OSU’s Going Down

Pain Train’s Coming

Cedar Point used to have an indoor roller coaster called the Disaster Transport. Like much of the popular culture from the late 1980s, the ride was an oddly dystopian take on the standard roller coaster, complete with day glow paint and animatronic robot narrators. Think Blade Runner meets The Running Man, but with air conditioning and cheese-on-a-stick.

The entire point of the ride was that patrons were supposedly riding a new, ultra-modern interstellar high speed train(?) called the Dispatch Master Transport. As it so often does with new rapid rail transit in America, something goes terribly wrong and the train jumps the tracks(?), hurtles through the darkness, et cetera and so forth. It’s Space Mountain without that stupid mouse.

As of 2012, Disaster Transport is long gone. Fortunately my thirst for tragedy-as-entertainment can still be slaked by Ohio State. “Oh-ho!” you say. “Another Buckeye fan pretending it’s hard to be a Buckeye fan!” Not so. Things are pretty swell for OSU right now, having both successfully messed with Texas and vanquished the forces of evil in Slappy Valley.

But that’s...sort of the problem. OSU is pretty reliable in the big games these days. Urban Meyer gets the win more often than not. You all know this.

But...did you also know that OSU lost to Iowa 55-24 last year? It’s true. People often forget.

Since the Buckeyes are coming off what will probably be the best game of the season, it’s time to gather our esteemed staff and think about who gets to be this year’s Iowa and completely clown-punch OSU into the realm of sad pizza.

Anatomy of a Dicktrip

Before we hear from our sage prognosticators, let me remind you of Ohio State’s glorious history of cleat-stomping their own midwestern wangs.

1998 MSU - Arguably John Cooper’s best team, upset by a middling Spartan squad coached by some guy who later bolted to the South and the pros. Name of Saban. Not sure if he’s done much since. This was probably his high water mark.

2007 Illinois - Juice (puke) Williams (puke) and Illinois (puke) stage the most disgusting upset I can recall.

2009 USC - Leading 15-10 in the waning minutes? Better let a frosh QB go 95 yards to win it.

2010 Wisconsin - Nice 6-0 record you’ve got there, Tress. It would be a shame if something...happened to it.

2017 Iowa - True story. 55-24. OSU looked so bad the sick children waved to them.

Call Your Groin Shot

A very scientific polling of the Writers to see which garbage team upends OSU this year...

Candystripes: Bama. Because while it probably won’t be the first, it’s the one I have the most faith in.

Creighton: I think Maryland. It seems like an appropriately hilarious loss for tOSU, as is tradition. I think Maryland is going to look pretty bad when they hit the meat of their B1G East schedule, but they’ve already proven themselves to be giant* slayers this year, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Mostly though, I like this prediction because it will springboard tOSU to a like 63-16 rage fueled victory over Michigan.

*Texas is not actually a giant, as they are not sufficiently “back” yet

James Snyder: Does the NCAA count?

Thumpasaurus: IOWA. In the big ten title game.

Stewmonkey13: Dammit, Thumpasaurus, I came here to say exactly that. Iowa backdoors their way into the championship game thanks to Minnesota, very unexpectedly winning the axe. It’s a foregone conclusion that OSU is going to exact revenge. They just demolished Michigan by 40+. The beating was so bad Michigan fires Harbaugh. They’re the only undefeated team left (Bama lost to either LSU or auburn, and is missing the sec championship game, again, but is still a show in for the playoffs), and the #1 team in the land.

The day of the game McMurphy breaks news with concrete, definitive proof that Urbz knew and covered shit up.

Iowa comes out with the ALL TIGHT ENDS OFFENSE, and just fucking demolishes pay all over again.

Urbz announces his retirement, effectively immediately, at the post game press conference.

WSR: I think Michigan beating Ohio State in any fashion would be quite an embarrassment, but the most shameful would be to lose to them in a shootout.