I’d like to, if I could, tell you a story. You see, my wife and I bought a home in March of this year, and with the exception of the fateful April Saturday when it snowed 19 inches and we got married, we didn’t have to deal a ton with the “getting colder” side of the weather equation. It got hot, we turned on the AC because I’m a large man, all was well.

Now it’s getting colder.

Something that houses built in 1951 apparently do when it gets old is leak mice like it’s going out of fucking style. And we noticed this when our cat started acting weird.

He would sit in front of the fridge, which is to the right of his food and against an inside wall. Wouldn’t come to bed at all, just sat there and stared. But we DID notice there was some shoddy wall work back there, so we did the math. Cat’s also just a weirdo, though. But at one point he finally pounced at the gap between his food and the fridge. Tight space and he doesn’t have front claws, so whatever it was snuck back in. We set traps.

Sure as shit: wife wakes up out of a dead sleep at 1:30am, nudges me awake and says she heard a snap. I ask if she wants to look, she hems and haws. Not 30 seconds later, in marches the cat, who nonchalantly hops up in bed and falls asleep. This morning, in we walk, and way back there is a dead mouse. Little weirdo knew it, by God.

We put a few snap traps there, but also tried a couple of those poison boxes where the mouse crawls in and dies a humane-ish death or whatever.

Except when it doesn’t.

Instead, I’m in the bedroom grabbing a blanket while we’re watching TV in the living room, and sure enough, I see one—over in the corner. Shit. Weird thing is, it’s on its side, not really moving. Dead. So I walk through the living room into the kitchen, grab a bag, some tongs, and some carpet cleaner, and calmly inform my wife that there’s a mouse. She runs into the bedroom because of course she does, and I hear a shriek: “HE’S STILL MOVING!”

My first thought: “It’s a he? How’d you get a look?”
My second thought: “Not the time, MNW.”

I walk in, and sure enough it’s still taking a couple of heaving breaths, but is clearly on death’s doorstep. The poison, I figure. I pick him up with the bag, take him out in the driveway, and am about to just toss him in the garbage when I think “that’s no way to go, just heaving and dying in a bin.”

So I frying panned him.

Let that serve as a metaphor for the Northwestern-Michigan game last Saturday. We are just poisoned, dying mice, praying for the sweet release of FRYING PAN.

---

Anyways, on this here blog I occasionally talk about football games you should watch, versus the football games you, as a sheep who is unable to think about anything other than being lectured about Tua Tagovailoa or Bryce Love or College Football Playoff scenarios, do not. You miss out; my life is bitchin’ (minus the mice probably now dying in my walls).

I would like to review why that is, now.

On Friday, I told you not to watch UCLA-Colorado (38-16, Buffs), and to watch Tulane-Memphis instead. The Wave leapt out to a 17-7 halftime lead, and then just ran over Jay Norvell’s Tigers in the second half. Could Jonathan Banks pass? No! Didn’t matter! Darius Bradwell busted a run of 53 yards and had over 7 ypc! Corey Dauphine (learn how to spell your name, buddy) had a long run! The Wave brought on some senior galoot QB for one play, and he threw a little out route that busted for 51 yards! It was poetry. It was an upset.

Of the games played by top 5 teams, the only one I truly recommended (besides Ohio State-Penn State, which was phenomenal) was Syracuse-Clemson. IT DID NOT DISAPPOINT.

What I’m saying is, I just don’t get the fascination with watching Alabama steamroll Louisiana (the Ragin’ Cajuns, not Geaux Tigers) or Oklahoma just play flag football against Baylor. Even when they’re high-scoring, it’s just watching a cat that actually has front claws playing with a mouse. That’s sadistic. You’re a monster.

Take the Week 5 afternoon games. Let’s review:

Don’t Watch This:

• Florida 13, Mississippi State 6
• VaTech 31, Duke 14
• Washington 35, BYU 7
• Boise State 34, Wyoming 14
• TCU 17, Iowa State 14
• Marshall 20, Western Kentucky 17

Watch That:

• Middle Tennessee 25, Florida Atlantic 24: Brent Stockstill threw the game-winning two-point conversion with seconds to play as MTSU stormed back from two TDs down against the Lane Train. You’re welcome.
• LaTech 29, North Texas 27: The Mean Green scored 21 first-quarter points! And then things didn’t go so hot! The Bulldogs blocked a field goal to win this one!

Two games, decided by three points. And I won’t bring up the myriad others but will mention that the 45-35 Boston College win over Temple looked pretty damn fun, too.

