Week 5 Picks and Predictions

Guess what! MNW kinda bricked his laptop! What does that mean? Well, very little in the grand scheme of things, save for me trying to recover shit and get it working again or get a suitable replacement.

That's really fun! That also means I'm pretty irritable and can't get at my picks graphics. So while I know y'all spend all week just WAITING for my shitty Excel spreadsheet picks graphics, you're gonna have blue balls. My bad.

Anyways, there's some shit this weekend. I don't mean that in the hip way the kids are using phrases like "ain't that some shit," mind you; I literally (2) mean these games are ass.

Nebraska at Illinois (+6.5) || 8:00pm ET || FS1

SU: Nebraska, 18-1 || ATS: Nebraska, 12-7

Nebraska covers: Everyone not listed below

Points: Aaron, BRT, DJ, Jesse, Nate, Stew

Illinois: babaoreally

BRT: Oh jeez. This is going to be such a bad game. I’m watching volleyball instead. And then doing anything else so I don’t have to watch. Hopefully the Huskers can grab another win here.

Creighton: Nebraska prevails in “The Race (for 6th place)”. Will Tanner Lee throw more touchdowns to Nebraska or Illi-you know what? I’m starting to get bored with making fun of Nebraska. You guys are boring. Fire Riley already so I can at least enjoy the hiring circus. Nebraska wins and covers.

Stew: I think Illinois will play sound enough defense to cause some concern to UNL, but UNL ends up with another uninspiring win.

Thump:

Dead Read: This game may be biblical, in that he may constitute the 11th plague. Nebby covers or stuff’s gonna get really weird.

Northwestern at Wisconsin (-15) || 12:00pm ET || ABC

SU: wisconsin, 19-0 || ATS: wisconsin, 11-8

wisconsin straight up: terrorists

Points: sensible people like MNW

'Cats: delusionals

BRT: I’d love to see the Wildkitties win this, mostly because the Badger reaction would be hilarious. Realistically, however, the Badgers will win rather easily, giving bartenders across the state the opportunity to imbue their lives meaning through the success of their chosen football team.

Creighton: I would have picked Northwestern to win before the season started. I hope they do, but I don’t see it happening. Nothing good ever happens in Wisconsin.

Stew: wisconsin’s first real test of the season, at least theoretically. I’m not a huge believer in what jNW has done so far, but I think they can at least make wisconsin (Hornibrook, anyway) uncomfortable.

Thump: Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly. Thorson will throw a touchdown, but to which team I’m not certain. Sconce.

Dead Read: I actually think this is the B1Gest game of the week. I predict that NW makes it interesting, but Wiscy wins and covers.

Maryland at Minnesota (-13) || 12:00pm ET || FS1

SU: Minnesota, 18-1 || ATS: Minnesota, 15-4

Minny rows to a cover: everyone not named below

Points: Creighton, GoForThree, James

Road turtles: babaoreally, who I'm not convinced isn't doing some weird performance art

BRT: A few weeks ago, this might have been an entertaining game, but Maryland’s bad luck has made this a lot less compelling than it might have been. The PJ Fleck Medicine Show rolls inexorably on.

Creighton: I’m still not sold on Fleck, but Maryland is down to their backup waterboy or whatever at quarterback. Gophers win, Terps cover.

Stew: I’m not sure if this big line is so much belief in Fleck, or the Terps’ woeful QB situation. Probably a bit of both. Boat rowers pull away late, but Maryland shows a bit of life on defense.

Thump: my goodness what a hideous slate of games. 17-3 sota.

Dead Read: Minny wins and covers. This would have been so much better of a game two Terp quarterbacks ago.

Indiana at Penn State (-18.5) || 3:30pm ET || BTN

SU: Nits, 19-0 || ATS: Nits, 12-7

State: those not shown below

State by less: Candy, Dead Read, Graham, Jesse, James (hah), LPW, Speth

Creightonon: I have no faith in Akron University - Bloomington’s ability to contain Saquon. PSU wins, probably runs up the score just because.

Stew: 17 points seems like an awful lot to swallow (TWSS), but I don’t think Indiana can keep up. Barkley has himself a day.

Thump: Loins many, Hoosiers few

Dead Read: PSU wins but doesn’t cover. I have no good explanation for why I feel this way.

Iowa at Michigan State (-3.5) || 4:00pm ET || FOX

SU: Iowa, 15-4 || ATS: Iowa, 15-4

Spartans: baba, GoForThree, Graham, LPW

Hoks: Aaron, BRT, DR, Candystripes, Creighton, DJ, James, Jesse, MNW, Nate, Stew, Speth, Thump, WSR, ZuzuRU

Shitbags who took points on a -3.5 spread: don't be that guy/gal

BRTRT: I haven’t watched a minute of MSU this year, and Iowa looked pretty good last week, so I’ll give them the nod. However, a big Hawkeye hangover wouldn’t shock me either.

Creighton: Sparty’s student section will empty out after halftime, so hopefully Iowa wins by enough points that the students won’t miss anything. I’m still a little surprised that MSU is favored, but whatever.

Stew: This’ll be an ugly, bloodbath. Against another team, I think there would be more of a letdown for Iowa, but I think they outlast MSU in a very #B1G game.

Thump: I think Iowa’s the better team, but this has “punters duel” written all over it.

DJ: Thump, which Iowa game doesn’t have “punters duel” written all over it?

Dead Read: Flounder is coming to town, and I think he’s gonna kick Chip Diller’s ass.

Ohio State at rutger (-30) || 7:30pm ET || BTN

SU: not even Zu || ATS: OSU, 15-4

no one wished to attach their name to this nonsense

BRT: I see more “sad Chris Ash gifs” forthcoming.

Creighton: JT Barrett hasn’t turned out to be the quarterback we all thought he would be, so I think rutger keeps this one kind of close. And by “kind of close” I mean 38 points instead of 58 like last year. Hey, progress is made in baby steps.

Stew: Is this really something that needs to happen?

Thump: oh god why

Dead Read: This weekend introduces us to another sad Ash image.