First of all: it’s not me, it’s you. Wait.... no I had that right. It’s definitely you.
I wish we could say we’ve learned more about ourselves. I wish we could say you’ve made us a better, more loving conference. I’ve been lying to myself for almost 4 years, but that ends now.
You used to tell me about your hopes and dreams... that you wanted to go to bowl games, contend for a title, lock down New Jersey recruits and make me proud to call myself your conference. I can see now that my mother was right; you’re just a deadbeat loser who will never amount to anything.
I’ll forever remember the first time I noticed you. Remember that steamy October night we spent together? I fell in love with you as you slapped Michigan around and gave me something to smile about. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen happen to the Wolverines since Appalachian State. I now know that you were lying to me that night: That game had everything to do with Brady Hoke being a huge joke and nothing to do with you.
You are an appendage who’s only obvious function is to let the other conferences laugh at us. You make me ashamed to be myself. You went 2-10 while scoring 7 points or less in 50% of your games and actually tried to frame yourself as a team on the upswing. When I look at you I feel nothing but regret. I need you out of my life, once and for all.
When I get back from work today, I expect you to be moved out. Don’t bother calling me with a list of ways that you’re similar to TCU or Baylor or Utah before those schools got good at football, or how you’ll prevent in-state kids from going to Michigan or Ohio State by appealing to their state pride. You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. It’s over, rutger.
I’m gonna go hook up with an ex out of spite. (How you doin’ University of Chicago? Your endowment is sooo big.)
PS: When I said your basketball program was trending in the right direction... I was faking it.