As I searched high and low to find a western Michigan food just right to encapsulate Day 3 of Michigan State Week, I had my share of options. The Grand Rapids-specialty wet burrito, consumption of which probably ends in something approximating Michigan State’s 2016 campaign. Some nice apples from Sparta, perhaps to go with a hearty breakfast of your favorite Battle Creek-produced cereal.
But none of those felt like quite the turd-burger that Michigan State’s 2017 campaign really was. As such, we look for yet another way in which Midwestern states ruin good foods by putting bad shit on them. Introducing the Olive Burger:
The olive is a simple creature. Salty, pitted, it often graces our garnish trays and martinis, stuffed with a number of delicious additions like bleu cheese, garlic, or jalapenos. So why, I ask you, would ANYONE foul this up with disgusting egg jizz?! From The Mitten Mom’s recipe:
Hamburger and bun
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup pimiento stuffed green olives, sliced
1 tablespoon juice from the jar
In a small bowl, combine the mayonnaise, olives and olive juice. Stir well and refrigerate for a half hour.
While the olive burger topping is chilling, cook your hamburger as desired.
Add a slice of Swiss cheese and a spoonful (or more) of olive topping to your burger and enjoy!
I will not enjoy that burger, Mitten Mom.
Now, the question. Obviously the correct answer to “How would you fix this burger in just one step?” is REMOVE THE FUCKING MAYONNAISE. So, esteemed OTE writer, I ask you:
“How would you fix Michigan State football in 2017?”
Is it trying Damion Terry at quarterback? Bolstering the pass rush and getting back after the quarterback? Blowing the whole thing up and starting over? Give us your best fix for 2017.
Oh, and tell us your favorite (mayo-free) burger.
Andrew Kraszewski: Yeah, pass rush would sure help, which might mean giving different guys opportunities. Kenny Willekes, Mufi Hunt, Cassius Peat...there are plenty of options, just need someone to actually get home instead of just getting close.
GF: Make the student section stay longer. Seriously. It’s a halftime-clearout kind of crowd now that Sparty isn’t Top 10. Sad stuff.
BRT: Given the current political climate, I'm kind of maxed out on trying to envision ways to fix gigantic shitshows of failure, embarrassment, and ineptitude, so in that vein, I have nothing to add to fixing MSU football either. I'm here for the burgers.
First of all, the problem with that mayo olive burger isn't the mayo, it's the olives. That's right. Mayo is fine. Deal with it, MNW. As for best burgers, I'll give shout outs to two places in B1G country. First, Stella's in Grand Rapids is delicious. The place is almost terminally hipster, but they make a mighty fine burger and the best BBQ sauce I've ever had. In Lincoln, Honest Abe's Burgers and Freedom makes incredible burgers and a wonderful curried dipping sauce. Mmmmmm. There, I once had my favorite burger, topped with Canadian bacon, apricot jam, and goat cheese. SO GOOD. It doesn't need the ham, IMO, but the jam and goat cheese are transcendent on the burger, and you should make one that way sometime.
Candystripes: Honestly, I’m not sure that 2016 wasn’t just an extremely fluky combination of “expectations too high”, “culture too unsettled”, and “Wait, we’re starting who at quarterback?”, culminating in MSU’s worst season in years. The biggest fix might just be forgetting last year happened, and moving forward from it. Of course, I’d also like to hang onto the Old Brass Spittoon just a bit longer, so if you want to keep having down season for a bit, I’m cool with that.
For burgers, I’ve found the best way to enjoy it is fresh off the grill and topped with freshly grated parmesan cheese. Then again, I’ve been told I do food weird, so YMMV.
WSR: I think the easiest solution is the best: kidnap Pat Narduzzi’s mom and send him a toe to show that you mean business. Voila. Problem solved.
As far as burgers go, give me something from a Blue Door. Today I’d probably choose a Horsekick Blucy.
Stew: I say blow the whole thing up. Fire everyone. Start from scratch. There’s got to be a good recruiter out there with B1G experience and ties to fertile recruiting grounds, like Florida. That would certainly be a tremendous hire.
As for burgers, keep it pretty simple. I mix in some of my brisket rub and a little Worcestershire sauce. Form in about 1⁄3 lb patties. Grill with a touch of smoke until medium. Butter and grill the bun. Smoke/grill half strips of thick cut bacon. If desired, just before taking the burger off, put desired cheese (colby jack) on patty. Serve with 3 half strips of bacon, raw white or red onion, and 3 dill pickle chips. Ketchup and mustard as/if desired.
Aaron Yorke: After it went to the College Football Playoff in 2015, we didn't expect Michigan State Football to collapse the way it did in 2016. Although the off-the-field issues are troubling, Mark Dantonio has taken the Spartans to great heights and he should be the guy with the first crack at building them up again. I don’t think there’s one quick fix to be made, but with a coach on board who has already won multiple Big Ten titles, the best plan is to stay the course and not overreact to one lousy season.
Speaking of overreacting, the mayonnaise hate has gone a little too far around here. There’s nothing better than a little bit of the white stuff to cool down a spicy burger topped with jalapenos and pepper jack cheese.
LPW: Clean house with the problem players, and kind of like WSR’s idea: kidnap Narduzzi and make him stay in his old job forever.
Also, Fix the in-game adjustments. Dantonio and the Spartans were not well served by last year’s crappy coaching.
Mayo on burgers is fucking disgusting. Yuck. I like my cheeseburgers conservative: medium rare, no onions, american cheese, with lettuce, tomatoes, and pickle and ketchup.
Townie: Something has to change with the “in-game” coaching. Think about this: Sparty was up at halftime or the third quarter against BYU, Indiana, and Penn State. They lost all those games. They were tied with Ohio State at half...and lost.
In two of those games, BYU, and PSU, Sparty ended up getting blown out.
That tells me their half-time adjustments suck. They came into those games with good plans. They played their game and scored points. Then, the other team made some changes at half time and Sparty couldn’t hang.
On paper, this was a good Spartan football team. On the field, they were terrible. I don’t know how you fix it, but I’d start with my in-game coaches. Look back at those close games and watch film. Figure out what those teams exploited and why.
As for the second part...that fucking burger is disgusting. Give me a the double cheeseburger at Tasty’s with a side of...dare I say it...Old Bay fries and a big vanilla milk shake.
The collective has spoken, OTE. Now you contribute your thoughts! Vote in the poll and let us know in the comments: How would you fix Michigan State football?
Does mayo belong on a burger?
This poll is closed
Absolutely! I hate eating good food!
Egg jizz is an abomination before the Lord and has ruined yet another thing.
How should we fix MSU football?
This poll is closed
Pick a quarterback and stick with it.
Get back to Spartan football on the defensive side of the ball.
Fire a few assistants and shake things up.
Clean house. Top to bottom. Tear it up.
Wait it out -- things will get better.
...nah, I’m cool with how things are.
Other (let us know in the comments!)