Here we go, OTE junkies. It’s Friday of Purdue week. You know what that means. Time to find a vein that isn’t collapsed in which to inject some sweet, sweet haterade.
So why the hell am I doing this? I should like Purdue. They’re known for engineering, we play for a cannon, they have an obnoxiously huge drum, their mascot is a fucking steam locomotive and they produced professional quarterback Kyle Orton.
So, why the hell AM I writing this hate article?
Simple. I volunteered to do so because nobody else wanted to.
Don’t get me wrong. I approached this assignment with vigor and enthusiasm. I mean, I once wrote a hate piece about UT-El Paso for fuck’s sake. Not to mention the whole thing where Illinois has suffered embarrassing defeats to both Purdue men’s basketball and football in the past several years. I mean, not unlike Bobby Knight, I’M FUCKIN TIRED OF LOSIN’ TO PURDUE!
And boy did I try. I tried so hard. I watched the 2014 and 2016 highlights of our home losses to Purdue (two of Darrell Hazell’s three confrerence wins), the latter of which in a game that I drove 500 miles to see. And yet I could only be angry at my own team. Sure, it was ridiculous that Hazell actually clicked his heels together like a fucking leprechaun after calling three timeouts to ice the Illini kicker actually worked, but how could I be mad at them for that? Sure, they took Wes Lunt out of the game with an unbelievably cheap shot quite early, but honestly I was more surprised that we were the first team to allow a pass rusher close enough to even headhunt after the play. Purdue was so bad nobody even knew they played so dirty!
This leads me to what might pass as a thesis for this article. When was the last time anyone was actually beaten by Purdue? I mean...don’t people simply...lose games to Purdue in spectacular fashion? Lately, a win by Purdue is only a sign that the opposing team has serious problems. Hazell was fired a week after Purdue’s last win. The hapless David Blough wasn’t even the only onetime Purdue quarterback to have his head coach fired midseason; Danny Etling’s LSU boss Les Miles was fired before even Purdue could lower the guillotine.
Wait what was I talking about? Oh right. Thesis for an article. Purdue’s only relevance lately is as a portal to rock bottom. The Danny Hope era was palatably mediocre for those of us that enjoy traditions such as Success With Mustache. Now, to be clear, Brock Spack was the man Hope beat out for that head coaching job, and Spack took the 2016 Illinois State Redbirds into some prestigious-in-the-institutionally-racist-way North Shore neighborhood and knocked off a Northwestern Wildcats team that would go on to scrape out a bowl win. Spack was not only the superior mustache, but was also ready and willing to accept the call at any time, since he was literally the only fan left from the Joe Tiller era who believed Purdue when they pissed on him and told him it was raining.
But I digress. Danny Hope. Man was it funny when shaving that particular mustache in favor of a fairly unproven MAC coach resulted in a dumpster fire.
Damn that was funny.
Then it started to become sad.
Then it became pitiable.
Now it’s not even worth pitying. Prior to finally giving in and firing Hazell, the only attempt made at relevance since shaving the mustache was deciding to sell beer at Ross-Ade Stadium as a pricey alternative to the traditional Ross-Ade. Little did the administration know that midway through 2013, the formula for Ross-Ade was changed to drastically up the Everclear-to-Kool-Aid ratio. Ross-Ade remains the drink of choice.
I mean...in 2015, this happened without any weather prompting it:
You don’t know that this wasn’t during a game with Purdue going towards the south end zone. Sure, there are no lines painted on the field, but honestly...would you be that surprised if a combination of cheapness and resignation to their fate caused Purdue to simply skip it? The attendance looks about right. And in fairness to Purdue fans, it’s hard to show up when your AD won’t.
Which is why I’m so shocked at the rather woke Jeff Brohm hire. Not only is it generally a coach seemingly on an upward swing, but it’s a highly quarterback-oriented coach in keeping with their former tradition. But talented coaches can fail in the right situations. Hell, Brohm was Illinois’ quarterbacks coach in the 5-7 followup to the Rose Bowl campaign of 2007. He’s proven it can be done.
And the worst part of all this is that Purdue should be respectable. I mean the mascot is a goddamn steam locomotive, it’s in the heart of the Midwest, it’s as B1G as it gets and it has actual rivalries. Shit, even the [redacted] joke is tired, because as Big Ten fans, is Purdue really the program we’re most embarrassed of?
I don’t really think so. It’s not as fun to laugh at. It actually means something to us. In some of our cases, it has our fucking cannon.
Mark it on your calendars, folks. October 21st, 2017 is when Rutgers and Purdue battle for the most dubious brand of Big Ten supremacy.
Goodness gracious. Rutgers has been in the AP Top 25 more recently than Purdue.
I don’t believe you’ll manage to defeat what may be a historically bad ‘Gers squad, Purdue.
Prove me wrong and maybe I’ll join hundreds of thousands of your fans in remembering that you exist.
To loosely quote Steely Dan,
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Deacon Bluesa Purdue