When, in the Course of modern college football, it becomes necessary for one conference to dissolve the money-based bands that have connected it with the other conferences, and to assume the powers of crowning a champion, the separate and equal station to which the large fanbases, rich history, and oodles of cash entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of those who will be mad about the division requires that it declare the causes which impel them to the separation: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that it’s total bullshit that Notre Dame doesn’t have to be in a conference and play a championship game, that the B1G has been left out of the playoffs for three years running, and that there is a clear and stated preference for 2-loss non-B1G teams or 2nd place division teams over a B1G Champion.
Such has been the patient sufferance of this conference; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Systems of Champion-declaring. The history of the present Playoff Committee is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute screwjob over this Conference. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
The Committee has refused Sticking with a Set of Criteria and Logic for Evaluation of Teams, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
The Committee has forbidden its members to use goddamn common sense, unless suspended in their operation till The Committee’s Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, its has utterly done whatever the hell it feels like.
The Committee has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of life in a competitive conference, unless those people would relinquish the right of participation in the Playoff, a right inestimable to them and formidable to SEC fans only.
The Committee has affected to render the Committee independent of and superior to the results of games actually played.
The Committee has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our conference, and unacknowledged by our fans; giving its Assent to the Committee’s Acts of pretended “we have a logical thought process for determining the playoff field” and subjecting the Big Ten to unfair legislation:
- For quartering large bodies of mealy-mouthed pundits and Committee Chairs among us
- For protecting the Committee, by a mock Trial with J. Reinhold, from punishment for any Murders of Playoff Selection which they should commit on the Inhabitants of this Conference
- For cutting off our quality non-conference games with all parts of the world by rewarding weak 0-loss seasons over tough 1-loss seasons
- For imposing arbitrary “quality problems” with our favored teams on us without our Consent
- For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Settling it on the Field
- For transporting us to the South to be tried for bowl victories
- For abolishing the free System of Bowl Games without Rhyme or Reason in the neighboring conferences, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into this Conference
- For taking away our Rose Bowl, abolishing our most valuable Postseason Opportunity and altering fundamentally the way Success and Failure are viewed forever
- For suspending our own Conference Bowl Tie-Ins, and declaring itself invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever
The Committee has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of its Playoffs and waging War against us.
The Committee has plundered our lakes, ravaged our fields, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our Conference Members.
The Committee is at this time transporting large Bases of foreign Fans to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized sport.
The Committee has constrained our fellow Teams taken Captive on the high Lakes, to bear Arms against their Conference, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
The Committee has excited domestic arguments about playoff worthiness amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless radio show call-in fans whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Great Seasons have been answered only by repeated injury. A Selection Committee, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Garbage System for Declaring a Champion, is unfit to be the ruler of a free sport.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Other Conference brethren. We have warned them, mostly the Pac 12, from time to time of attempts by their Committee to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our exclusion from the Playoff. We have appealed to their native ineptitude and likewise exclusion from the Playoff, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common Rose Bowl history to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and annual bowl matchups. The Pac 12 too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. In other words, the Pac 12 sucks so hard it doesn’t realize how screwed it’s getting.
We, therefore, the self-appointed internet representatives of the B1G, formerly the Big Ten, having never truly understood what “ten” means, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the college football world, Barry Alvarez, do, in the name of all the teams even if they don’t wanna, solemnly declare and publish, “Fuck off, rest of college football. We’re outta here.”
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Alvarez, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Signed, on behalf of our Great Conference and All the Teams in it, even Rutgers:
BigRedTwice (by Beez-proxy)
GoForThree (by Beez-proxy)
Candystripes for Breakfast
In other words, to the Playoff Committee and the Rest of College Football: