Today is supposedly Wisconsin hate day, but I just can't fancy why that should be a thing. The lovely people of Wisconsin are not only the sweetest, gentlest dandies on the planet, but they are also the purveyors of the finest spirits this great world has ever known.
Yes, you know what I speak of. The nectar of the gods. The honey of love. The candy shandy. Linieungklurrgellenn's Summer Shandy.
Now, I know Wisconsin has beaten some of your teams. Heck, they haven't been that bad lately. For a state full of gentlest, most beautiful, gayest of all the world's people, they field a remarkably formidable football squad.
Yes, they rely on finesse and subtlety. Yes, they behave more like a fancy European futbol team. Yes, their opulent displays of emotion are stridently opposed to the traditional stoic Midwestern visage, but you have to love this bunch.
Look, a few years back the lithe people of Wisconsin graced us with the first of Leininyergdklugen's Shandy and the world was happy. Perhaps it wasn't a coincidence that this coincided with the temporal rise of their football and basketball cohorts from the ranks of the mediocre.
But, just like their finesse offense, delicate defensive structures, and their most snowflake-unique special teams have evolved above the traditional Big Ten "3 yards and a cloud of dust" manifesto, so has their shandy game.
Orange Shandy? Divine, just like the people of Madison.
Cocoa Shandy? Fabulous, like the people of Green Bay.
Grapefruit Shandy? Just sublime. With delicate notes of flavor and resplendent bouquets of aroma, just like the wondrously nuanced and unabashedly flowery folk who populate Camp Randall for every jump around.
Yes, Wisconsin is a state that should be treasured and a football tradition that should be protected. They feel their feelings harder than the rest of us. Those gentle winters and bucolic summers combine to create magnificently sweet people, untouched by the hardships of the rest of the world. Just like the wondrous shandy that arrives from their shores.
Today, on a day that we should hate, Wisconsin and it's Lunderklugferrzeendkqquilen shandy reminds us that we should love. Love with all our hearts and our souls and our dancing and our expression of non-traditional gender norms.
Thank you Wisconsin. Thank you Lingeklarballs. You make this world a better place.