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Sherman’s March: Dan Dakich is Completely Useless

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General Sherman issues a warrant for Dan Dakich’s arrest

NCAA Basketball: Indiana at Maryland Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

Greetings fellow Union supporters, and welcome back to SHERMAN’S MARCH TO THE SEA. For those unfamiliar, SHERMAN’S MARCH is a column where I identify enemies of the state and eviscerate them with the fury of the RAGING INFERNO OF HADES THAT USED TO BE ATLANTA.

Today’s installment concerns the actions of the insurgent coward, Dan Dakich. Anyone who’s paid even the slightest attention to him knows that DAKICH IS AN INTOLERABLE FUCKWEASEL. His loathsome demeanor is most likely caused by a combination of factors, including having spent time around Bob Knight and shame from spending 10 YEARS AS A HEAD BASKETBALL COACH WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT EXCEPT TWO FIRST-ROUND NIT EXITS. The only thing more pitiful than Dakich’s coaching record is his belief that he’s owed even the smallest morsel of respect from any of us.

On Sunday evening, Dakich felt it necessary to engage in a public quarrel with a former captain of the Hoosier Division, one Zander Diamont.

Zander was able to put that ASS GASKET in his place with great effectiveness, but still...why come after a random twenty-something no longer in the public eye for making a random comment instead of simply ignoring him? BECAUSE DAN DAKICH IS A REPUGNANT PISS TWIZZLER, THAT’S WHY.

This isn’t the first time Dakich has attacked one of our own. Earlier this year, he picked a fight with former Badger lieutenant Frank Kaminsky after Frank stepped in to defend a teammate Dakich was ripping into.

Before that, Spartan General Tom Izzo was forced to respond to Mr. Dakich after he went on a Twitter tirade against his regiment.

THAT ANTHROPOMORPHIC SHIT HAMMOCK even besieged General McCaffery of the Iowa regiment after McCaffery defended one of his players from yet another petulant tirade Dan felt the need to lob at someone 30 years his junior.

Mr. Dakich has relentlessly attacked many members of our fine Union. His words and actions have forced me to label him an enemy of the state. I’d tell him this myself, but he’s such a delicate little shitgibbon that HE BLOCKED OUR GREAT EMPIRE ON TWITTER.

Like a sailor lost at sea who sends a message in a bottle off into the abyss, I will now write Dan an open letter and cast it off into the void of the internet in the hopes that it will reach his shores.

Dan,

You are a hulking, slack-jawed douchecopter. You’re objectively the worst thing about college sports and everyone hates you. You are the torn ACL on the knee of sportscasting. God wasted an asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.

Maybe instead of picking fights with everyone who dares look cockeyed upon your face, you should ask yourself if maybe they’re only staring because you look like Peyton Manning’s fatter, older, dumber brother.

Why ESPN continues to put up with your tired bullshit is the greatest mystery in sports since that time Deadspin decided to find out whether or not Manti Te’o had a hot girlfriend. You’re a loudmouthed twizzledick with insecurities that run so deep you attack 20 year olds just to pretend you have a notch in the win column. If being an undignified chucklefuck were a crime, you’d be Tony fucking Montana.

No one cares what you have to say because your basketball commentary is somehow even more mediocre than your coaching record. Your opinions don’t matter to anyone for the same reason that Bozo the Clown’s don’t either; because you’re a pathetic fucking sideshow that nobody respects. The last time I saw something as unremarkable as you, I flushed it.

Kindly fuck off.

Sincerely,
General William Tecumseh Sherman.