The Late Is Better Than Never Mailbag Responses

Good evening. I apologize for the delay getting the mailbag to you for your entertainment, but life intervened. Don’t worry, this can be something extra for you to read while drinking coffee at your desk and pretending to work on a Friday morning. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

In what extremely unlikely and heart-wrenching way will MSU ruin Michigan’s season next weekend? - waw

Thumpasaurus: Michigan scores four field goals, but on the ensuing kickoffs, a low-altitude microburst knocks down everyone on the Wolverine coverage team. 28-12 Spartans.

Beez: Go back in time, prevent the birth of any current (2018) UM players, come back, lose the game to UM anyway, continue having the most annoying-ass fans ever, ruin everyone’s season by crying about refs continually.

Townie: The only way would be hurting Shea Patterson. Sparty ain’t gonna win…

Jesse: To be fair, we all thought PSU was going to destroy MSU so here we are…

WSR: On a cold, wet, windy afternoon featuring MSU against a top-10 ranked opponent, there’s only one way for Sparty to surprise the Wolverines: by losing in a game that was never in doubt.

Has the potential for Purdue Harbor been ruined now that some people are talking about it as possibility? Does Purdue Harbor only work when the potential for it goes unsaid? - boilerup86

Thumpasaurus: This is a very very very very misunderstood thing. Purdue Harbor is more than just “a team loses to Purdue unexpectedly.” The 2011 game wasn’t a Purdue Harbor. The actual Purdue Harbor incident was when #7 Ohio State came in with only a loss to Pete Carroll USC and was humming along looking to tune up against Danny Hope’s first Boiler squad, which had beaten Toledo and lost 5 straight. Purdue’s victory (a) gave OSU a second loss to take them out of the national title picture and (b) made no sense before, during or after the season. Ohio State would go on to win the rest of its games, while Purdue would finish with 5 wins over 1.5 coaches and 3 memes*.

This wouldn’t be Purdue Harbor because it wouldn’t take the Buckeyes out entirely and Purdue is a decent and resurgent team that’s won three straight.

*Purdue’s wins came against Bill Lynch, Rich Rodriguez, Ron Zook, Jim Tressel and Tim Beckman.

Harborman31: No. There is always hope for a Harbor’ing. This isn’t like a no-no in baseball where people aren’t allowed to talk about it. Purdue has the tools to make this happen assuming they turn this into a shootout and can match the Buckeyes score for score.

Beez: Purdue Harbor really started losing its luster when every Joe Schmo started asking “Is this the weekend of the Harboring?!?” before every game Purdue played against a ranked or big name team. The potential for Purdue Harbor has been ruined, because it has turned into the equivalent of the dude bragging about the 15 v. 2 upset in the 12th different bracket he filled out. If you want to brag about your predictions, either (a) make fewer of them, or (b) own up to the 97% of the time you’re wrong.

Townie: Purdue harbor only works if the ship is already sinking. See also self-harboring PSU vs MSU October 13, 2018.

How will the West standings shake out?

Who will rise from the muck to get 3rd in the division?

Does UCF have a shot at the Playoff? - LL Sota

Boilerman31: A three-parter? What the hell is this? You couldn’t split this up so we could mock you for asking so many damn questions? And doesn’t the first question answer the second? Why am I asking so many questions? Damnit.

• T1. Wisconsin, T1. Iowa, T3. Northwestern, T3. Purdue, 5. Minnesota, T6. Nebraska, T6. Illinois
• Yes, but there’s a helluva lot of chaos that needs to happen until then.

Beez: Wisconsin wins. Purdue gets 3rd. No.

Thumpasaurus: I don’t give a shit.

Townie: Iowa Wins, Northwestern is second, Purdue third. UCF has no shot at the playoffs. NEXT…

Jesse: Uh, Wisconsin wins probably and Iowa is sad because they should’ve won or something… Then a lot of other people that are forgotten. Nebraska and Illinois are last. UCF is not going to the playoffs.

WSR: Iowa wins, Nebraska wins a game, Illinois doesn’t win another. Somebody will get third, and I’m not sure who it’ll be.

Will the “winner” of the B1G West have more than 2 conference loses and how likely is it that whomever is propped up at Lucas Oil in December as the sacrificial lamb in Delaney’s annual money grab CCG will lose by more than 4 touchdowns? - glassjawsh

Boilerman31: Right now, I expect Wisconsin/Iowa to be sitting at 2 conference losses. That said, a 3-loss team is absolutely a possibility to emerge (Don’t sleep on Purdue, wink wink).

Beez: No, and it seems unlikely that UM is going to win the CCG by 28.

Townie: Maybe. Iowa gonna have at least two losses.

Thumpasaurus: I don’t give a shit.

Jesse: How about a 5 loss… nevermind.

