The cover art for this week’s column is the view from where I camped this past weekend. For the second time this season, I didn’t watch really any football this weekend. Instead, I went “primitive” camping and hiked up here:

It was fun.

If you haven’t ever read any of my prior columns, or you don’t totally get how scare quotes work, I obvs said “primitive” camping to set up a flimsy premise for typing a few more words about nothing important at all before getting to the week’s awards.

We booked a group campsite for the seven of us online (technology, right?!?) at Hanging Rock State Park here in North Carolina. The (not run by the State Park service) website advertised them as “primitive” campgrounds and explained that that included things like pit toilets, no running water, and having to walk a good distance from the parking lot. It also included photos of what looked like the spookiest Are You Afraid of the Dark?-looking outhouse and a small concrete (primitive?) area with a metal fire pit (primitive?). We shrugged and thought “eh, that’s good safety sense I guess, considering it’s a state park” and figured all the details they left out were what truly made it primitive (e.g., mayyyybe a slightly cleared area where people can put up a tent, isolated, walking at least a half mile from car to campsite).

It was not any of that at all. The fire pit areas had been significantly updated, doubling in size and now featuring really nice wooden benches. There was a grill with multiple grates you could lift up, build your fire in, and put back down. The outhouses were full-on bathrooms, albeit essentially large, fancy versions of port-a-potties. There was a ton of drinkable water, there were other campsites within 200 feet on either side of you, and you could still see our cars from where we camped. We were pretty disappointed and confused when we got there.

OF COURSE this was way better and more enjoyable than truly primitive camping, and I thought about that every time we cooked a meal, wanted to pee with walls and a roof around us, or wash anything at all. Plus it made getting to the car so we could go eat pie much faster and more convenient. I’m old now, and it turns out inconvenience isn’t nearly as fun as it used to be. We’ll all get enough time outdoors “enjoying” primitive camping after Purdue wins the B1G this year and our society and planet melt down in the aftermath, so let’s enjoy faux camping as long as we can.

The Disclaimer

If your team’s favorite player isn’t chosen as a Player of the Week, one of three things happened: (1) It involved a player not involved in Wisconsin’s most recent game; (2) your favorite team’s writer didn’t submit the player for POTW honors; or (3) you favorite team’s player really wasn’t as awesome as you thought.

Sometimes a player will get picked because of the awesome raw stats; sometimes he’ll get picked because of good stats plus situational significance; sometimes he’ll get picked because he did pretty well and plays for Wisconsin; and most of the time he just won’t get picked. Leave your complaints in the comments.

Defensive Player of the Week

Khari Willis - S - Michigan State - Big Ten DPOTW

9 tackles, 1 pass defended, 1 fumble forced

Upon learning that the Big Ten named Khari Willis its DPOTW, your Michigan State writer, and purported fan, said “I didn’t even bother nominating Willis because I figured someone must have had a splashier game somewhere, but I guess not.” If that’s not an indictment of B1G defenses this week (along with last week’s name for this award), I don’t know what it. Willis’s statline was absolutely solid, though, leading his team in tackles and giving another player the glory of recovering a fumble. And he played his best in a big game against a tough opponent, satisfying my conveniently-trotted-out criteria for winning OTE DPOTW.

Here’s who also stood out to me as a scrolled through the Big Ten box scores from last weekend Defensive Players of Week 7

Sydney Brown - DB - Illinois - 12 tackles, 2 TFL, 2 PD, 1 Int

Carter Coughlin - LB - Minnesota - 7 tackles, 3 TFL, 2 sacks

Pete Wermer - LB - Ohio State - 10 tackles, 2.5 TFL, 1 sack

JR Pace - DB - Northwestern - 5 tackles, 2 Ints

Special Teams Player of the Week

Blake Haubeil - K - Ohio State

3/3 FGs, 47 yard long; 3/3 XPs

Following a week where we had to give to give the award to a player who uses his feet primarily for running—rather than for hitting footballs with—it feels good to have a talented footsman back as OTE STPOTW. Blake Haubeil had a perfect kicker day: 100% on field goals, 100% on extra points, 100% on television close-ups of adorable hugs from your lineman where your head only reaches their chests following each of your seven successful kicks. Plus his team won another game, and his points accounted for ³⁄₄ of the margin of victory.

Also important: Haubeil (Hau-byle or Hau-beel?) was the only B1G kicker to make three field goals, none of our fearless punters was particularly spectacular, and nobody returned any kicks for touchdowns. Get it together, B1G ST coaches.

Is my grading scale harsh? Maybe! Other Special Teams Players of Week 7

Also important: Haubeil (Hau-byle or Hau-beel?) was the only B1G kicker to make three field goals, none of our fearless punters was particularly spectacular, and nobody returned any kicks for touchdowns. Get it together, B1G ST coaches.

Rutgers Sure Punts A Lot And We Should Recognize Workhorse Punters Punter of Week 7

Blake Hayes - P - Illinois - 9(!) punts, 43.4 avg, 53 long - You know what? Hayes had an awesome week punting, and I should probably have put him above, but I kinda like the block quote bit so he’s stuck down here.

Offensive Player of the Week

Flynn (Rider) Nagel - WR - Northwestern - Co-Big Ten OPOTW

12 receptions, 220(!) yards, 2 TDs

Flynn Nagel had the most receiving yards by a B1G player since 2013, the most r-yards for a Northwestern player since 1980, and most importantly, he helped his team retain the right to be called “NU.” (Am I remembering this silly initial battle correctly or did I blow it? Either way, they’re NW and Neb/Nebby, right? Does anyone actually use NU?) Throw in that he’s got a great name, that he’s a wide receiver, and that he’s not an Iowa player, and of COURSE the namesake of Mandy Moore’s animated love should win the OTE B1G POTW.

Do better stats, play better opponent, or try playing for a different team Offensive Players of Week 6

Felton Davis III - WR - Michigan State - 8 rec, 100 yards, 2 TDs

TJ Hockenson, Noah Fant - TE - Iowa - 8 rec, 209 yards, 3 TDs

Devine Ozigbo - RB - Nebraska - 22 carries, 159 yards, 2 TDs

A Bunch of QBs - QBs - B1G - Collectively our pass defense is p bad

Freshman of the Week

Mohamed Ibrahim - RB - Minnesota - Big Ten FOTW

23 carries, 157 yards (6.8 ypc), 2 TDs

I did not watch any of these players play this weekend, but my scouting of the box scores, the OTE Slack channel, and the bigten.org posts about the players of the week lead me to believe that Mohamed Ibrahim had a very good game, especially for a freshman, especially especially against once-and-future “just missed the playoffs” Ohio State, and especially x3 for someone who has to suffer through PJ Fleck “coaching” him. (Unnecessarily long sentence? Nah.)

I knew Minnesota was going to be bad this year. When I heard they lost their best offensive player, running back Rodney Smith, I added a “really” in front of “bad.” Minnesota is still pretty bad (mostly do too injuries, PJ Fleck, a lack of talent, etc.), but Ibrahim has been actually quite good! Aside from a bummer of a game at Maryland (and two games he didn’t play? Injury?), Ibrahim has been really good! So good that if he played for Wisconsin, every third pundit/OTE commentor would say “well ANY running back can look good at Wisconsin because of that O Line” followed by a sick burn along the lines of “LOL best OL in the country LOL.”

Mohamed Ibrahim is good. A third of you are terrible.

Let’s check back in on Rondale Moore, see how he’s been doing Freshman of the Week

Rondale Moore- WR - Purdue - 4 recs, 101 yards, 1 TD; game against Wisconsin soonish

Award Formerly Known As “Honorary Purdue Boner of the Week” Boner of the Week

Purdue! You did it!!! You made it back to a 0.500 record overall, only committed 5 penalties, and played well enough that almost no amount of boners could cost you the game. Your reward is not having the award named after you anymore! Hooray!

Last week, I semi-lamented that BRT had already covered my favorite boner from the previous weekend. This week, I couldn’t be more thankful BRT put this play at the top of her excellent Fall’s Tarts, because this play is an absolutely turgid and impressive boner, worthy of repeat appearances. Even though this award is (formerly) named after Purdue a Purdoner, the award was created with this kind of nonsense in mind: