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Fall’s Tarts: The Silly, The Stupid, The Stunningly Weird of Week Five in the Big Ten

Another week of whiskey tango foxtrots.

Michigan v Northwestern
So say we all.
Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Welcome welcome to your new favorite feature! We all love laughing at dumb stuff other people’s teams do, but since I’m a Nebraska fan, this has been less of a happy column for me to write than it might otherwise be. :(

Anyway, to the imbecility!

Pat Fitzgerald Doesn’t Know What Words Mean

After unexpectedly holding the Michigan Wolverines to a 17-0 deficit in the first half, Northwestern managed to lose the game 20-17. In his post-game presser, Pat Fitzgerald attempted to explain what went wrong:

I think we made really good adjustments and it’s just that, quite frankly didn’t work

I think they call those “not good adjustments,” Pat, but I’m just a simple non-AAU grad. What do I know? Here’s hoping you make some more really good adjustments that don’t work when you play Nebraska.

Matt Millen Talks Pants Peeing

Down 42-28 with 6:14 left in the game, Nebraska was in a dire situation. Making it even more dire was the fact that at this particular moment, Nebraska was 4th and 5. As it would turn out, this ended up not being the worst-managed 4th and 5 of the evening, but BTN’s Matt Millen was still not impressed. As Nebraska’s Adrian Martinez hurried a pass and overthrew a receiver near the end zone, Millen uttered some of the finest words in sports announcing:

Aaaaaaaa he peed in his pants right there. You can’t do that. That’s a little bit of a panic move.

Words to live by, truly.

Matt Millen Talks About a DC’s Underwear

I was multitasking for much of the Nebraska-Purdue game for reasons I assume are obvious, but there were a few times the commentary, if not the play, caught my attention. One of those was learning the unexpected fact that Purdue has a “Belt Guy” who boasts the enviable skill set of following defensive coordinator Nick Holt around and grabbing his belt when he appears likely to lose control of himself and run onto the field. Or, in deftly crafted prose of Matt Millen and Co:

MM: They, they apparently have a guy assigned just to Nick, and his job is just to keep him from going on the field. And so, they they don’t give him anything to hold on to, so what’s he do, he just puts his hand down his drawers in the back, holds him by the belt, and yanks him. I think that’s hilarious.

Other guy: I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a hold-him-back guy like that.

MM: I like this guy, I don’t know what his name is, but he’s assigned... he’s the drawers guy!

BTN, ladies and gentlemen.

“Drawers Guy”

In the dwindling minutes of the broadcast, the Purdue sports info people brought us the big news: Belt Guy has a name, and it’s Justin Lovett, Director of Strength and Conditioning. No one ever said being Belt Guy was for the weak.

What does that look like on a LinkedIn profile, do you suppose? Has Holt endorsed this skill for him? If not, he should. There aren’t too many men in the world willing to follow a guy around and yank him back before he makes a bad decision, but honestly, I think the world might be a better place if we had more Belt Guys.

James Franklin Would Like You to Join Him in the Parking Lot

As you may have heard by now, James Franklin called an unwise play at the end of the Nittany Lion’s monumental game with OSU, squandering, as many saw it, their final chance to seize the game from the Buckeyes.

NCAA Football: Ohio State at Penn State
I think it was more like five yards, James.
James Lang-USA TODAY Sports

Penn State fans were not impressed, and one let Franklin know as he walked into the locker room. Franklin clapped back, tough-guy style:

By far my favorite part of this exchange is that it is set to the soothing sounds of Frank Sinatra, which somehow ups the hilarity considerably. All in all, not the best night for James Franklin. (Franklin later apologized for his reaction to the fan.)

Rutgers Loses By a Mere Touchdown

Poor Rutgers. Last week they made this list for attempting to play football at all, which is arguably both silly and stupid. But this week, they only lost by a touchdown! One might argue that that kind of progress isn’t very silly, but the AP sports writer was having none of that:

Indiana got away with playing half a game against downtrodden Rutgers.

The Scarlet Knights didn’t see it that way. They believed they finally showed signs of being able to win a couple of game this season.

Ouch. Why you gotta be so cruel, AP? In addition to the omission of an “s” at the end of the word “game” in the sentence above, this writer also called Indiana’s running back “Scottie Stevens” instead of “Stevie Scott.” This guy gave so few effs about this game, he couldn’t be bothered to proofread or give Rutgers even an ounce of credit. We feel you, Tom Canavan. We feel you.


What made you laugh the hardest this week?

This poll is closed

  • 17%
    Pat Fitzgerald vs. the English Language
    (71 votes)
  • 12%
    Matt Millen Talks Pants Peeing
    (52 votes)
  • 16%
    Matt Millen Talks Undies
    (65 votes)
  • 33%
    James Franklin, Tough Guy
    (133 votes)
  • 9%
    Rutgers Loses by a Mere Touchdown
    (40 votes)
  • 9%
    Baton Twirlers lol
    (40 votes)
401 votes total Vote Now