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Pre-Season Power Poll: Quiz-A-Palooza!

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Ranking the Big Ten’s Teams Before Anyone Has Played A Game!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year—the first week of college football! You’ve been waiting (not very patiently) for months to get your fix, and now, all that waiting has nearly paid off. To get you through the few remaining days before kickoff, you get a special treat this week—another issue of B1G Beat magazine! You loved last year’s, so this time we’ve brought it back with a special twist—nothing but quizzes for you and your favorite team! So grab a pen, sit back with your issue of B1G Beat, and prepare to find out what your (and Minnesota’s) flirting style is!

Ohio State—Does He Really Love You? (#1)

As always, thanks to Nate Peterson for doing a great job with the graphs!

You and your boyfriend have been together for awhile now, and I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious. You remember the halcyon days of your early relationship in 2012, when he was the hottest babe in town and no one dreamed he’d really pick you. But he did! And the good times have been great—National Championship-level great. He looks amazing on your arm as you strut about the country. But in the past year, cracks have appeared in your relationship. You didn’t win the division. You didn’t score a point in your big-time bowl game. And while you’re still as in love with him as ever, you’re beginning to fear that the strain might prove too much and tempt him to stray. You need to know now—Does He Really Love You?

Penn State—What’s Your Prom Dress Style? (#2)

For a few years there, no one thought you’d ever show your face at prom again. You were disgraced horribly, and then when you got a cute new boyfriend against all odds, he up and left you in short order for the NFL. But bless your hearts, you didn’t let it get you down, and now you’re back and ready to PARTY. Last season showed us that you were not the wallflower we expected you to be—what’s more, you’ve lately blossomed into a bit of a drama queen, insisting that everyone else at prom pay you homage, or suffer your wrath. We expect more of the same from you this year, as you’ve declared yourself officially #BACK--so only one question remains: What Will You Be Wearing to Prom?

Michigan—Which Kardashian Are You? (#3)

If the Kardashian-Jenner Kollective were a school, they would be the University of Michigan. Quell your howls of protest—it’s true. Yes, Michigan is a world-class institution, while it’s highly likely that fewer than 50% of the Kardashians can spell “book.” But consider also: both have self-annointed themselves as American darlings. Both draw widespread ire and contempt, but still apparently have enough fans to earn money hand over fist. Both have had weird/cringey moments concerning a beverage in the past year. Both empires are helmed by tireless self-promoters who make most normal people feel very uncomfortable. And so, having established that if the Kardashians were a school, they would most definitely be Michigan, we now must turn the tables and ask: Which Kardashian is Michigan?

Wisconsin—What’s Your Party Personality? (#4)

The first team on this list to actually win its most recent game, Wisconsin earned a bit of off-season celebration. However, they’ve had some sad moments as well—they lost a quarterback who was named “Bart,” and they’ve also lost several linebackers for the season, which is probably a bigger issue, to be honest. Is it possible that these sobering developments have fundamentally changed who the Badgers are, and their play style? In 2017, we need to know: What’s Wisconsin’s Party Personality?

Northwestern—Which Mean Girls Character Are You? (#5)

At first glance, Northwestern doesn’t seem all that mean—after all, they’ve never run up the score into the 80s (Wisconsin), quasi-bankrupted a steak chain while bullying Rutgers (Michigan), or crushed the Big Ten’s top team in merciless, scoreless fashion in a major bowl game (Clemson). But that’s the thing about Girl World—the meanness is more subtle and insidious. Does your sense of superiority derive from the awesome butler your parents hired for you? Or is it a result of being the offspring of the man who invented Toaster Strudel? Let us know, Northwestern: are you a Regina, a Gretchen, or a Cady?

Nebraska—Which Historical Era Do You Belong In? (#6)

There are simply some people who seem like they’d be more at home in another era. Perhaps it is their style choices or their values that give this impression. Maybe it is their behavior. Many such people scratch this itch by getting deep into historical costuming, cultivating a personal library concerning their favored time period, or by joining a reenacting group. Others become the leaders of powerful nations in order to indulge their dream of living life as an eighteenth century European monarch with tertiary syphilis. So Nebraska—Which Historical Era Do You Belong In?

