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Which of these three bowl games is even passably watchable?

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We’ve got Boston College-Boise State in Dallas, Minnesota-Georgia Tech in Detroit, and Cal-TCU in...Phoenix? Awesome. Said no one.

Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

A walking gimmick against a strong defense and stoppable offense.

A walking slogan against one of the few throwback coaches left.

Two top 25 defenses and bottom 25 offenses battling it out in a bowl most recently known for a diarrhea-inducing chain restaurant OR the motel chain at which you later have that explosive diarrhea.

Take your pick!

Servpro First Responder Bowl

Boston College Eagles (7-5) vs. #25 Boise State Broncos (10-3)

Cotton Bowl, Dallas, TX
12:30pm CT | ESPN | BSU -1.5 | O/U 50

Why It’ll Suck: 50 points is the exact threshold for a casual fan to determine “should I watch this game?” While there’s a fair chance that Brett Rypien and the Broncos’ aerial attack could continue flying high (18th in S&P+), Boston College’s defense is unlike any they’ll find in the Mountain West. And that means this devolves into a ground-and-pound game in the Cotton Bowl, 25 years past when that was remotely exciting.

Best Sponsor: Zaxby’s. Give me the choices of a shitty ticket resale unit, some random-ass bank, or what I’m sure will be a flag-waving mess this year (yes, more than other years), some good, old-fashioned American fried* chicken** seems a quaint, responsible pick.

Bring back the Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl, or do not, because a tiny and probably corrupt village in the Chicagoland suburbs sponsoring a bowl game perfectly encapsulates this time of year.

Best Recent* Game: Did you know that Northwestern played in the first iteration of this shitshow?! I was there. It sucked. The ‘Cats had lost Dan Persa for the year and only lost to Texas Tech by 7.

No, for the best game, we’ll take the 2016 Heart of Dallas Bowl, in which Army met North Texas for the second time that year. The Black Knights built a three-score lead, only for the Mean Green to whittle it away, tie it late, send it to overtime...and Army to use a 7-play, 25-yard drive to punch in the game-winner. Again, I can’t emphasize enough—those teams had already played that year. Classic.

Who wins? AJ Dillon will batter away at the Broncos’ rush D, and QB Anthony Brown should hit a bomb or two for the Eagles. I took Boston College with 15 points confidence, so if you’re trying to catch me in OTE Bowl Pick’em, today’s your chance.

Poll

Dudes or Blues?

This poll is closed

  • 37%
    DUDES
    (16 votes)
  • 62%
    Smurfs
    (27 votes)
43 votes total Vote Now

Quick Lane Bowl

Minnesota Golden Gophers (6-6) vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (7-5)

Ford Field, Detroit, MI
4:15pm CT | ESPN | GT -6 | O/U 56.5

Why It’ll Suck: As WSR noted in his addendum to our Quick Lane Bowl preview, it’s “a chance for a team that gave up over 300 yards rushing on thee occasions to try to redeem themselves again after firing former DC Robb Smith following the Illinois debacle.”

I guess if you like a lighter version of what Army did to Houston, this might be for you. There’s the problem, though, that GT sucks on defense (like, bottom 25 bad) and might give Minnesota’s anemic offense the space to sit on the ball and turn this into a 21-17 slugfest.

My dad, last-minute, bought into the charter bringing Gopher fans to this game. Bless his heart—if I didn’t already, I know now where my shitty sports fan decisions come from.

Best Sponsor: I would like to note that it is bullshit that Wikipedia has to make some mention that the Quick Lane is the “de facto” successor to the Motor City Bowl. No. Bullshit. This is the same shitty fucking bowl game, played in the same shitty fucking place, by two shitty fucking teams from the bottoms of their shitty fucking conferences.

The only redeeming quality is that in 2008 the UAW was apparently a co-sponsor with Ford and GM, replacing Chrysler because it was going belly-up. That’s beautiful. The unions always survive.

Best Recent* Game: Minnesota is the most recent Big Ten team to win the Quick Lane Bowl—you might remember 5-7 Minnesota beating Central Michigan a few years ago. Better yet, Mitch Leidner was the MVP of that 21-14 thriller.

Who wins? Tech has the offense and intangibles on its side. Hopefully there will at least be a number of trick plays in this one, since Paul Johnson’s got nothing left to do. I took the Yellow Jackets to slip past the Gophers, maybe 28-24, with 16 points confidence.

Poll

Pick’em.

This poll is closed

  • 26%
    Jackets
    (29 votes)
  • 73%
    Gophers
    (80 votes)
109 votes total Vote Now

Cheez-It Bowl

California Golden Bears (7-5) vs. TCU Horned Frogs (6-6)

Chase Field, Phoenix, AZ
8pm CT | ESPN | Cal -1 | O/U 38

Why It’ll Suck: Remember when I said fifty was about the over/under mark where casual fans started to drift away from interest?

Thirty-eight. Thirty-fucking-eight.

Fuck this noise. At least with Sonny Dykes, Cal football was a beautiful trainwreck. And you BLEW IT UP, Justin Wilcox. Are you happy?! Is “winning football games” worth it?! Fuck you.

Best Sponsor: I mean, I’ve already shouted out Buffalo Wild Wings and Motel 6, equally hilariously-bad sponsors. But we need to remember that this game was the OG for cardboard pizza chains sponsoring weird bowls—in 1990 and 1991 the then-Copper Bowl was sponsored by Domino’s!

Best Recent* Game: This seems a good time to remind you that the Copper Bowl—then played at Arizona Stadium in Tucson—was the site of the Indiana Hoosiers’ last bowl win, a 24-0 thumping of the Baylor Bears...in 1991.

That’s not news to any Indiana fans on this site, but it always bears repeating.

Also, in Actually Good Games, well... This is certainly a Minnesota-relevant day in bowl games, isn’t it?

Who wins? No one. We all fucking lose. When does basketball start again? (I have TCU with 17 points.)

Poll

Pick:

This poll is closed

  • 51%
    Frogs
    (27 votes)
  • 48%
    Bears
    (25 votes)
52 votes total Vote Now

Poll

A total so pathetic, I want you to choose it for me:

This poll is closed

  • 25%
    Over 38 points
    (13 votes)
  • 74%
    Under 38 points
    (38 votes)
51 votes total Vote Now

Here’s your open thread for the bowl games. I’ve given you a couple other polls to vote in, too, because...well, shit, it’s better than watching most of these games.

Poll

Who’s the best sponsor of these historic ones?

This poll is closed

  • 20%
    Zaxby’s! Mediocre chicken for all!
    (13 votes)
  • 17%
    Domino’s! Mediocre pizza for all!
    (11 votes)
  • 60%
    The UAW? What the fuck?
    (39 votes)
  • 1%
    Other! (Comments.)
    (1 vote)
64 votes total Vote Now

Poll

Which historic game did you enjoy remembering?

This poll is closed

  • 4%
    Whichever Ticket City Bowl you were referencing
    (3 votes)
  • 45%
    Minnesota 21, CMU 14 — a 5-7 bowl winner!
    (29 votes)
  • 31%
    Texas Tech 44, Minnesota 41 — lol mnw your childhood sucked
    (20 votes)
  • 14%
    Indiana 24, Baylor 0 — I’m old enough to remember this game!
    (9 votes)
  • 4%
    Other (comments, please)
    (3 votes)
64 votes total Vote Now