In the thirty mumble mumble years of my life, there haven’t been a whole lot of traditions for the Gophers to be proud of. We’ve got the continual whoring of everything around gameday (this degrading comment brought to you by Auto Owners, official insurance company named Auto Owners of Golden Gopher Football), shitty media coverage, losing to rivals (all of whom are currently holding the 371 rivalry trophies we compete for, which is everyone we’ve ever played except Nebraska), and asking whom strongly dislikes Iowa due solely to athletic endeavors. But there’s one tradition I love that we get to partake in again this fall: this new coach we’ve got? This one? Yeah, he’s the one that’s going to lead us back to prominence.
Lou Holtz John Gutenkunst Jim Wacker Glen Mason Tim Brewster Jeff Horton Jerry Kill Tracy Claeys P.J. Fleck is really the one. He’s already demonstrated that he can walk on water (Yeah, it was in Minnesota in February, but he did it) and he could probably turn water into wine if he tried, but his wife hasn’t asked that he make this his Destiny yet. He can build a team and recruit and develop a culture of accountability and do a whole lot of other things all those other guys before him since 1967 haven’t been able to do. Not only that, but all those rivals I mentioned before? Their coaches suck compared to <insert new coaches name here>. They’re not as energetic or cagey as this guy. We’re gonna ascend to Pasadena soon. Enjoy the last few fleeting moments of enjoying your autumns, everybody in the B1G West. Once P.J. gets back from wandering the desert, he’s going to go into the temple in madison next fall and turn over their tables (and take back the slab of bacon) while cleansing the place of evildoers. Besides, it’s about time that place got hit with a little fire and brimstone. In fact, the only concern will be the size of the fireball when the air around that shithole ignites. I can’t wait until he starts listing off the woes of those Pharisees in Lincoln. Releasing red balloons is bad for the environment, sinners. And if he were to feed 5,000 in West Lafayette, all the Purdue fans at the game would have leftovers for a week! Yea verily, Peejus saves.
Anyway, if this wrong, we’ll just crucify him and bring in the next savior of Gopher Football. He’s probably a false prophet anyway. Does anyone have the phone number for Barabbas’s agent?