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The Mailbag Responses Focus on Cats and Sadness.

If Brohm was capable of feeling after last week’s game, I bet his face would have turned Cardinal.
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

No time for whimsy, there’s accounting to be done and parenting to perform and whatnot. Onwards to the answers!

If the 2018 B1G West was made into a Shakespeare play, 1) Would it be a comedy or a tragedy? and 2) What would it be named? - BradNortmansActingCoach

WSR: Felis Silvestris Andronicus, and it’s a tragic comedy. Or a comedic tragedy.

Townie: A Tragedy - anytime Michigan wins the B1G, it’s a tragedy.

Beez: It would definitely be a comedy, and I’m going with Shakespeare in Love.

BRT: I’m treating the Big Ten as a whole, and it’s still probably a tragedy, because in all of Shakespeare’s tragedies, everyone dies before the end of the play. In the west, of course, everyone is already dead, and even ol’ Ohio State isn’t looking at playoff dreams this year, which is essentially death to them. We only now have to wait for Michigan’s long soliloquy about something before their inevitable bow to death. However, like Shakespeare’s tragedies, there are moments of humor within the carnage, and this has certainly been an entertaining season in many ways. (Shoutout to the many awesome name suggestions in the request article, none of which I am worthy of matching. Maybe the west is “The Merchant of Tepid”? I dunno, I suck at puns.)

Creighton: The Tarpest.

Which division winner in the following conferences will end up with best record? Which one will have the worst?

ACC Coastal – Current leader is Pitt at 6-4, 5-1. They have road games remaining at Wake Forest and Miami.

Big 10 West – Winner is Northwestern at 6-4, 5-1. Road game at Minnesota and home against Illinois to finish.

PAC 12 South – Current leader is Utah at 7-3, 5-3 in PAC 12 play (Arizona is at 5-5, 4-3 and ASU is at 6-4, 4-3 respectively and I don’t know the tie breaker scenarios out there). Utah plays at Colorado and has The Holy War at home to finish the season. - Littering And

WSR: I’m looking at Northwestern, and I can’t help but see at least 2 losses. Maybe 3 depending on who they get in a bowl game. They’re pretty much in the same boat as Pitt in my mind. Utah, on the other hand, is...chaotic? Because they’ve got a game head start, I think they’ll hold serve and come up with the best record, especially since they just do not lose bowl games.

Townie: Miami is going to make Pitt look stupid. Wake just beat a ranked NC State team. Expect them to finish 6-6, 5-3.

Beez: Agree with Townie. I think Pitt loses out to finish 6-6, Northwestern wins out to finish 8-4. The Utah question has too many numbers and Capitalized Words I don’t know.

how many more fans will fill Lucas Oil Stadium this year because of new blood and large fanbases? - badgersrox

Beez: The stadium will easily sell out for Michigan’s first B1G CCG appearance, but it’ll be about 80% Michigan fans.

WSR: 80% Michigan, 5% corporate assholes, 15% Northwestern (10% tarps, 5% people)

Boilerman31: I’m thinking that tarps-to-people ratio is a little high. I also expect a book club to break out by the middle of the 2nd quarter.

BRT: This is a very diplomatic question, since the “new blood and large fanbases” is only partially true. Michigan, of course, will show well. Northwestern will fill a section and the cameras will keep resorting to showing the same purple fans at every commercial break.

Creighton: They could hold the CCG at Ryan Field and it would still be a home game for Michigan. (We’re all assuming Michigan at this point, yes?)

How did Iowa once again get the B1G’s best OOC win? And will it ever stop them from complaining about scheduling ISU every year? - Sloth Astronaut

Beez: They didn’t. Penn State got the B1G’s best OOC win.

WSR: Yeah, it’s not Iowa State. Fresno State and Appy State are much better, not to mention Northwestern’s win over...nevermind.

BRT: It will not stop them complaining about scheduling ISU every year, nor will it stop them from delivering lengthy treatises on the goodness and generosity of scheduling every other small school in Iowa to fill out their OOC. In a chaotic world, Iowa is a little bit comforting in its unshakable Iowaness.

Creighton: Lol you think we’ll stop complaining about something.

Minnesota, Illinois, Purdue, Indiana, and Maryland haven’t decided yet: Who goes bowling, who stays home? - LL Sota

Beez: No, no, yes, no, no. Purdue goes bowling and that’s it, barring some 5-7 APR something something.

WSR: Yes, No, Yes, No, No. And it’s entirely possible that Indiana gets Purdue in the last game if there’s any shenanigans in regards to Brohm.

Thumpasaurus: Actually, there’s a bowling alley on the lower level of the Illini Union. Illinois is bowling.

Boilerman31: I’m going to be really pissed if I have to change my Fantasy Football team’s name from Boilerman’s Bucket Bowlers.

Townie: Indiana definitely gets a bowl this year. So does Purdue. Illinois and Maryland get to watch from their respective couches.

Most unlikely National Champion (Given current circumstances) - MH19

Beez: The tricky part of this questions is the CFB Playoff Committee could put any team they want into the playoff, so you think “of course! Rutgers or literally anyone they managed to beat are the most unlikely.” But a terrible team getting added to the playoff AND winning two games isn’t going to happen. Which means the answer is “anybody other than Bama is the most unlikely national champion.” Seriously, CFB is boring now.

WSR: Anyone that isn’t Alabama? I’d love for Wazzu or West Fuckin’ Virginia to do it, but there’s just no way.