Anyways, maybe you’ll listen to me this week.

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts
Georgia State Panthers at Troy Trojans (-15.5) [6:30pm, ESPNU]

Watch That

Tulsa Golden Hurricane (1-3, 0-1 AAC) at Houston Cougars (3-1, 0-0)

7pm | ESPN | UH -18 | O/U 68.5

I don’t know that you could pay me to watch now that Tom Brady and the Patriots have reverted back to Death Star mode. I dropped Chris Hogan in one league because HE LET ME DOWN, and he’s going to score 5 touchdowns on the Colts’ non-existent defense.

This is a good reminder to me to re-add D’Eriq King in my CFB fantasy league, because one out of every 5.5 of his completions has been a touchdown. ONE OF EVERY FIVE. You will watch that and you will enjoy it, and if you don’t get the hell out of my country. Major Applewhite for president.

Anyways, reader, I get that Tulsa is bad. Really, I do. But the Golden Hurricane have played Texas close (28-21), lost to a not-bad-anymore Temple team by two touchdowns [/casts side-eye], and don’t actually pretend they’re going to play that much defense. D’Eriq King and Marquez Stevenson will hook up for 3 TDs and neither of them hawks some brain-water or concussion bananas, or I will give you your money back.

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-3.5) at Louisville Cardinals [6pm, ESPN]

Watch That

Dartmouth Big Green (3-0) at Yale Bulldogs (2-1)

5pm | ESPNU | Yale -2.5 | O/U 49

MTSU Blue Raiders (2-2, 1-0 C-USA) at Marshall Thundering Herd (3-1, 1-0)

6:30pm | CBSSN | Marshall -6.5 | O/U 52

Utah State Aggies (3-1) at BYU Cougars (3-2)

8pm | ESPN2 | BYU -2.5 | O/U 54.5

Dartmouth [/taps nose at DR] has put up no fewer than 34 points in their three games. Yale has put up at least 28. I’m surprised Yale is favored, given their common opponent, Holy Cross [miss u, Bill Carmody], who took a beating from Dartmouth and edged Yale in OT. Kurt Rawlings for Yale and Derek Kyler for the Big Green huck it around. Good dinnertime TV—Friday night Ivy League football is the drunk football we deserve.

One of the toughest things this season has been disabusing myself of the idea that if I just tune in to Louisville games, Lamar Jackson will show up and start slinging balls around. It’s not happening, and if you would like to watch boring football tune in and watch him ride the pine behind Joe Flacco, because you don’t need to watch Jawon Pass not live up to his made-for-a-Texas-Tech-quarterback name.

Every game needs an undercard, and I am here to tell you that MTSU-Marshall is the undercard you want for Utah State-BYU. It’s got a little less of the talent and a little less of the hate that you’ll see in the BATTLE FOR THE OL’ WAGON WHEEL (to not be confused with the normal, presumably young Wagon Wheel played for by Akron and Kent State, of course), but still that mountain scenery and eventual disappointment that comes with G5 teams playing at weird times.

I feel like MTSU-Marshall is a game that should have a rivalry trophy of some kind, but I forget that MTSU has only been in C-USA since 2014. That, and these games haven’t been particularly close—Marshall’s won its three by an average of 26 points, with MTSU’s only W a surprise 27-24 upset of a 10-3 Marshall team in 2015. That said, they’re a 374-mile drive through the hills, and shit, I want this to be a rivalry. WKU and Marshall have the Moonshine Throwdown, damnit! And we missed it! Someone throw a punch so we can start playing for something. The Ol’ Rail Spike. Ebenezer’s Musket. The Prospector’s Saddle Bag.

BYU lost its standout tight end and All-Name star Moroni Laulu Pututau to an injury, which is a bummer, but there’s enough to go around in this one. Utah State’s QB Jordan Love is actually a legit passer (over 1000 yards on the year already, 5 TDs) with a good receiving threat in Ron’quavious Turner, and for BYU Squally Canada will keep doing what I’m sure are things you do when your name is Squally Canada. Only Michigan State has held the Aggies under 40 points this year, and even they spotted them 31! Matt Wells might finally have it together in Logan, and I am very here for seeing what happens.

Wikipedia also tells me that these two teams tend to play on the first Friday of October every year since 1981 (and played a 6-3 game in 2012! How could I forget?!) because the LDS Church holds its semiannual (biennial?) worldwide conference this weekend. Bunch of fuckin’ heathens up at UU, if you ask me. A round of skim milk for everyone! On the house!

