Keeping the enemy close: Illinois “fighting” Illini

Illinois, you thought that hiring Lovie Smith would be the panacea to your ills. You thought that hiring a respected former Chicago Bears coach would lead to greater things than the toxic waste dump of the Beckman era and the "it's not a dagger in the heart of the program" era of Bill Cubit.

BYCTOM

Hogwash.

Illinois, I don't care if you have Nick Saban, Dick Butkus, or the reincarnation of Red Grange coaching your team: you're awful and will continue to be awful.

Illinois football is like 5O itches under a freshly laid cast that you can't scratch.

Illinois football is like a festering pustule that just popped and stinks up the whole room.

Illinois football is like a fungus infected toenail on a hot girl or guy on the beach: you want to vomit and run away.

Illinois football is like a tequila hangover that just won't go away five days after drinking margaritas and doing tequila shots.

Illinois football is like being forced to listen to MMBOP by Hansen and then eating food by Guy Fieri and Paula Deen, followed by drinking five shots of Malort.

You would rather watch Rutgers play Purdue than watch Illinois football.

Illinois football is like a homeless man who hasn't bathed in two weeks sitting next to you on the El during the middle of winter on a very crowded train.

Illinois football is like a person in a silent library that cracks each one of their knuckles loudly. And then farts, silently but deadly.

Illinois football is like Sister Agatha getting the attention of class by scratching her nails on a chalkboard. And then rapping your knuckles with a ruler.

Illinois football causes respectable young men to become hooligans , wear masks, and rob dorms on campus.

Illinois football is the leading cause of hemorrhoids in central illinois, and anti-vaxxerism on the west coast.

Illnois football is like being stuck in traffic when you really really really really have to go to the bathroom and you’re on the verge of sharting.

Illinois football is like when cousin Eddie shows up in an RV for Christmas and complains the shitter is full when dumping waste into the sewers.

Illinois football is like watching any Batman movie made by Joel Schumacher.

Illinois football is like being forced to listen to Justin Bieber against your will.

illinois football is being forced to eat fruitcake against your will at Christmas.

Illinois football is the shame of the Big Ten West.

Northwestern out-recruits you. Ohio State will never let the Illibuck leave Columbus and just may end up forgetting about the trophy since Minnesota has a better chance of winning the Axe than you have winning the turtle back.

Illinois aspires to achieve Rutgers-grade mediocrity.

Get Fucked, Illinois!

Also, HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT!