BOO! “Boo who?” Well you don’t have to cry about it.
Happy Halloween, friends! It’s a magical day of candy and kids ringing the doorbell and pissing off my dog, and hiding in a tree in the front yard wearing all black to jump out of it and scare the everloving shit out of kids out causing problems. And on the downside, it’s also a time for costumes.
More specifically, if you’re of a certain age and relationship status...couples costumes. These...these are not great. If you’re half of a couple (or a third of a thruple or something. Whatever. You do you.), you don’t need to buy a gigantic billboard announcing that you’re with someone regardless of how incredible your partner may be. You should be able to go out and have fun in whatever your favorite costume is. It doesn’t matter if it’s slutty doctor/nurse, slutty cheerleader, or slutty accountant, go out there and just have fun.
Much like that, we’ve got this week’s edition of the B1G Power Poll and at this point in time I think we should all just take a step back and have fun. The football season is weird and crazy this year, and unless your Maryland, Illinois, or Rutgers it’s been kinda entertaining too. You want proof? Take a look at this:
Michigan Wolverines (#1) - Janet Snakehole & Burt Macklin, FBI
High:1 Low:1 First Place Votes:16 Total Points:224
Some costumes just do well enough. They’re not perfect (because no costume outside of a large red elephant is perfect this year, but I digress...), but it is pretty good. And if you do it right, you can have a lot of fun. And that, friends, is Michigan in a nutshell. They’re not perfect. The offense has been spotty at times, the defense has had a few hiccups at inopportune times, and no one really believes that the President has rubies (just a gold toilet). But they’re the best of what we’ve got, and that’s still pretty good.
Ohio State Buckeyes (#2) - Horse
High:2 Low:3 Total Points:206
Sometimes you just need an old classic that, while really good, is a bit flawed. What if the party is in a small place, so an actual tandem costume isn’t perfect? What if one person in the costume is 6’8” and the other is much shorter? What if your coach suddenly didn’t seem to get the best of out of his galaxy of recruiting stars and struggled against Minnesota and got harbor’d? Well, then you’d either be two people in a horse costume or Ohio State. Both are pretty good in the right circumstances, but aren’t perfect.
Penn State Nittany Lions (#3) - Mario & Peach
High:2 Low:4 Total Points:193
Yet another classic that’ll never go out of style and doesn’t need to be changed, it’s Penn State’s unifo...wait. Mario and Peach. And just like our mustachioed hero,there was some distress last weekend. Most notably large turtle-shaped person caught a touchdown. (There was more to this, but then I got pulled into a meeting and now it’s all fell out of my brain. Sorry.)
Iowa Hawkeyes (#4) - Bacon & Eggs
High:4 Low:6 Total Points:169 (kinda nice)
I mean, the only way you could be less original is if you’d selected the peanut butter and jelly option, so, I guess thanks for throwing in that trick FG/TD thing to show you’re not totally out of ideas. But still, bacon and eggs? Aw, aren’t you a cute little couple. Still, while everyone loves actual bacon and eggs as breakfast consumables, the friends of the couple who DRESSES as those things all secretly hate them--so you know, kind of perfect for Iowa, a group of people more likeable in theory than when they’re actually walking among you.
Northwestern Wildcats (#5) - Nerds
High:4 Low:9 Total Points:153
Low-hanging fruit to make the nerds Nerds? Sure. But although the nerds costume concept isn’t exactly fresh, this candified take on it is kind of new and fun, and excellently executed. Nerds costume: not as bad as you expected. And after unexpectedly beating the snot out of Wisconsin last weekend, Northwestern is not as bad as we expected either. (Although... single-digit win against Rutgers. Never forget.)
