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Fall’s Tarts, Week 13: The Silly, the Stupid, and the Smushed Wolverines of the Big Ten

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The regular season may be over, but the regularly scheduled dumb is not.

NCAA Football: Penn State at Rutgers
This pic is actually from the previous week, but I wanted to feature this column’s stars for our final installment of the season.
Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

Sorry for the tardy Tarts this week! And no Tarts last week. It’s the end of the semester, and I suck at everything right now. :-/

Speaking of sucking at everything, let’s check out some suckitude from this week (and maybe a little from last week, what the hell)!

Michigan State Does a Field Goal Badly (Bonus: Chris Ash DOESN’T Look Sad!!!!!!!)

There was some debate among our staff when this occurred— surely this wasn’t planned, right? If it was, it was suggested that everyone should be fired immediately. You have to assume it’s a mistake, because surely a team that lost by a field goal the previous week in a game that was a veritable festival of field goals and that almost literally cannot score would know the value of taking the three points when you can.

Anyway, this is what happened:

It was pretty sad, for everyone except Chris Ash, who looks like this is the best thing that has ever happened to him in his entire life. Coaching Rutgers will do bad, bad things to a man’s psyche.

Ohio State Fails to Field a Kickoff (For the Second Week in a Row)

It’s hard to believe in retrospect, the “Revenge Tour” posters now fluttering shards of meaningless paper in the wake of getting BTFO by Ohio State, but at one point on Saturday, The Game was actually, well, a game.

With only a 21-13 lead shortly before halftime, Ohio State attempted to catch a routine kickoff... and instead did this:

After the ball doinked off his foot, Michigan recovered near the ten yard line, and scored easily. At the time, it seemed like this might matter, that it might be a disastrous bit of buffoonery for the Buckeyes...

But it was not. OSU could have done this three more times and still won The Game. Daaaaaaamn Michigan. This Tart was about OSU screwing up, and it still kind of just comes back to how bad you were on Saturday.

Minnesota Wins the Axe

I guess it wasn’t really a Tart, but it was still plenty improbable, weird, and unusual, so we’ll leave it in here.

And now, outside the empire, because apparently the Big Ten was disappointingly sane last weekend, or the “writers” were all passed out from leftover turkey and didn’t tell me anything else crazy that happened.

Clemson Player is Flagged for “Disconcerting Signals”

Do you ever wonder if referees are just making stuff up? This is a penalty that might make you wonder. While Clemson’s Clelin (that is definitely a name worthy of South Carolina) Ferrell was certainly doing something strange here, I’m not sure I’d call it “disconcerting.”

LSU Learns a Hard Lesson About Timing Your Gatorade Baths

You’ve already read about this one by now if you didn’t watch it, but it’s so bonkers it has to have a place on this list. This game had everything: a premature Gatorade bath for Ed Orgeron...

Seven overtimes (on one side, coached by a man who was covered in Gatorade)...

A 74-72 final score...

Oh, and this kerfuffle between a wild-eyed frat boy and a man who looks like he would probably win the fight...

Oh, and the wild-eyed frat boy (WEFB) was reportedly A&M coach Jimbo Fisher’s nephew, and someone caught him running to tell Jimbo about the big fight...

You should watch this, because watching the joy slowly leach from Jimbo’s face as the WEFB mimes the punch is amazing.

Anyway, this game is bananas, and in spite of being from a conference we love to hate, completely deserved its spot on this week’s list of Tarts.

Poll

Who tarted loudest this week?

This poll is closed

  • 25%
    Michigan State’s Nearly-Successful Bid to Lose to Rutgers
    (58 votes)
  • 10%
    OSU’s Rutgersian Kickoff "Return"
    (25 votes)
  • 11%
    Minnesota Wins the Axe
    (26 votes)
  • 6%
    Clemson Offers "Disconcerting Signals"
    (16 votes)
  • 45%
    The Wacky Southern Folks Affair
    (104 votes)
229 votes total Vote Now