Thumpasaurus: There’s a few tiers right now

1. National Champion: Alabama

2. The Other Team: Clemson

3. Fringe Contenders: Oklahoma, Notre Dame, Georgia, Michigan, Ohio State

There is zero chance the national champion isn’t among the top 3 tiers. Over the long term, talent wins out, and even if Ohio State doesn’t look that impressive now, talent counts when it comes to the new order of the postseason.

4. Possible Playoff Cannon Fodder: Washington State, West Virginia

Washington State would need teams ahead of them to lose in the next two weeks, maybe even twice. The PAC12 is an afterthought without a consistent banner team. The Big 12 champion might get in without help, but only if it’s Oklahoma. Washington State therefore is my pick, but they have as much of a chance as Rutgers.

What local landmark should fans in your stadium begin waving at, á la Iowa Children’s Hospital? - HistoriCat

WSR: The Surly Brewery! Right? No? Oh.

Thumpasarusus: The State Farm Center, so that our fans can wave hello to the thing they actually care about

Boilerman31: Coach Brohm’s recruiting class as he leaves for Louisville.

Townie: You can’t see much from Beaver Stadium...because their isn’t much around central P.A. /sadface.

Beez: Uh….Barry Alvarez?

BRT: It’s my understanding that they are waving to the people inside of the hospital, and not the actual “landmark” itself.

Got your eye on any Black Friday purchases? - pkloa

Beez: I would love for Red Dead Redemption 2 to be on sale that day, but of course it won’t. I’m thinking maybe a nice at-home dry cleaning kit. (WSR note: Can’t go wrong with a Rowenta.)

WSR: Not sure. I’ll have to talk to the girls again and see if there’s anything they really “need” that sounds fun to me.

Thumpasaurus: No.

Creighton: Black Friday is a scam. Stay home and watch terrible football.

Boilerman31: Depends on what I can find at Rural King. Got my kids a trampoline last year. Eyeing some additional lights for my pole barn this year.

Townie: Boilerman31 - Rural King?! My kids love Rural King. When we evacuated for Hurricane Matthew in 2016, we ended up in Crystal River Florida. It was rainy and crappy. The only indoor thing around was a Rural King. They had never seen a store that sold everything from food to live chickens to corrals to clothes to guns. They still talk about that store…

Damn, what was the question again?

Beez: Rural King is just Food and Stuff, right? Where Ron Swanson gets all of his food...and most of his stuff?

BRT: Ok, I’ve never heard of Rural King, but why would you name a store something that at least 80% of the population has trouble saying? Just call it the Rural Juror and be done with it.

Black Friday shopping is something I absolutely do not get. Getting up in the middle of the night to go fight crowds? I am sure that is a circle of hell, and I don’t understand how people would choose to do it voluntarily. I’d far rather pay an extra $20 on something to avoid that hellscape. I mostly make my gifts anyway because I’m terrible at picking out “things” people would like.

With everyone talking about Brohm to replace Petrino...Who would be most likely in the B1G to hire Petrino as OC? - Houtzy

Beez: Probably the same program that hired a guy who forced his injured players to play and a guy who did…something with Tennessee or Rutgers or Penn State or something? I dunno, I wasn’t ever clear on what went down with Schiano. But it’s obviously Meyer who’d be most likely to hire a scandal-plagued but one-time-successful-at-something coach.

WSR: “He’s a proven offensive mind. He’s going to bring his experience and knowledge and gravitas here and help us get to a new level.” - Josh Whitman introducing Illinois Offensive Coordinator Bobby Petrino.

Townie: Come on...Some SEC school is going to hire Petrino in a heartbeat.

Who should be more worried about a trap game? Michigan, Ohio State, or ‘hahahahaha! Seriously it’s just Indiana/Maryland’ - DtownK

WSR: I’d have said Ohio State before Kasim Hill asploded his knee again. Now it’s neither.

Candystripes: Neither. Maryland’s in bad shape right now, and Indiana hasn’t beaten Michigan in 30 years (and hasn’t won in Ann Arbor since 1967).

Townie: It’s Michigan. Nothing is more corrosive to a team’s hunger than all the hype and press they are getting now. Maybe not this week...but they need to watch out.

where do you all keep the thermostat at in the summer/winter? (78 in the summer/65 in the winter) - glassjawsh

Beez: It’s on the wall in my main hallway. (note: in the South, people often add “at” to the end of a question/phrase, even though it’s unnecessary, and it’s not supposed to change the meaning. E.g., “Where do you live at?”)

Thumpasaurus: 68/65. I’m the worst.

WSR: 75, 69.

Boilerman31: 74 / 69

BRT: 74-76 in the summer, 70 in the winter supplemented with space heaters and always a blanket. :)

Creighton: I try to keep it around 68 regardless of season, but my wife has been known to keep it in the high seventies….also regardless of season. So to answer your question: high seventies, and I never wear pants.

Will the B1G’s bowl record confirm its traschiness this year? Or will we surprise everyone with a 7-N type showing (Northwestern can’t win noncon games) that makes us think maybe we weren’t such a shitty a conference after all? - vaudvillain

Boilerman31: It really all depends on how many slots everyone get bumped up. If the B1G sends more than two to the NY6/CFP, everyone will be stepping up in weight class and that will bode poorly.

Townie: I’m terrible at bowl predictions. I always overpredict B1G wins. Then as I watch with my SEC and ACC fan friends, I’m embarrassed as I watch our teams dicktrip.

Beez: I see a lot of losses by the upper 40% of the B1G, and a lot of wins by the lower 60%, if they can just get bowl eligible.

WSR: We could have a really good bowl season if we get 1 Playoff and 1 NY6 team, because then everyone else gets bumped down a spot and our weaker teams (read: everyone from the West) will get a more favorable matchup. If we get 1 playoff and 2 NY6...look out.