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

[1] Alabama Crimson Tide (-34.5) at Arkansas Razorbacks [11am, ESPN]
Kansas Jayhawks at [9] West Virginia Mountaineers (-28.5) [11am, ESPN2]
Northwestern Wildcats at [20] Michigan State Spartans (-11.5) [second half 1pm, FS1]
[15] Michigan Wolverines (-17.5) vs. Maryland Terrapins [11am, ABC]
Buffalo Bulls (-7.5) at Central Michigan Chippewas [11am, CBSSN]

Watch That

[19] Texas Longhorns (4-1, 2-0 Big XII) at [7] Oklahoma Sooners (5-0, 2-0)

11am | FOX | OU -7.5 | O/U 60.5

FIRST HALF ONLY: Northwestern Wildcats (1-3, 1-1 B1G) at Michigan State Spartans (3-1, 1-0)

11am | FS1 | MSU -11.5 | O/U 46.5

Tulane Green Wave (2-3, 1-0 AAC) at Cincinnati Bearcats (5-0, 1-0)

11am | ESPNU | UC -7 | O/U 52.5

East Carolina Pirates (2-2, 0-1 AAC) at Temple Owls (2-3, 1-0)

11am | ESPNNews | Tem -11.5 | O/U 55

Illinois Fighting Illini (2-2, 0-1 B1G) at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (1-4, 0-2)

11am | BTN | Ill -3.5 | O/U 50.5

It’s like ESPN took one look at the Red River Rivalry and just say “...nah, fuck it.” As for the rest? Look, they’ll be nice things to have on. I know you’re watching the Red River Shootout.

We talked on last week’s podcast about how, while the Buffalo Bulls have been one of the nice stories of the 2018 season, the Army Black Knights were a quiet, sneaky 2-2 team. Army just dismantled Buffalo, 42-13. As such, now Army is the 14th member of the Big Ten. Congratulations to the Knights, and enjoy GF3 being even more insufferable in SMCD.

I bet the ACC was never expecting to say “damn! I wish we could get 4-1 Boston College at #23-ranked North Carolina State on a national network!” They play at 11:30 on the ACC Network, which I’m pretty sure will be preempted by a re-run of the Steve Harvey Show.

There’s something really uncomfortable and strange seeing Cincinnati 5-0. Now, we need to review those wins: 26-17 over 0-4 UCLA, 21-0 over Puntin’ Miami Hydroxide, 63-7 over an FCS, a ridiculous 34-30 comeback over Ohio, and 49-7 over UConn. So...I mean, are we sure about Cincinnati?

No, definitely not, but that’s never stopped us before.

Across from the Bearcats are the Tulane Green Wave, who I think have become one of the unofficial Teams of Choice of DWT;WT. A more complete list:

• Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (duh)
• Tulane Green Wave
• Army Black Knights
• Temple Owls, somehow
• UMass Minutemen
• Fresno State Bulldogs
• North Texas Mean Green

I’ll leave it to you to come up with the common thread.

ILLINOIS-RUTGERS. IT IS HERE. IT IS UPON US. I WILL BE TAILGATING AT MINNESOTA-IOWA AND CHECKING MY PHONE CONSTANTLY, AND PEOPLE WILL ASK ME “HEY, WHAT’S THE NORTHWESTERN SCORE?” I WILL LOOK AT THEM AND SAY “I DON’T KNOW, BUT CHRIS ASH JUST LITERALLY SHAT HIMSELF AFTER ILLINOIS FUMBLED A PUNT AND RUTGERS’ PLAYER RECOVERED IT, STOPPED AT THE ONE YARD-LINE, AND DROP-KICKED IT THROUGH THE GOALPOSTS THEN THE TWO SIDES ARGUED OVER WHICH HAD SCORED MORE SAFETIES.

(That last part actually happened in Ye Olden Days of Football. Look it up.)

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

[5] LSU Tigers (-2) at [22] Florida Gators [2:30pm, CBS]
Florida State Seminoles at [17] Miami -Florida Hurricanes (-12.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
Iowa St. Cyclones at [25] Oklahoma State Cowboys (-10.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Kansas State Wildcats at Baylor Bears (-5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Indiana Hoosiers at [3] Ohio State Buckeyes (-26.5) [3pm, FOX]
San Diego State Aztecs at Boise State Broncos (-14.5) [2:30pm, ESPNU]

TO BE DETERMINED

Seems like something you’ll want to figure out, Bearkats.