Michigan State Spartans (#6) - Legends of the Hidden Temple Team
High:3 Low:8 Total Points:152
This is a pretty decent costume, because let’s face it, that was the best game show of all time, except Jeopardy! It’s going to get you some admiration from your Millennial-populated Halloween party, and you get to be pretty comfortable wearing it all night. Unfortunately, it’s not going to win the big prize for the evening--it’s just not quite flashy or creative enough. Still, it’s enough to keep you in the conversation, and it’s at least ten points better than that lame-o in the plug-and-outlet costume, right?
wisconsin badgers (#7) - Beer Pong
High:6 Low:9 First Place Votes:lol Total Points:123
You know how sometimes you can get a little bit too cute and too smart for yourself and think “YEAH! THIS IS GONNA BE THE PERFECT COSTUME FOR US!” and then you go to the party and everyone else in OshKosh is wearing the same thing you are? Well that’s you, wisconsin. You’re 12th in the B1G in rushing defense! You took out the worst starting QB in the B1G and somehow found someone worse. Goodness, you’re a mess. Heck, you even benched your best player because, well, reasons. It’s starting to look like Paul Chryst has no idea what he’s doing when he doesn’t have Bret Bielema and Gary Andersen’s players to bail him out, and I’m all for this fun.
Purdue Boilermakers (#8) - Outlets
High:6 Low:8 Total Points:120
Hey guys, get it? It’s about sex. Tee-hee! I don’t want to make too many nerd jokes here, or draw on stereotypes about how engineers are so excited to get any that they tend to get real awkward about it real fast... so I won’t. Instead, we’ll focus on the parallel to the football team. Now, it’s possible that this costume got a laugh or a cheer in the design phase for the sheer novelty of pulling off something electric and unexpected, much like Purdue won acclaim and adoration for shocking Ohio State. However, the goodwill you feel toward the guy at the party who won’t stop awkwardly demonstrating how he’s going to “plug” his girlfriend with his clever costume deteriorates approximately as rapidly as Purdue’s football prowess appeared to this week.
Maryland Terrapins (#9) - NOTHING.
High:7 Low:10 Total Points:96
You know what? You get nothing. Maryland is a goddamn disgrace and I’m not even going to waste my time or energy coming up with something for you. Your entire administration should be ashamed of itself, and I could not be more disappointed and frustrated by its inactions. I wish the best for the kids on the team, but everyone else can go sit on the business end of a pitchfork.
Nebraska Cornhuskers (#10) - American Gothic
High:9 Low:13 Total Points:73
“But...isn’t American Gothic from Iowa?” Yeah, but hear me out. Both teams rely on their QB to be good. Both teams have guys who are a threat catching the ball (although Iowa’s are TEs and Nebraska’s are really good WRs), and the key difference between the two is that Iowa’s defense shows up pretty much every week, while Nebraska’s has been spending most Saturday afternoons at the Grange Movement meetings.
And at the end of the day, there are few things that scream “THIS IS WHAT WE THINK AMERICA SHOULD BE!” than American Gothic and trying to relive glory days gone by. Is there anything more Nebraska than that?
Minnesota Golden Gophers (#11) - Katy Perry & Left Shark
High:9 Low:12 Total Points:69 (NICE!)
I know, it’s a couple years past when everyone loved it. And even then it still wasn’t for everyone. But for the intended audience, it’s still a great costume. And that’s Minnesota right now. In the right places, it’s a pretty good football team. In others? Yeeeesh.
Indiana Hoosiers (#12) - Babies
High:10 Low:14 Last Place Votes:1 Total Points:51
I mean, props for not going with the skeezy “sexy Hoosier” option... but you’ve literally put a giant flesh suit on yourself, with an interior hula hoop to hold up your “diaper.” And you’re wearing a bib. And a giant pacifier. And you’re adults dressed like babies. There’s a lot not to like about you right now, is what I’m saying.
Illinois Fighting Illini (#13) - Bride of Chucky...Finster?
High:12 Low:13 Total Points:33
An attempt was made! But we’re pretty sure no one in this program is communicating anymore, and the end result is something that would be sad if it wasn’t trying so damn hard.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights (#14) - Boobs
High:12 Low:14 Last Place Votes:14 Total Points:18
In theory, absolutely wonderful. But this is just crass, cheap, inappropriate, and a waste of time. And whereas the real things are amazing, the approximation provides zero fun, pleasure, or likelihood of scoring, much like how real football teams are a lot of fun, but Rutgers’... approximation... also provides zero fun, pleasure, or scoring.