WSR: Nah, probably not. I don’t think Iowa loses two more games.

Who makes the playoff: A two loss Wisconsin B1G champion or an undefeated UCF? - AlltheIowanamesaretaken

Candystripes: While I wish the answer to this was UCF, for this specific hypothetical I think it’s Wisconsin. Of course, in reality, the true answer is Neither, because this likely means Wisconsin beat Ohio State, knocking the B1G out of the playoff entirely.

Thumpasaurus: I don’t give a shit.

Beez: Neither.

Townie: Wisconsin won’t make the playoff. UCF has a weaker schedule than any team in a major conference so they aren’t going either.

Jesse: None of the above? Seriously, though. In that scenario, you’ve got to also believe that there are no other options and I just don’t believe they’d put either of those over like, a 1-loss Georgia who didn’t play in its own conference championship game.

WSR: If this is an either/or, it’s going to be UCF. But why are we coming up with ridiculous hypotheticals? Do you really expect me to believe that wisconsin could be a contender for the playoff.

What is the proper response for nebraska fans to their unprecedented 0-6 record? - Historicat

Boilerman31: There isn’t one. I’m sure Nebraska fans are handling this in a completely sane and logical manner.

Beez: Spend your Saturdays either watching and not caring, or doing literally anything else than missing the best part of Fall to watch grass slowly grow and then be lit on fire.

Thumpasaurus: Just appreciating the fact that they’re still in the first year of a head coach who’s proven to be a good program-builder and innovative playcaller and not in the third year of a coach whose specialty is defense with one of the worst defenses in the country.

Townie: Acting superior to other schools because of their lofty history.

Jesse: I suppose you do the rational thing and expect it to just get better over time and take your lumps. Know what most people aren’t doing despite USA Today writing a “Scott Frost Buyout” article? Freaking out. It’s fine. This sucks, the team isn’t great, but it’s early. Going to take some time to get good again.

WSR: They’re free to respond however they feel. I just can’t wait to see how they respond to 0-7.

What would satisfy the Harbaugh critics? - badgers & Bruins

Boilerman31: Fuck Michigan.

Thumpasaurus: I’d be pretty satisfied if he replaced his defensive coordinator with someone with a bunch of NFL experience. Sky’s the limit on salary; he can poach from wherever he desires.

Beez: If he won his division, maybe? Or just stopped being such a weirdo.

Townie: This is such a michigan fan question. Wah, they don’t like our coach. Fuck your coach. He’s an overpaid, antisocial, narcissist with a football god complex. He hasn’t done anything other than strut around with the Harbaugh name on his back. He’s living on reputation alone, so he deserves all the criticism he gets.

Jesse: I uh, am not nearly as angst-ridden as my PSU friend, but seriously, Harbaugh mostly gets hate because he’s crazy. So long as he wins, the crazy is okay. If he doesn’t win, the crazy is just crazy. Pretty straight forward, right?

WSR: Do what no Michigan coach since Bennie Oosterbaan accomplished in 1948 in winning a National Title.

Should the NCAA give the Rutgers football program the death penalty, or has it already happened? - Greenie71

Boilerman31: What is this “Rutgers” you speak of?

Townie: Teams that severely break the rules should get the rutgers penalty.

Thumpasaurus: How cruel of Jim Delany to give us 6 years of Illinutgers in a row only to take it away starting in 2022

WSR: I think Rutgers being allowed to exist is punishment enough.

Where is “Big Red” supposed to “Go”? What is the most annoying cheer in the Big Ten, and why is it Michigan’s cowbell dude? - GTom

Boilerman31: Straight to Hell, that’s where.

Townie: The most annoying cheer in the B1G is any that isn’t your own.

Thumpasaurus: Not so much a cheer as the sound of every other Big Ten fanbase celebrating in our stadium after every fucking game I go to

Jesse: I echo Townie. And the right answer isn’t a cheer per say nor is it a Big Ten team and it’s Boomer Sooner.

WSR: Maybe to get a Runza? I don’t know. Some of them are starting to seem pretty down. And as far as the most annoying cheer goes, it’s the Johnson County Spelling Bee. The only redeeming quality is that it gives Iowa fans a spelling bee to win.

Explain why Purdue is a dead-end coaching job and that no other Power 5 program would ever want to hire their head coach. Ever. - BoilerTide

Candystripes: You can’t stop the inevitable Brohm to Louisville train. You can only hope to delay it.

Beez: Do you see what happens, B1G teams? Do you see what happens when you stop hiring some flavor-of-the-month MAC coach?

Townie: I’m sorry, didn’t you mean Illinois?

Thumpasaurus: Only one Illinois coach since Ray Eliot’s 1959 resignation has left Illinois without being fired. That would be John Mackovic, whose coaching career ended with a straight up player mutiny.

WSR: Bless your heart. Even with the shit start, Brohm’s might be gone before Lovie.

