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2017 Predictions and Previews: wisconsin badgers

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A quick look at wisconsin from OTE’s biggest fan of badger youth in Asia.

Jesus Christ! RUN! HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!
Photo by Michael Cohen/Getty Images

I. Case History/Opening Statement

A. Case History

“THE GREATEST 11-3 SEASON SINCE THE LAST TIME wisconsin WENT 11-3!” “B1G WEST CHAMPS AGAIN!” “13 IN A ROW!” “FLECK IS THE PERFECT NEW MINESOTA COACH BECAUSE HE ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO LOSE TO wisconsin.”

And various other crap that nobody really cares about.

B. Opening Statement

Hello, friends. I’m WhiteSpeedReceiver. You may know me as the person who “writes” for this esteemed blog who hates wisconsin more than the entire rest of the collective put together. I can already hear you asking “then why are you writing it, you idiot?”, so allow me to explain. I joked last week in my Minnesota preview that I was going to fill in for Speth. And sure enough, he’s in a gutter somewhere wisconsin and I need to fill in to get this beautiful #CONTENT out.

Anyway. Let’s talk about the case for and against wisconsin. They’re going to do the same boring shit they did last year, and occasionally find new ways to surprise. The fans, as a whole, would be the worst collection of human being I’ve ever been exposed to if I wouldn’t have watched that Trump propoganda last night. There are no redeeming qualities about anyone associated with the program, and I implore this war crimes tribunal to grant a summary execution of my client. Thank you and good day.

II. Discovery

A. What we’ve written about fuck wisconsin in the offseason.

Cocktail Party

Offense Potluck

The Visitor’s Guide to madison

A Love Letter to Paul Chryst

Ray’s Inexcusable Love Letter to wisconsin

Defense Potluck

Traditions

Special Teams Potluck

wisconsin’s Value to the B1G and Humanity

We Hate wisconsin

Sure seems a little thin, and that’s with fans of other teams doing over half the lifting. I guess that’s what happens when there are so few literate people available in a fanbase to work for the massive BlogBucks we pay.

B. What we can learn about fuck wisconsin from pop culture.

As wisconsin is 20 years behind the rest of pretty much the entirety of civilization, we’re going to skip this. I don’t feel like making a joke about the Spice Girls or the relationship between badger fans and the Titanic. But if there is one thing to look forward to, all y’all are going to absolutely LOVE the video for Jamiroquai’s Virtual Insanity. It’s going to blow your minds.

III. Closing Statement

Friends, once again wisconsin is being projected as the favorite to win the B1G West. Pay no attention to the fact that there isn’t really a good QB (because there never is), or that the RB mediocrity will be hidden by the size (and uncalled holding) of a massive OL. While Jazz Peavy had a few moments he’s not really that special either, and I can’t really put my finger on why I don’t really think Troy Fumagalli is any better than “pretty good.” But knowing the luck of humanity, the sum of the whole will far exceed the sum of the parts. And the defense? I’ve been told that Jim Leonhard and his two years of coaching experience will immediately be able to step in and lead the defense with no hiccups or dropoff at all because of the leadership of Jack Cichy (whoops) and the other returning players. It doesn’t matter because wisconsin will be good because wisconsin is always good, right?

IV. Schedule of Events

Fuck wisconsin
Fuck wisconsin

Remember how I said that Minnesota’s schedule looked really soft? This is worse. They’ll lose to Michigan, and then their toughest games are at Nebraska (in a matchup of coaching dullards that could be unrivaled in B1G play for decades to come!), at Minnesota (HURR DURR 14 IN A ROW!!), and at a BYU team that will be coming off games against LSU and Utah. It’s time to start recording that “How to talk to your kids about a 10-0 wisconsin” now to avoid having to rush to do it at the last minute.

V. Record Prediction

Fuck wisconsin
Fuck wisconsin

Sometimes you have one idiot that gets a bit overzealous and predicts that every coin flip will come up tails. Last year I did it with Michigan, and this year is a return to bucky. Outside of my thinly veiled contempt, everybody’s thinking around 2 losses. Go ahead and book your non-refundable airfare to Orlando now.