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YOU ASKED! WE ANSWERED! Week 5 Mailbag!

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You did your part, we did ours. Now it’s your turn to suffer again.

Mail questions came from far and wide - EVEN FROM THE AFTERLIFE!
Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images

You asked and we answered. Any terrible answers are Speth’s fault.

How many Iowa fans are still in full surrender cobra from Saturday night? To what degree do surrender cobra tears taste better? -FrothyGopher (FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!)

MNW: If I’m being honest, the surrender cobra has lost some of its cache since ESPN and other announcing teams picked up on it and have taken to actively commenting on its deployment. I don’t need to hear you say “and the surrender cobras are out in Boise!” Adnan Birk, I can see it as the camera pans a student section of forlorn smurfs. Let me bask as the audio feed from Kinnick is stunned silence and the *thud* of Trace McSorley punting a football. That’s all I need.

LPW: I also agree with MNW that the time of the surrender cobra is in the past. I think a lot of Iowa fans are still dejected by the loss on saturday.

Speth: As much as I love to see dejected Iowa fans, the surrender cobra has been overplayed. Much like any Imagine Dragons song ever.

Creighton: My arms still haven’t come down from full cobra, but my tears are pretty bitter so I wouldn’t recommend tasting them.

WSR: Who cares? If there aren’t any fans like Creighton, the answer is “not enough.”

What team in the Quadrangle of Hate goes the most bonkers if Bret Bielema is hired by Nebraska? - AZBadger03

BRT: I can see Nebraska’s next HC search going a lot of silly directions… but I have a hard time seeing it going toward Bert. That said, I’ll indulge this for the sake of argument. Minnesota is already bonkers, thanks to a steady intake of Dr. PJ’s Feel Good Tyme Magic Awesome Tonic, so they probably are out. I also find Iowa unlikely--while at one point, they may have hoped to hire Bert when Kirk retires, I think most Hawkeyes have come to terms with the fact that even in 2075, they will be watching football games with Kirk Ferentz’s cryogenically frozen body on the sidelines as the titular head coach. So that leaves Wisconsin and Nebraska. Husker fans are already pretty bonkers, but I expect that reaction to hiring Bert would be a split between pro-Bert and con-Bert. I think the answer is really Wisconsin--this would deeply piss them off (as it would any fanbase who had a coach leave and then return to coach a divisional school.) For the record, I would be very disappointed if Bert and his karma-spewing wife came to Nebraska. I don’t think it’s a good fit, and I don’t like him at all. Arkansas is a perfect place for him, and he should stay there.

LPW: I think Wisconsin fans will go nuts .

Speth: As much as people want to believe Wisconsin fans would go nuts, I for one would love to see Bert coaching a Quadrangle team (Nebraska or otherwise) since he has proven an inability to win more than 8 games without the Program Barry Built. Or more than 8 without Paul Chryst as his offensive coordinator. If I remember correctly the 2011 team had an amazing offense and a crap defense. Advantage Chryst. That being said, it would be interesting to see if beating the crap out of his old boss might be just what we need to see anything resembling emotion out of Paul Chryst in a press conference.

Creighton: Definitely Nebraska. I think everyone else will be completely and thoroughly amused.

WSR: Oh, it’s definitely wisconsin. Bielema isn’t a shit coach, and an escape from the SEC is probably just what the doctor ordered. The hilarity of Bielema dragging Nebraska past wisconsin, and new coaches taking a couple other program back past the badgers to where they belong would lead to one of two things: drunken outrage or a return to apathy. Or both. Drunken apathy?

Who will win a Big Ten game first....Illinois Football or Illinois Hockey - gopherguy05

LPW: Illinois Hockey

Speth: Whoa whoa whoa pump the breaks, Illinois plays Rutgers October 14th. If the question is two conference games then the answer is Illinois hockey, but that wasn't the question. So Illinois football, because Rutgers now and forever will be Rutgers.

Creighton: It finally happened. Illinois is the new Purdue.

WSR: Illinois (club) hockey. They open the season against Ohio on October 10th and 11th.

Why do people like Nutella? – IceIceThatGuy13

BRT: Because they have tastebuds and like finding joy in life?

LPW: Because unlike me, they can eat it?

Speth: I can honestly say I've never had Nutella. This isn't WW2 and milk chocolate isn't in short supply. Peanut Butter>>>>>>some crap with hazelnut in it. Don't @ me

Creighton: Because it’s sweet and chocolaty and delicious and it compliments wheat toast better than peanut butter. What the hell have you ever done to improve wheat toast?

What’s it like to have a healthy starting quarterback? – Turtle Shell

BRT: You know, it is sometimes a lot less positive than you might think.

LPW: Wonderful!

Speth: #Horni4Heisman. Seriously I'll be the first to say I'm not the biggest fan of his arm strength, but if he can do what he did against BYU and takes the throws he can make, he's ridiculously accurate and this is the deepest group of receivers Wisconsin has had in awhile.

