Well, another year, another no national champion in college basketball from the Big Ten, meaning that 2000 Michigan State remains the conference’s last title-winner (I meant what I said). Hell, even Maryland’s women got bounced from the NCAA Tournament, meaning there’s less hope than usual.
Now that I had a reason to actually give a shit about the NCAA Tournament for the first time in my life, I can’t let go of caring about it just yet. But who to cheer for? Depressed Thumpasaurus was busy, so I had to interview myself and run down each team, one by one.
Famous Basketballer: Michael Jordan
Famous Non-Basketballer: James K. Polk
Well it seems like UNC has a lot of basketball history. Seems like an OK prog—
Well now, surely those allegations are being refut—
But I like Roy Will—
So there’s no reason I shou—
But at least they’re not Du—
You don’t seem very fun.
Famous Basketballer: John Stockton
Famous Non-Basketballer: Contractin’ Carl Pohlad.
So Gonzaga! They’re a Cinderella team, ri—
They were a 1-seed.
Wow! Out of nowhere to a—
No, in 18 years they have had a top-4 seed 7 times.
Must beat a lot of tough tea—
Stop. This year they beat Arizona and Iowa State. Then they ran off however many in a row against Pepperdine, Portland, and Pacific.
But St. Mary’s is goo—
Stop trying to justify this shit school playing next to no one and having to get up for about 5 games per year.
Are you still angry about the goaltending thi—
NO I’M CLEARLY OVER IT FUCK YOU.
But that big Polish guy is a cool sto—
You mean the lummox who did the Spokane Shuffle about 10 times in the post and is somehow applauded for his “great footwork and amazing passing”? Yes, I am truly in awe of the redemption story who had 5 inches and “65” pounds on Dererk Pardon and managed a whopping 9 points and 4 boards. Knock me over with a fucking feather. Here’s a reference he’ll get: That’s like September fucking 1st, when Rydz-Smigly and company threw up a bunch of hussars and peasants with rifles against 10,000 fucking tanks, only if most of the tanks broke down along the way but knocked over a church in Lodz. Fucking congratulations.
Are you gonna do this for every team?
Maybe. I’m just making up shit as I go.
Famous Basketballer: Kevin Lov—hahahaha oh wait that’s right. Luke Ridnour, I guess.
Famous Non-Basketballer: DID YOU KNOW PHIL KNIGHT WENT TO OREGON WELL HERE’S ANOTHER DOZEN EYE-BLINDING UNIFORM COMBINATIONS TO REMIND YOU
Wow! Their first Final Four since 1939?! Who even hosted it back the—
Now you’re just trying to piss me off.
Famous Basketballer: Mike Dunleavy, Sr., I guess? Holy shit this school really is that historically bad at basketball.
Famous Non-Basketballers: Hootie and the Blowfish
So Hatin’ Ass Spurrier seems kinda fun—
Not that website. They won’t return our calls.
Say, who’d they replace him with, anywa—
No. There’s no way anyone woul—
So tell me about Frank Martin. He’s kinda intense.
Shit, so you’re not gonna mess with a boun—
No, because I am a Certified Internet Tough Guy only.
So it’s South Carolina, then! You could’ve just told me tha—
Think about it...
Oh. So should I cheer for a university representing a state which requires a terrorist to shoot up a prayer group in order to take down the Confederate battle flag from outside the state house?
That’s rhetorical, right?
Who will I root for in the Final Four?
This poll is closed
UNC to lose in heartbreaking fashion
New York abstains, courteously