Thoughts on Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Beer, and Coffee? -KetteringLex

Candystripes: You know what Pumpkin Spice is good for? Pumpkin pie, and NOTHING ELSE.

Townie: If you drink pumpkin beer, you are a hipster. If you drink pumpkin spice lattes, you are basic.

Beez: More delicious than not, although I’ve found that just straight PS coffee, without any sort of fat or sweetener, tastes like garbage.

Thumpasaurus: Pumpkins are too orange. Gray please.

In the spirit of Dantonio’s fake field goal, what was your favorite trick play call that didn’t actually work? Or the call that did work, but that you hated anyway? - Vaudvillain

Thumpasaurus: Colts fake punt. Every time.

Beez: I hate nearly every trick play, so any time you see me, the most recently failed trick play is my favorite.

Jesse: Pelini’s fake punt that Ferentz sniffed out was probably the worst I’ve ever seen. Everybody watching, playing, vaguely listening to, etc., knew it was coming. He was fired shortly after.

Who framed Roger Rabbit? - bewilder2

Candystripes: https://i.imgur.com/QMlow1o.gif

(Anyone who wants to call spoilers can fight me. The movie’s been out since two years before I was born.)

Townie: His wife.

Thumpasaurus: I don’t give a shit.

Beez: The part of that movie when Christopher Lloyd turns into the cartoon TERRIFIED me when I was a kid. Also this movie always makes me want to watch Dick Tracy.

The $5 bits of broken chair trophy is the best trophy. Change my mind. - FallacyCramps

Thumpasaurus: Illinois and Rutgers should play for a big ol’ albatross attached to a chain that the losing coach must wear around his neck at all times until defeating the other team again.

Beez: It’s the internet meme of trophies, which is to say that while it’s sorta fun and cool, it’s very much overrated and tired.

WSR: Floyd is the best trophy, the chair is the 2nd best.

What’s the 3rd best team in the B1G? - VerboseDutch

Beez: Penn State.

Townie: Iowa

Thumpasaurus: I don’t give a shit.

WSR: Michigan

Should we stop talking about whether “the Big 10” gets in the playoffs? And just acknowledge that we really mean Ohio State? - hawkeyeinstl

Beez: Everyone outside the conference means “Ohio State” when they say “Big Ten,” with an occasional person meaning maybe PSU, UM, or Wisconsin (lol playoff predictions). Here, we mean OSU, PSU, Wisco, and MSU, plus this year it means UM. It’s OSU’s fault they missed the playoffs last year, but it’s not their fault the other B1G teams are too low-quality to be considered a playoff contender every year.

Townie: OSU is beatable. Just ask any Iowa fan…

Thumpasaurus: We should stop talking about football in general.

WSR: Yes. Until either Michigan or Penn State make the playoff we just need to accept that we’re holding our breath for tOSU.

Iowa has 4 rivals:Iowa State, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Nebraska. Each with a unique history and totally different dynamics between Iowa and the other team. In your opinion which of these four is Iowa’s real rivalry? - justsomehawkeyefan

Beez: If you have four rivals, you have no rivals.

Townie: Iowa State, because El Assico is a kick ass game every year.

WSR: The real rival of Iowa is natural sweeteners. The only thing they love more than tormenting Nebraska fans for some reason is high fructose corn syrup.

In honor of LSU bringing back “Neck,” what is the profanity-laced tradition at your school? Do you wish it would stay or go? (And, if you don’t have a profanity-laced tradition, invent one.) - MNWildcat

Candystripes: Dr. Hoosier, aka Rock and Roll Part 2, was (is?) a part of the IU Marching Hundred and Basketball Band’s repertoire when I started at IU, but someone (possibly administration, possibly just athletic department, it’s completely unclear) suddenly noticed that after “Hey!”, the student section would chant “You suck!”, and then on the third repetition, follow that up with “Fuck ‘em up, fuck ‘em up, GO BIG RED!” (The GO BIG RED part was encouraged; everything else, not so much.) The song went from being played at just about every game to being played basically never. I don’t know if it’s been allowed to make a comeback or not.

Beez: Various student sections will get in a cheer where one side chats “Eat Shit” and the other chants “Fuck You.” It’s dumb and should go.

Thumpasaurus: Well, we don’t really have a chant per se, but generally by the end of the first quarter of a game at Memorial Stadium, you’ve heard the silence punctuated by a “God DAMMIT!” or two.

Townie: Well, when I was at Penn State, when they played the alma mater, we sang:

“We don’t know...the goddamn words.” To the tune…

Back then, I thought it was funny. The old alums got pissed.

WSR: The follow-up to the always present “WHO HATES IOWA?” “WE HATE IOWA!” call-and-response is “FUCK THE BADGERS. It’s short, to the point, and accurate.