Creighton: It’s awesome and you guys should try it some time. I prefer to watch my season fall apart one week at a time rather than having it completely shattered in an instant.

WSR: I wish Maryland nothing but the best of luck nurturing their QBs back to health. May the horse placentas work wonders. (PLEASE DON’T SMITE ME, CFB GODS!)

Will Nebraska finish the season with more pick-sixes or more wins? – danny_stew

BRT: I am so, so sad that this question is hard to answer. What are we at, three of the former and two of the latter? Oof. Regrettably, I think the trend is pointing toward more pick-sixes. I’m going to go eat a jar of comfort Nutella now.

LPW: I think more pick sixes.

Speth: How many more games does Tanner Lee start? Also how bad are Nebraska’s backup QBs? Surely they can at least tackle after throwing interceptions? As for the question, I'll say pick sixes.

Creighton: This was an amazing question and I think we all know it’s gonna be pick-sixes. #DeployIllinois..no.....#IllAnnoy?….come back to me I can do better.

WSR: Pick sixes. Insert the stupid joke about “How bad are these other guys that they couldn’t beat out Tanner Lee” here.

Will Purdue-Nebraska be the game that determines who finishes 7th in the B1G West? And why will that team be Nebraska? – HoyaJerkface

BRT: Ask me after Friday. But honestly, did you mean Illinois-Nebraska? Because I think Purdue will definitely be able to snag some conference wins this season. I’d be very surprised if they finished seventh, instead of Illinois or Nebraska. And yes, typing this answer made me every bit as depressed as you hoped it would when you asked it, you meanie.

LPW: It might not be the PandemoNium game, but rather Nebraska vs Illinois. I think Illinois will end up in the shitter this year.

Speth: I'm calling it right now, Purdue finds a way to finish 4th in the division. Michigan might have the best defense in the country again and Purdue’s defense held its ground until Purdue’s offense getting literally zero yards in the 3rd quarter broke them down. The real answer is Illinois finishes 7th.

Creighton: Runza stock is going to skyrocket when Nebraskans start trying to eat their sorrows away.

WSR: Naw. Illinois’ got it locked up already.

Who should win the Heisman?

A. Saquon B.

B. S. Barkley

C. PSU RB #26

D. Other

--Alvis and the Chipmunks

Speth: WHAT ABOUT #HORNI4HEISMAN DO YOU PEOPLE NOT GET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Also no Heisman is going to a running back on a team that doesn't even win its division. No running back has won the award without being on a national championship team since Ron Dayne.

Creighton: Does Ryker Fyfe still have eligibility?

WSR: Yeah, yeah. It’s probably Barkley. The guy who has the best shot right now (assuming injury or dropoff or something) would be Bryce Love.

Does the QB whisperer not know who the best QB on his own roster is, or what?

--Noted Dog Hater Jon Ross

Speth: Paul Chryst knows exactly who his QB is. #Horni4Heisman

Creighton: Speth is pushing a weird narrative about the Heisman trophy, so let me fill in for his normal answer. It dOEsn’T MAtTeR beCaUSE wiSCoNSiN CouLD wiN 10 gaMEs bY StArTiNg A ONe leGgED gIBBon aT quArTerBACk

Which current Big Ten coach has the best coaching tree? --Badgers & Bruins

MNW: I wanted to say Urban, but there’s so much dead weight on that tree, and even the vaguely impressive non-Tom Herman coaches (Charlie Strong, Steve Addazio for being quasi-not-abysmal at BC, Kevin Wilson) have red flags, that I can’t redeem the bit on Doc Holliday, Dan Mullen, and Kyle Whittingham.

No, I’ll take HARBAUGH and a more streamlined but efficient list: Derek Mason, Willie Taggart, David Shaw. Sure, there’s Mike Sanford and Brian Polian, but there’s less cringing and holding my nose overall.

Also, one of the saddest things I’ve seen today is the “Coaching Tree” section on Pat Fitzgerald’s page: it is just Garrick McGee, UAB flameout-turned-Illinois OC. Maybe Fitz is going for more of a REVENGE TREE kind of thing.

Speth: None of them? Seriously, there's a really shallow pool of candidates here. I mean the two longest tenured coaches don't turn coordinators into head coaches. Does Chryst get credit for Justin Wilcox? I mean Meyer has had the most head coaches so I guess him?

WSR: This is an ugly question right now. Man, there are not a lot of leafs on these trees.

Which B1G (non-rival’s) football program do you hate the most, and why? Even for the most trivial of reasons? Would prefer specifics. --EPIC IOWA

BRT: Purdue, for sanctioning Purdue Pete. I realize that’s rich talk for a school with the abomination that is Lil’ Red, but I think that if Lil’ Red attacked me, I could stab him with something sharp and let him deflate, which is a thought that brings me joy. If Purdue Pete attacked me, I’d probably pee my pants and pass out. Dude is MESSED UP.

LPW: I dislike rutger and Maryland for taking away games against other teams in the east.

