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B1G Fashion: When Good Helmets Go Bad

We follow Minnesota’s Goldy helmet to its logical conclusion

By BigRedTwice
If this whole boat rowing experiment goes sideways, this may be the Goldy helmet of the future.

When Minnesota announced yesterday that in honor of Goldy Gopher’s birthday (who even knew Goldy had a birthday? Giant foam rodents—they’re just like us!) the football team would be wearing cartoon festooned lids on Saturday, Twitter predictably caught the fever:

OTE opinion is, so far, split. Some like them, and find the use of a gopher tail as a stripe a pleasing creative flourish. The rest of us think them evocative of a small child’s bicycle helmet.

You are 90% of the way there, Minny.
walmart.com

Naturally, this important controversy got us thinking: what if, like those first alternate uniforms sported by Oregon eons ago that made different uniforms every week the norm in college football, this bold pro-rodent representation by Minnesota spawns a mania for mascot-inspired headgear? What might this look like for our favorite Big Ten teams?

Turns out, it would be as disastrous as you think.

To everyone’s (not so) great surprise, Maryland has already gone there. In a way, this one actually makes sense—a turtle’s shell is a hard protective layer that protects the squishy animal underneath. This is precisely the dictionary definition of a helmet! It was perhaps inevitable, then, that the “shelmet” was born:

Part modern art, part wonder of the animal kingdom.
247 Sports

Alas, this is where things stop making sense for the Big Ten. The animal-based mascots aren’t so bizarre, and though none incorporated a tail stripe like Minnesota, Iowa did manage to add a little something special to their “Hawkeye.”

ANF
BigRedTwice

Northwestern’s theme for the season is apparently “mailing it in,” as their version is decidedly uninspiring:

The other side features Northwestern’s alternate mascot, Tommy the Tarp.
BigRedTwice

Though not for everyone, I suspect Rutgers’ helmets will have some fans, unlike their football team:

Prepared for!
BigRedTwice

Those who lacked a cuddly mascot had to get a little more creative, instead choosing points of state pride, or weirdly, foes they have yet to vanquish. Ohio State, rather than taking the expected Brutus route, which would have worked well given the fact that he already features a round head, instead chose to celebrate Ohio’s favorite haircut in a heartwarming salute to their fanbase:

Even MacGyver never looked this good.
BigRedTwice

Indiana, no stranger to creative helmeting as the pioneers of chrome dome-stripes, chose an interesting message. Instead of wearing the monkey on their backs, they have instead chosen to wear their monkey on their heads, no doubt a psychological trick designed to somehow get them that elusive Big Win:

Hey Hoosiers! Only a mile more! That’s good, right?
BigRedTwice

To no one’s great surprise, Illinois didn’t really understand the assignment. But improbably, this resulted in the greatest Illinois-related moment of all time:

I would become an Illinois fan for life if these helmets actually existed.
BigRedTwice

But for most of those with humanoid mascots, the helmets begin to get predictably creepier:

Ok, but just picture a whole sideline of these.
BigRedTwice

Michigan State, to their credit, added a fun bit of trophy game pizzazz to what would otherwise just be a picture of an angry man on the side of a helmet:

Dantonios with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.
BigRedTwice

Still, we can’t help wishing others would have stuck with whimsy instead of... not whimsy.

Ok, just keep the plain white helmets. PLEASE.
BigRedTwice

As for Nebraska... well, only one good thing can be said about these, and that is that they didn’t incorporate Lil’ Red. Still...these were a no good, very bad idea.

I know Nebraska is hard up for celebrities, but if you had to go that route, couldn’t you have at least gone with Gabrielle Union?
BigRedTwice

Speaking of WTF’ery, here’s Purdue:

NSFW. Or children. Or planet Earth.
BigRedTwice

In my opinion, only one Big Ten school really nailed it. A masterpiece of realism, as well as an homage to the festive nature of a sporting event, Wisconsin’s Bucky Badger helmet is all that a mascot helmet could hope to be:

Well done, Badgers. Bucky has never looked better!
BigRedTwice

Poll

Which helmet would you most like to see on a B1G sideline?

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    "Pride of Iowa" Tattoo Helmet
    (25 votes)
  • 1%
    Willie the Wildcat
    (7 votes)
  • 15%
    Rutgers Leaning Into It
    (100 votes)
  • 4%
    The Mulleted Buckeye
    (30 votes)
  • 0%
    Indiana Tries to Psych Out the Hump
    (1 vote)
  • 20%
    Illinois’ Badass Lincoln Helmet
    (134 votes)
  • 3%
    Michigan’s Harbaugh Frenzy
    (25 votes)
  • 7%
    Laserzzzzz
    (48 votes)
  • 3%
    NoPa
    (22 votes)
  • 2%
    Nebraska’s Larry the Cable Guy Try
    (17 votes)
  • 13%
    Purdue’s Soul Stealing Helmets
    (87 votes)
  • 10%
    Bucky Badger
    (67 votes)
  • 12%
    None of these! What hast thou wrought, Minnesota?
    (82 votes)
645 votes total Vote Now