have gone to the Gasparilla Bowl.

WSR: Dookies, would you like to go do white savior work in a 3rd-world country without even needing a passport? No, this isn’t like the time you helped dad pick up that shipment of Cuban cigars in international waters in your backup yacht. Go to Detroit, help rebuild what was once and will be again a proud American city, and watch your team get shitstomped by NIU.

BRT: “You know how Detroit gets a bad rap? Well, it’s still at least eleven times better than anywhere in Mississippi or Alabama. Come on up! And, uh, bring a coat.”

What is a catch? - Jon Ross

WSR: When you grab a football before it makes contact with the ground then come in contact with said ground, hopefully with either 1 or 2 feet but any other part of your body is acceptable, and come down in the field of play. Pretty fucking simple, eh NFL?

MNW: What is a catch? I ask you: what is a child’s giggle, a sunset’s color, a dead body’s molar mass? For these are the questions we have asked since the dawn of time, these are the questions which have destroyed generations. To discern the answer one must ascend the mountain, drink from the stream of knowledge, and be in communion with the nature that surrounds you.

Good luck.

Candystripes: A catch is when you grab the ball without it having touched the ground between the quarterback throwing the ball forward and you receiving it, while also having the correct number of feet/body parts inbounds for the level of football you’re playing at. That’s it, that’s literally everything you need, and any rule that says otherwise is bullshit and needs to be removed from the rulebook.

Jesse: There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.”

BRT: To become ignited, and start burning.

Rank the Star Wars Movies (no spoilers for those who haven't seen the newest!) - Grizzly Spartan

Stew:

5

4

6

Rogue One

7

8

3

2

1

WSR: Let’s see...5...ehhhhh fuck it. That’s all you really need.

Jesse: the prequels sucked, the original is probably 5, 6, 4 for me. And these new ones? I don’t know. I didn’t hate the new one so let’s go 8, 7. I haven’t seen Rogue One.

BRT: I can’t rank them all, but I enjoyed the original trilogy, and The Force Awakens, and I suppose this means I have terrible taste and know nothing about Star Wars, but whatever. I haven’t seen the newest one yet, but am looking forward to it.

Which B1G football squad will have the biggest off-season scandal? How will this lead to that school hiring Bert? - GTom

Candystripes: Ask Urban Meyer’s doctors.

WSR: If wisconsin’s media did anything other than milk the badgers while massaging the prostate, I’m sure we’d all entertained by some sort of cheese-related steroids scandal.

Jesse: All I want is for Iowa to hire Bert and for his schtick to fail in Iowa City. Is that so much to ask?

Speaking of UNL's championship V-ballers: What's your favorite "non-revenue" college sport and why is it awesome? - Hollywood Hawk Hogan

Stew: Wrestling, because Dan Gable said it’s awesome, and I listen to Dan Gable.

MNW: I have to say, when I actually watch Big Ten baseball/softball, I really do enjoy it. But I don’t do that nearly enough. As a Northwestern fan, however, I’m required to say women’s lacrosse.

But the actual answer is field hockey, because I don’t totally get it but it’s cool and that ball must hurt like a motherfucker.

Candystripes: Men’s soccer, because we’re really damn good at it. Also, the atmosphere at Armstrong Stadium when the students are there and the team is good is fantastic.

WSR: While I also love wrestling and am terrified of making Dan Gable unhappy with me, I’m going with hockey. While Gophers Men’s Hockey a bit of a dumpster fire right now, it can still be a blast in small doses when the team when they’re clicking. The Olympic-sized rink at Mariucci may be a bit problematic in one or two ways, but taking advantage of the extra space with team speed and crisp passing can still be a trill to watch..

Jesse: VOLLEYBALL!!! Although, I’m with MNW, if you get a chance to watch B1G baseball/softball on a nice spring day, it’s the best. Cheap admission, cheap food, good sport. I love it.

BRT: Shocking no one, I will go with the National Champion Husker volleyballers as my most favorite. Don’t tell anyone, but I might actually love volleyball more than football—I just have so much admiration for how incredibly athletic and skilled they are, and almost every week the Big Ten brings it, so you don’t get very many weeks where you’re watching the equivalent of Illinois-Indiana in football or something. It’s marvelous. The atmosphere at Devaney is incredible—8,000+ every weekend who care passionately about blocking numbers and hitting percentages. And, I think it’s really exciting that there’s a women’s sport that has such widespread fan support—I love seeing people bringing their little girls to the matches and knowing that they’re soaking up seeing women being powerful and strong and kick-ass. It’s like the beginning of Wonder Woman.

What's the best Top Gear/TGT special? - Andy Davis

Stew: The one where they drive the car around and make quasi-funny comments.

WSR: The easy answer is Vietnam, and for good reason. I absolutely love it. But my favorite is the American trip. The adventures in Miami getting the cars, the banter, the food, and the locals (in one specific state). It’s just terrifying and hilarious.

BRT: This is a really, really tough choice. I think I’d pick Vietnam as well. I was legit terrified during the South American one though. The American trip WSR mentions is also great—the U.S. doesn’t come off looking so good, but it’s damn funny. My favorite normal episode is either the bit with the Reliant Robin, or the one where they buy discarded military equipment to try to tear down some old houses.

When, exactly, are the Vikings going to hurt me this winter? - Hoegher

Stew: Just when you drop your guard, and you will drop your guard.

MNW: Not until the last minute, when the time is right and your hopes are sufficiently up.

Fuck the packers.

Candystripes: Wait for it.

WSR: You’d almost have to think it’s going to be the Super Bowl, isn’t it? This all sets up too perfectly for what could be far and away the most crushing of crushing defeats for Vikings fans.

One final note here, I hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season. Regardless of it’s Christmas, or if you just wrapped up Hannukah, or anything else that you may celebrate, I hope that it is a time of love and joy for you and yours.

And Tonya: There isn’t a surprise birthday party for you tomorrow. Or tonight.