Speth: Well I'll rule out all the Quadrangle teams because that's too easy and ruins the spirit of the question. I'll say Ohio State because if it wasn't for OSU Wisconsin is far and away the most successful Big Ten program the last 20 years and cost us a shot at playing for the 2012 natty.

Creighton: Penn State. Their fans have a constant need to be validated and told how good their team is, but the biggest reason is the narrative about how much they had to overcome to get to where they are today. Give it a rest. Your sanctions weren’t handed out arbitrarily. You earned them, and if anything you got off incredibly easy.

Candystripes: Wisconsin. 83-20. You need any more specifics than that, you can go find them yourself.

WSR: I don’t really hate anyone that isn’t wisconsin. Purdue irritates me because there have been way too many stupid games that we’ve lost when we should have won but shot ourselves in the foot for one reason or another.

Did Iowa just show everybody how to take away the YOLOball and turn Penn State's offense into Saquon Barkley plus some other guys? Follow up: Which teams remaining on PSU’s schedule can and will do the same? --Hollywood Hawk Hogan

Speth: I mean I'd say so. Well Michigan can and absolutely will. OSU has the talent to match up with them across the field. Should chaos reign and they play Wisconsin in Indy I have way more faith in this year’s secondary.

Creighton: The more I think about that game, the weirder it is. Saquon had a game for the ages, and Penn State only mustered 2 touchdowns. That’s going to be hard to repeat. Someone is going to have to find out how to stop Saquon himself. Iowa actually defended him about as well as anyone could without making themselves excessively vulnerable to the passing game. I guess try to do that?

WSR: Yes. The key is to have outstanding LBs (to slow Barkley and burn clock) and a good enough defense to not get burned for an 80 yard TD pulled out of somebody’s ass. There are a couple teams out there capable of that, two of which are still on PSU’s regular season schedule.

As a UMd fan, I have one question: Is it possible to score negative points in a B1G football game? --duck

BRT: Rutgers has given it their all many times, but since even they have not yet achieved that, I think the answer is, sadly, no.

LPW: Nope, not possible. If it were, Northwestern would’ve done it in the dark ages.

Speth: Well, no. Wisconsin/Maryland would be a great time for Maryland to test this theory though.

Creighton: Tanner Lee is going to figure that out, or die trying.

Candystripes: If we haven’t done it already, it can’t be done.

WSR: Can I let you know Saturday afternoon? I feel like you won’t get to 11, but it’d be interesting to see if we can get you to negative points.

How soon after Saquon Barkley's college career ends does James Franklin's career end? --Detigers09

BRT: Five minutes, give or take three.

LPW: I don’t think that will happen.

Speth: Meh, I think Franklin can probably survive losing Barkley. He's got all the Coach Hype vibe still.

Creighton: They’ll cling to him for a while and put up with a few 6 or 7 win seasons in the hopes that he turns out to be the next Paterno (the Paterno they invented in their minds, not the actual Paterno who was a wretched, morally bankrupt cretin)

WSR: Not immediately. Joe Moorhead will probably take a job after this season, and then PSU has got to pay him for a few more years. Then he’ll latch on to another job somewhere (I’m guessing mid-tier ACC), and finally maybe a non P5 program.

Over the past five years, whom have the football gods hated most: Iowa RBs, MSU O-linemen, or MD QBs? (Addition: Purdue ACLs) --greenie71

LPW: Iowa Running Backs.

Speth: Maryland QBs. Sure the football gods have hated Iowa RBs longer, but they've never left Iowa’s backfield so decimated they had to use a linebacker at running back.

Stew: Sam Brownlee couldn’t play LB.

babaoreally: Maryland QBs. If we are talking ten years instead of five, it has to be Purdue. But you said five years. (Ed. Note: Greenie didn’t include Purdue in the initial question, someone else commented and did, so I threw it in there as an option.)

Creighton: AIRBHG has been a little quiet these last few years (/KNOCKS ON WOOD UNTIL HIS HAND IS A BLOODY STUMP) , but I think Maryland “beat” the Hawkeyes in this contest.

Candystripes: Counterpoint: Indiana fans’ hearts, stomachs, and livers.

WSR: It’s Maryland QBs. Hopefully they’ve got a wrestler laying around somewhere that they can plug in.

Which is the better phrase to use this year: Row the Boat, or Rhoda Boat. (And why?)

--bewilder2

BRT: “Rhoda Boat” gets points for creativity and top-notch punning, but it loses points for focusing too much on a Minnesota quarterback, which, historically, has not been a character much worth celebrating.

babaoreally: Rhabdo oat.

Creighton: Maybe something that doesn’t involve trying to motivate grown men with an easy to remember catchphrase.

WSR: As a dad, it’s Rhoda Boat. And once again for everyone that’s still whimpering and whining about PJ, you are not the intended audience. I am not the intended audience.

BRT: “And once again for everyone that’s still whimpering and whining about PJ, you are not the intended audience.” Dude, you sound like a Penn State fan. This is how it starts, you know.

Speth: Row, row, row the boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily beating Wisconsin’s a dream.