Iowa—Are You In Love Or Are You Just Afraid of Being Alone? (#7)

It happens more often than you think—someone convinces themselves they’re really and truly in love—when everyone around them can see that the relationship isn’t THAT great, it’s simply that the persons involved fear the risk of going through life alone, or facing a potentially disastrous relationship when they try again. The stability and familiarity of a long-time partner, no matter what you have to do for him or what you have to pay him to stick around, seems of little importance. He’s there for you, and you can show up to in-state functions with your little brother with your head held high, as he shows up with his latest disaster of a girlfriend. That’s totally true love, right? Take our quiz to find out!

Minnesota—What’s Your Flirting Style? (#8)

Eh Minnesota, went and traded in the Big Man for a hot new bronco from Kalamazoo, eh? And like someone who has dropped 80 lbs, you can’t stop wiggling and jiggling what you’ve got in front of everyone who happens by. It seems you’re trying to make the other teams jealous of your hot new bod, but that’s nothing compared to how you’re teasing and tantalizing your own fanbase. Right now, they can’t get enough of you, and you’re promising them the moon. I think we already know your flirting style, but take the quiz anyway, you naughty, naughty Gopher.

Indiana—Which Wedding Party Member Are You? (#9)

Ah weddings. The Bride. The Groom. The Best Man. The Maid of Honor. Flower Children! Parents of the Bride! There are so many people milling about, and elaborate rules for who is most visible and most important, but they all make up the traditional wedding tableau. In the grand celebration that is the Big Ten football season, what part is there for an Indiana to play? Bride and groom are probably out, but surely you have a place—Which Wedding Party Member Are You, Indiana?

Michigan State—Are You Too Nice? (#10)

We know what’s up with you, MSU. After years and years of “Thugtans” slurs and accusations of “dirty play,” you decided that enough was enough, and totally reinvented yourselves! Now, not only are you not playing dirty, but you’re barely playing anything at all! But you have to wonder if this “letting other teams win all the time” thing has gone one too long. You need to stop and ask yourself—Am I TOO Nice?

Maryland—What’s Your Dating Superpower? (#11)

Let’s be honest—it’s tough out there in the dating world. Swiping in every which direction, deciding who gets to pay for what, figuring out how to tell the other person you really do literally just want to watch Netflix and chill... phew. And this is relevant to you, Maryland, because you’re still hooking up with 13 new schools and trying to figure out if you should keep seeing each other. It’s a tall order, Maryland—so you’d best find out: What’s Your Dating Superpower?

Illinois—What TV Series Should You Binge Watch Over Winter Break? (#12)

You know what you won’t be doing over Winter Break, Illinois? Going to a bowl game. Sorry. But the good news is, this is the perfect time to binge-watch a fun new show! Will it be a classic comedy? An intense prestige drama you missed out on the first time around? Something with tasteful corsetry from the BBC? The TV world is your oyster, because you’re sure as heck not going to watch stupid Indiana in the stupid Foster Farms stupid Bowl, are you? Hmmph. So stock up on snacks and grab your Snuggie, Illinois—because we’ve got the answers to your TV riddle.

Purdue—Who Is Your Disney Prince Dream Date? (#13)

Purdue, we know you’d love to date a Disney Prince. How do we know this? Well, you’ve already aligned yourself with a cartoon character with freakishly large eyes and a cutesy name, so evidence suggests this is kind of your thing—even if Purdue Pete looks more Disney villain than Disney prince. So lose that creepazoid, and take this quiz to find your new prince!

Rutgers—Why Are You Still Single? (#14)

“I just don’t get it. You’re so great—why are you still single and unloved?” This is a sentence that has never been uttered to Rutgers, because frankly, it’s not all that hard to understand why no one wants to be with them. But in an act of kindness, we’ve made you a quiz anyway, Rutgers, so you can carefully select answers that will skew your results to “My Standards Are Just Too High!” and feel a little better about why you are alone.