Watch That

[4] Clemson Tigers (5-0, 2-0 ACC) at Wake Forest Demon Deacons (3-2, 0-1)

2:30pm | ESPN | Clem -17 | O/U 62

Iowa Hawkeyes (3-1, 0-1) at Minnesota Golden Gophers (3-1, 0-1)

2:30pm | BTN | IA -6 | O/U 42

Navy Midshipmen (2-2) at Air Force Falcons (1-3)

2:30pm | CBSSN | Navy -3.5 | O/U 48.5

South Florida Bulls (4-0) at Massachusetts Minutemen (2-4)

2:30pm | Eleven Sports Network | USF -13.5 | O/U 70.5

Old Dominion Monarchs (1-4, 0-2 C-USA) at Florida Atlantic Owls (2-3, 0-1)

4pm | Stadium | FAU -15 | O/U 65.5

I can hear your thoughts already: “But MNW! Two ranked SEC teams, playing in the Swamp, where anything can happen?!” Florida just beat Mississippi State 13-6. No fucking way.

Boise has fallen back off everyone’s radar after the loss to Oklahoma State, and SDSU-BSU will decide who wins the MWC or if that conference is wide-open for Fresno or dare we say Hawaii never mind the 5-OT win over San Jose State just keep smiling everything’s OK here.

Trevor Lawrence is probable for the Tigers, which seems unlikely since I thought he legitimately died or something. Wake Forest plays the second-fastest pace in the FBS. This game is going to be drunk and the 25 people in Winston-Salem watching will be delirious.

It’s Navy-Air Force. Unless you’re some un-American chucklefuck, you will tune in for at least a few series to see how many batshit crazy plays there are, all the pre-snap motions, the tempo followed by the slow-em-down... There are questions surrounding the health of both QBs—Malcolm Perry for Navy (who averages over 6 ypc and has 6 TDs) and Isaiah Sanders of Air Force (of whose 289 passing yards and 17 completions, 238 and 12 have gone to Marcus Bennett)—but you’re still going to see cut blocking, throwback option-style football, and some hilariously-awkward passing attempts. Hell yeah.

I will beat the drum until I die that you everyone needs to tune into at least one game on Eleven Sports Network before they die. Don’t worry, UMass makes this easier for you by actually giving you fun football to watch! If only their coach didn’t say stupid shit like “they raped us” and get suspended for this one. Don’t do that, Mark Whipple.

But if you have Eleven, watch this game. UMass doesn’t even pretend it’s gonna play defense—they gave up 58 points to Ohio! Not the one that knows how to score 58 points—the Frank Solich one! Andy Isabella is a fun WR for the Minutemen, and South Florida’s offense is still just Blake Barnett running around and hope things work out. (They have so far, and he’s throwing for 250 and a couple of scores each game.)

Old Dominion—whose game against ECU I also told you to watch and who lost 37-35 to the Pirates on a controversial call—and I’m not just saying that to fill space in this silly conceit that allows me to talk up silly football games. Jonathan Duhart is a big-play threat at WR, and while Devin Singletary is not putting up the numbers at RB you’d think an NFL talent could be, the Owls have managed with Chris Robinson, who’s not the best passer but is a fun threat to run. Lane Kiffin’s still got it, y’all.

Beat Iowa, you snake oil salesman. The Hawkeyes finally have to leave the state of Iowa to play a football game, something I thought you’d normally do before October but whatever, and we know positively nothing about them. It’s same boring shit, new boring year, and thank God they lost to wisconsin so we’re spared the same pathetic crowing. Beat Iowa.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

SMU Mustangs at [12] UCF Knights (-24) [6pm, ESPNU]
[13] Kentucky Wildcats at Texas A&M Aggies (-6) [6pm, ESPN]
UConn Huskies at Memphis Tigers (-35) [6pm, CBSSN]
[8] Auburn Tigers (-3.5) at Mississippi St. Bulldogs [6:30pm, ESPN2]
[10] Washington Huskies (-21) at UCLA Bruins [6:30pm, FOX]
Nebraska Cornhuskers at [16] Wisconsin Badgers (-20.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
North Texas Mean Green (-25.5) at Texas-El Paso Miners [7pm, beIN]

Watch That

[6] Notre Dame Fighting Irish (5-0, 1-0 ACC) at [24] Virginia Tech Hokies (3-1, 1-0)

7pm | ABC | ND -6 | O/U 54

UAB Blazers (3-1, 1-0 C-USA) at Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (3-1, 1-0)

6pm | Stadium | LaTech -9.5 | O/U 57

The 13th-ranked team is going on the road and is 6-point dogs. If you don’t look at that and laugh at its hilarity, you’re a Kentucky fan, an SEC leg-humper, or dead.

Also, I’m sorry—MEMPHIS IS FAVORED BY 35 POINTS. And Randy Edsall is still out there storming out of pressers when asked why his team is complete ass. What a world:

If I could for a moment, I’d like to hop atop my soapbox. Eleven Sports Network, listen up: You carry UMass football. I see advertisements for George Washington Colonials sports on commercial breaks. The Vans Skateboard Tour Sports Hour precedes your telecasts.

You can pick up New Mexico State football. There is no reason I should haveve to watch AggieVision when there is a clear alternative out there. Become the official carrier of Independent football, Eleven. From Provo to Amherst, West Point to Las Cruces, YOU could be the Independent football fan’s dream.

There’s not much in this evening slate, huh? What, honestly, does it for you here? The B1G fan in you will watch Nebraska-wisconsin, but there are snuff films out there with a less gruesome ending. Do not kid yourself into thinking Kentucky-TAMU will be anything other than a disgusting, bad football game. Kentucky 5-0. Jesus.

My recommendation for a palate-cleanser (not palette- or pallet-, both of which I stared at for two minutes before remembering there is a third spelling of, of all fucking words, palate) here is UAB-LaTech. I don’t know if this is one of the Stadium/Facebook simulcasts, but if it is, see what’s cookin’ in Ruston.

Skip Holtz and the Bulldogs are rolling, with an upset of unbeaten North Texas and their only loss to LSU. Sure, the LaTech offense is just J’Mar Smith chucking it everywhere and seeing where it winds up (usually a big play to Adrian Hardy), but that’s not the point—the point is that this is a game where anything can happen because neither of these teams is good enough to decide what actually happens. UAB runs the ball a metric fuckton with Spencer Brown, and it’s not always pretty, but QB AJ Erdely can manage a ga—

—that was AJ Erdely’s mustache. My God. I have nothing more to say. Watch LaTech-UAB.

Big ACC matchup this weekend. Could determine who wins the conference. Exciting stuff. (Actually could be, and I’m forced to say that Ian Book might be halfway decent, the Irish are actually throwing it down the field a bit, and I gotta say there’s just something damn enjoyable about Justin Yoon. Fuck. I hate this part of the article.)

Brian Kelly killed a kid.

I’m Awake and Drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Utah Utes at [14] Stanford Cardinal (-5) [9:30pm, ESPN]
California Golden Bears (-2) at Arizona Wildcats [9pm, FS1]

Watch That

Fresno State Bulldogs (3-1, 0-0 MWC) at Nevada Wolf Pack (3-2, 1-0)

9:30pm | ESPNU | Fresno -12.5 | O/U 60.5

Colorado State Rams (1-4, 0-1 MWC) at San Jose State Spartans (0-4, 0-1)

9:30pm | CBSSN | CSU -3 | O/U 65

Lot of question marks in the late ones. Nevada QB Ty Gangi is questionable, but if he can play, the Wolf Pack will try to air it out and move against the Bulldogs. These two have a common opponent in Toledo, who Nevada lost to 63-44 and Fresno beat 49-27. O/U is only 60, I’m taking the over. Won’t you join me?

Bryce Love is dead, as far as I am concerned. David Shaw ruined yet another fun thing. I’ve never loved Cal, and holy shit is Kevin Sumlin-era Arizona boring as hell. You ruined Khalil Tate, you asshole. No one should be able to ruin Khalil Tate.

You might notice that we’re concluding with teams with a combined record of 1-8 (0-2 MWC) who have both lost to an FCS team (Illinois State for CSU, UC-Davis for SJSU). The lowest point total yielded by either club? 27, by Colorado State...in a win over Arkansas.

That’s right—the Rams lost to Illinois State and beat Arkansas. San Jose State went to 5 overtimes!!! with Hawaii and only lost 44-41 because of course they did. This game has an over of 65, and I am going to watch this game and do a shot every time a defender just falls down. I’m only having family over on Sunday.

---

Were you keeping track? You’ve got some homework in the comments:

• Design a trophy for Marshall-MTSU.
• Describe your favorite DWT;WT-endorsed team.
• Determine Sam Houston State. Not their opponent, just determine them.
• Compose a paean to AJ Erdely’s mustache.
• Register your complaints with Don’t Watch This; Watch That.

As usual, you have a thread for Thursday/Friday if you’d like it. Otherwise vote in the polls and let me know what you’re watching in the comments. You crazy kids, you.